So I watched the movie Batman Begins last night because I hadn't seen it yet. That movie is the best Batman movie I've seen. I really enjoyed it. I don't know about you, but I love superhero movies such as XMen, Spiderman, Batman, The Hulk, Elektra, Daredevil, etc. If it's one thing that I've realized, it's that everyone loves heroes. That everyone has their own hero in life that they look up to, that they admire, that they respect, that they want to be like, that they idolize in a sense.
I got to thinking about heroes and the question that came to my mind was what is a hero? I mean some people think that heroes are the comicbook superheroes that we read about and that they make movies about, the ones that are made up. Others consider heroes to be policemen, firemen, our military. Whoever it may be, we all have our definition of what we think a hero is. We all have in our mind who we consider to fit the description of the perfect hero. But a hero is so much more then someone who fights for justice all the time and gets vengeance on the bad guys.
To me, heroes are those people who are overcoming obstacles in their lives in order to make something of themselves, to move on to better things. They are those who sacrifice of themselves to see others happy. They work behind the scenes and often stand in the shadows, never taking credit for anything because all they want is to see others reach success as well. When the other people get the credit and the glory, they are just happy and content to know that they made a small difference in the person's life. I think that heroes are those people who have fallen in life but learned to pick themselves back up again. Nothing or no one brings them down. When hard times come, they look their problems straight in the eye instead of running away. They stand up for what they believe in, even if it does mean they have to stand alone. They will stop everything they are doing and put things on hold to help a friend in need. They reach out their hand to help others in life's journey and bring hope and encouragement to those who are suffering, letting them know that better days are ahead, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. They shine their light in the dark areas of people's lives, and they help them break the chains of a painful past that has them trapped. They give people wings to fly, restoring their hope and faith when it's gone. Heroes are those who dare to be different, who don't know what defeat is, and who fight to achieve their goals and dreams. I can't, giving up, surrender, these words they don't know the meaning of. It's not glory and fame and popularity that they are seeking. The only thing that matters to them is that they make a difference in people's lives. They just want to see others happy. They're the ones that give others a boost in life, staying by their side while they fight through tough times. That is my definition of a hero anyways. That's what I think a hero is. I think a hero is a person who keeps fighting to get somewhere in life, who lets the past go, who focuses on positive things and moves on, letting the drama and pain of the past go. They are making the most out of their life and they are the ones who inspire and motivate others to do the same, to keep going no matter what.
The heroes in my life are actually my friends that I have met here. My friends who are fighting to get to better things in life because they know that better times are ahead. They're the ones who have given me encouragement and hope when I've felt stressed and beat. They are the ones who come up along beside me and help me run life's race. When I fall, they pick me up. They don't judge me or walk away even when they know about things I've done in my past. My friends are really my heroes. They don't know it, but I do look up to them. To me, they are survivors in life who have come such a long way. No matter how tough things get, they just push right on through and along the way, they stop to reach out a hand to others in need. They don't let negative people bring them down. They just keep going for their dreams and goals. They may not realize it, but they are the ones who give me the inspiration and motivation to keep going on in life when I feel that I am done, when I just get frustrated and want to walk away from it all. But yet, they give me that strength to keep doing what I'm doing, to keep helping others out. Their kind words of encouragement have helped heal the wounds that have been left on my heart. And I love each and every one of them for they are all special to me. I think that they give me way too much credit though because I'm not that amazing person they think I am. I guess I just dont see in myself what they see in me. But in them, I see fighters and survivors, I see kind hearts, beautiful souls, caring people who love me no matter what I do, no matter what I go through. Man, I know this sounds so stupid, but I'm about to cry thinking about all my wonderful friends and how much they have helped me. You guys restored my confidence and boosted my self-esteem. I love you guys so much. I know I dont say it enough but thank you; I couldn't have survived through all this stuff without you guys.
Anyways, in closing I want to post a poem that I wrote about heroes awhile ago. It pretty much sums up what I think a hero is and what they do. So here it is:
Hero's Path
A hero's path is not an easy one to take
With so may things and people being fake.
A normal life heroes often must forsake
For a choice to help others is the decision they make.
So much they have to be willing to sacrifice
Going the distance to save people no matter what the price.
Every day heroes put their own lives on the line
Ensuring that the environment is fine.
Getting justice is their drive
And making the world a safer place they strive.
Heroes often don't let the real them be made known
Living a life all alone.
It isn't fame they care about
Rather heroes concentrate on helping those in distress out.
They fight for what is true and right
And during dark times they shed some light.
Heroes bring with them hope
To those who are climbing up a steep slope.
They put their lives on hold
Never in the face of danger or under pressure do they fold.
Heroes recognize that sometimes they must place their own dreams aside
In order to assist people in life's strenuous ride.
Their hearts are not filled with greed
For they know others depend and rely on them in time of need.
Heroes don't expect or want anything in return
For all their hard work, respect and admiration they earn.
When on the scene they appear
People forget about all their fear.
Whether they intend to or not, heroes always win the crowd
They are humble souls rather than proud.
Using every last breath
Heroes sometimes have to fight to the death.
Of what does a hero consist
Well, in each of us one does exist.
We each have the strength down in our soul
That allows us to play the role.
We have the endurance
To help others by going the extra distance.
It requires reaching out a hand
When we see people who are hurting in the heartland.
A hero's path is there for us to take
And if we choose, we are able to heal other's heartache.
But we cannot be selfish
If we desire to ease the anguish.
It takes alot to be a hero
So we must have lots of courage and determination if that path we want to go.
But a hero is inside us all
It's just up to us if we ignore it or answer the call.
'Hero's Path' Copyright © Jenna Kandyce Linch
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Expressing Emotions: Everybody Needs Somebody
If there's one thing I really struggle with, it is opening up to people and trusting people. Writing has always been my outlet to releasing my feelings and emotions that I have kept locked inside for years. With writing, I find it easy to just put pen to paper and write away, letting my thoughts pour out on the page. Even when I was younger, it was writing that helped me to get through some of the dark times. When it comes to actually expressing my emotions to a friend, though, or even to a complete stranger, it is so difficult for me to do.
When I was younger, I had no one there to talk to about what I went through. My dad threatened me into silence by saying he would turn me over to the police for my suicidal attempts and for my self infliction. It is pretty sad that he knew about that but wouldn't get me help. Instead, he used that against me to keep me silent and not tell anyone about the abuse going on. When I was in 8th grade, I decided one day that I would tell someone about the events going on. My grades were slipping because of everything going on and my performance at school was going downhill. I was even hanging out with the wrong crowd. But I decided I would take the chance to tell one of the school counselors about it. I made an appointment to go down to the office and then I just told the counselor what was going on. I thought it would be kept confidential, but it somehow got back to my father and that made things worse. After that incident, I just kept to myself and pretended everything was fine. I never again let on that anything was wrong at home.
Many times I would run away and be gone for hours at a time, even staying out after it turned dark. I didn't want to go back home. My dad always said crying was a sign of weakness so any tears I had, I learned to hold them back. In his presence, I was not allowed to show any emotion at all. When I was forced to go see psychologists, I wouldn't open up to them either. I went through years not saying anything or expressing my emotions. I never cried in front of my friends, either. Even in my relationships, I found it hard to talk about my past. I figured that if a guy knew about my past, he would want nothing to do with me. Well, I didn't tell my ex about the abuse I went through or the self infliction problem I had at one time until after we got married. He couldn't handle any of it. He said if he had known about that before, he wouldn't have ever married me. If I tried to express my emotions to him and tell him what was going on, his reply was that he was not my shrink and to not come to him with any of my problems. Your spouse should be the one person you know you can go to about things. But he shut me out. So I kept distant.
Once again, I found myself putting up walls around my heart. People would say they wanted to be there for me, but when I would go to them for help and try to vent, their reaction was always you're strong, you'll get through this. So it's as if they never truly wanted to be there for me; they only wanted me to be there for them during their hard times. I became a listener, I became the one strong for everyone, I became the shoulder to cry on, that was my role. At the same time, I knew I needed someone who would be there for me. But not having anyone there for me, I learned not to expect anyone to come along and save me since I was so use to doing things on my own. Everyone viewed me as the hero, the one who would save them, the one who held all the answers. Being a leader, I knew I held a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. So in private I would cry and let out my emotions.
I am learning though that there are people I can let in and that there really are those who care about me and what I go through. Still, because I was never shown love or care in my family, it is hard for me sometimes to take that step to talk about how I feel. A part of me thinks that nobody wants to listen to my problems and that I will burden them with my issues. People expect a lot out of me, it's true. But I want people to know that I am human just like them and that I do have an emotional side. It doesn't always help me when they tell me I am strong and will get through it. I know I am a strong person; if I wasn't strong, I wouldn't be here today. But sometimes, I need to vent and need to release my feelings. I need to know that someone is there for me. I don't mean to shut people out either who really do want to be there for me. It's just when I've had people walk out on me my whole life, I tend to think okay, maybe it's easier to just keep people at a distance. I don't get depressed or down all the time. It's just there are moments that I need to cry and need to get things off my mind.
Everyone needs someone to be there for them. It is unhealthy to keep everything locked inside. By keeping it all locked inside, it just tears you up more. When you don't talk about your feelings and express your emotions, you find yourself getting depressed and feeling that there is nobody out there who understands or cares. When we have gone through abuse in our lives, it is normal for us to have trust issues since usually it's the people who should have been there for us who hurt us the most. But, there are some good people out there who do understand and who do want to be there for you. You just have to know who to trust and let in.
I think writing is a good way to get your feelings out, but I also think it is very helpful to have one person that you can count on to be there when you need to talk. Make sure it is someone that you feel comfortable enough to tell about things you are going through or went through and make sure that they are the type of person who will not judge you or accuse you of anything. I'm not saying that you have to tell the whole world your story and put it in a book or anything. I know that when it comes to my life, I am an open book since I do write about my past experiences and have my story out in books for people to read. You do not have to tell the whole world though. Just have at least one person there that you can confide in and that will be there for you when you need to express your emotions. I think it's important that when someone comes to you and needs to talk, that instead of turning them away, take the time to listen.
See, people need someone there to listen to them. That's what they are looking for. They want to know that others understand what they are going through so they know they are not alone in this world. Emotions are a part of who we are. If we did not have emotions, then we would be more like robots. Don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't have emotions or make you feel that you are not allowed to show them. You have every right to express your feelings and emotions. If someone comes to you needing to talk, take the time to listen. You never know what they are going through and how you can make a difference and help them just by being there to lend a listening ear.
If you know someone is going through a hard time, ask them how they're doing. Too many lives are lost because people give up since they feel that nobody cares about them. They lock their emotions inside and it tears them apart. Let the person know that you do care and that you are there for them. That's what true friends are for. True friends are there for each other no matter what. Even the people that you think have such good lives need someone to talk to. They go through hard times too. We all need someone to talk to because we can't do this all alone. It is hard fighting all alone on life's battlefield. We need other warriors to be there to fight alongside us.
Don't ignore a person who comes to you asking for help. Don't tell them that they are strong and will get through it, don't tell them to suck it up, don't tell them to be happy. Let me just say this right now, those things are not always what people need to hear when they just want to vent and express their feelings. What they need is for you to hear them out and really listen to them. What they need is a shoulder to cry on and a hug. I know there are times where I really feel that I need a hug and a shoulder to cry on. There are times where I really don't want to hear that I'm strong and will get through it or to be happy. Because gosh darn it, sometimes I just need to cry! Sometimes people need to just cry and let it out. It is better to cry and let it out then to hold it back.
Little things you can do when someone needs to talk and release their emotions or when you know they are going through a hard time are to call them up, write them an encouraging note, go visit them, do something nice and thoughtful for them. When you're the one needing to talk, let someone know. Pick a close friend and call them, text them, meet them somewhere, find a way to let them know that you need them and that you need to get things out. If they are a true friend, then they will stop what they are doing and find time for you. You could even create your own system with your friends to let them know when you need to talk. Be accountable to each other. One of the things that helped me overcome self infliction and not do it anymore is that I would pick a close friend and any time I felt the urge, I would call them. I would be accountable to them. So create a system if you need to.
It is ok to express emotions and to just talk about it. Crying is not a sign of weakness. In fact, I think it shows that you are strong when you can release your emotions and cry. You don't have to fight alone in life. Hey, if someone can't handle your emotional side that is a part of you, then they don't deserve you and they are not worth your time because true friends understand that their friends need them to be there for them not only through the good times but also through the bad times. There are friends aka angels that will be there for you no matter what. So don't be afraid to express your emotions and release your feelings. It makes you feel better when you talk about things. Be there for others just like they are there for you and don't be afraid to let someone be there for you, either. Like Keith Urban's song Everybody says, "Everybody needs somebody sometimes."
When I was younger, I had no one there to talk to about what I went through. My dad threatened me into silence by saying he would turn me over to the police for my suicidal attempts and for my self infliction. It is pretty sad that he knew about that but wouldn't get me help. Instead, he used that against me to keep me silent and not tell anyone about the abuse going on. When I was in 8th grade, I decided one day that I would tell someone about the events going on. My grades were slipping because of everything going on and my performance at school was going downhill. I was even hanging out with the wrong crowd. But I decided I would take the chance to tell one of the school counselors about it. I made an appointment to go down to the office and then I just told the counselor what was going on. I thought it would be kept confidential, but it somehow got back to my father and that made things worse. After that incident, I just kept to myself and pretended everything was fine. I never again let on that anything was wrong at home.
Many times I would run away and be gone for hours at a time, even staying out after it turned dark. I didn't want to go back home. My dad always said crying was a sign of weakness so any tears I had, I learned to hold them back. In his presence, I was not allowed to show any emotion at all. When I was forced to go see psychologists, I wouldn't open up to them either. I went through years not saying anything or expressing my emotions. I never cried in front of my friends, either. Even in my relationships, I found it hard to talk about my past. I figured that if a guy knew about my past, he would want nothing to do with me. Well, I didn't tell my ex about the abuse I went through or the self infliction problem I had at one time until after we got married. He couldn't handle any of it. He said if he had known about that before, he wouldn't have ever married me. If I tried to express my emotions to him and tell him what was going on, his reply was that he was not my shrink and to not come to him with any of my problems. Your spouse should be the one person you know you can go to about things. But he shut me out. So I kept distant.
Once again, I found myself putting up walls around my heart. People would say they wanted to be there for me, but when I would go to them for help and try to vent, their reaction was always you're strong, you'll get through this. So it's as if they never truly wanted to be there for me; they only wanted me to be there for them during their hard times. I became a listener, I became the one strong for everyone, I became the shoulder to cry on, that was my role. At the same time, I knew I needed someone who would be there for me. But not having anyone there for me, I learned not to expect anyone to come along and save me since I was so use to doing things on my own. Everyone viewed me as the hero, the one who would save them, the one who held all the answers. Being a leader, I knew I held a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. So in private I would cry and let out my emotions.
I am learning though that there are people I can let in and that there really are those who care about me and what I go through. Still, because I was never shown love or care in my family, it is hard for me sometimes to take that step to talk about how I feel. A part of me thinks that nobody wants to listen to my problems and that I will burden them with my issues. People expect a lot out of me, it's true. But I want people to know that I am human just like them and that I do have an emotional side. It doesn't always help me when they tell me I am strong and will get through it. I know I am a strong person; if I wasn't strong, I wouldn't be here today. But sometimes, I need to vent and need to release my feelings. I need to know that someone is there for me. I don't mean to shut people out either who really do want to be there for me. It's just when I've had people walk out on me my whole life, I tend to think okay, maybe it's easier to just keep people at a distance. I don't get depressed or down all the time. It's just there are moments that I need to cry and need to get things off my mind.
Everyone needs someone to be there for them. It is unhealthy to keep everything locked inside. By keeping it all locked inside, it just tears you up more. When you don't talk about your feelings and express your emotions, you find yourself getting depressed and feeling that there is nobody out there who understands or cares. When we have gone through abuse in our lives, it is normal for us to have trust issues since usually it's the people who should have been there for us who hurt us the most. But, there are some good people out there who do understand and who do want to be there for you. You just have to know who to trust and let in.
I think writing is a good way to get your feelings out, but I also think it is very helpful to have one person that you can count on to be there when you need to talk. Make sure it is someone that you feel comfortable enough to tell about things you are going through or went through and make sure that they are the type of person who will not judge you or accuse you of anything. I'm not saying that you have to tell the whole world your story and put it in a book or anything. I know that when it comes to my life, I am an open book since I do write about my past experiences and have my story out in books for people to read. You do not have to tell the whole world though. Just have at least one person there that you can confide in and that will be there for you when you need to express your emotions. I think it's important that when someone comes to you and needs to talk, that instead of turning them away, take the time to listen.
See, people need someone there to listen to them. That's what they are looking for. They want to know that others understand what they are going through so they know they are not alone in this world. Emotions are a part of who we are. If we did not have emotions, then we would be more like robots. Don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't have emotions or make you feel that you are not allowed to show them. You have every right to express your feelings and emotions. If someone comes to you needing to talk, take the time to listen. You never know what they are going through and how you can make a difference and help them just by being there to lend a listening ear.
If you know someone is going through a hard time, ask them how they're doing. Too many lives are lost because people give up since they feel that nobody cares about them. They lock their emotions inside and it tears them apart. Let the person know that you do care and that you are there for them. That's what true friends are for. True friends are there for each other no matter what. Even the people that you think have such good lives need someone to talk to. They go through hard times too. We all need someone to talk to because we can't do this all alone. It is hard fighting all alone on life's battlefield. We need other warriors to be there to fight alongside us.
Don't ignore a person who comes to you asking for help. Don't tell them that they are strong and will get through it, don't tell them to suck it up, don't tell them to be happy. Let me just say this right now, those things are not always what people need to hear when they just want to vent and express their feelings. What they need is for you to hear them out and really listen to them. What they need is a shoulder to cry on and a hug. I know there are times where I really feel that I need a hug and a shoulder to cry on. There are times where I really don't want to hear that I'm strong and will get through it or to be happy. Because gosh darn it, sometimes I just need to cry! Sometimes people need to just cry and let it out. It is better to cry and let it out then to hold it back.
Little things you can do when someone needs to talk and release their emotions or when you know they are going through a hard time are to call them up, write them an encouraging note, go visit them, do something nice and thoughtful for them. When you're the one needing to talk, let someone know. Pick a close friend and call them, text them, meet them somewhere, find a way to let them know that you need them and that you need to get things out. If they are a true friend, then they will stop what they are doing and find time for you. You could even create your own system with your friends to let them know when you need to talk. Be accountable to each other. One of the things that helped me overcome self infliction and not do it anymore is that I would pick a close friend and any time I felt the urge, I would call them. I would be accountable to them. So create a system if you need to.
It is ok to express emotions and to just talk about it. Crying is not a sign of weakness. In fact, I think it shows that you are strong when you can release your emotions and cry. You don't have to fight alone in life. Hey, if someone can't handle your emotional side that is a part of you, then they don't deserve you and they are not worth your time because true friends understand that their friends need them to be there for them not only through the good times but also through the bad times. There are friends aka angels that will be there for you no matter what. So don't be afraid to express your emotions and release your feelings. It makes you feel better when you talk about things. Be there for others just like they are there for you and don't be afraid to let someone be there for you, either. Like Keith Urban's song Everybody says, "Everybody needs somebody sometimes."
Every Form Of Abuse Has Its Own Damaging Affects
Tonight I came across a post in a group about mental abuse. According to a few people, they believe mental abuse is the worst form of abuse there is. One man's reason was that bruises heal and go away, but a put down stays with you forever. I have to say that I believe you can't compare forms of abuse and claim that one is worse then the other. All forms of abuse are damaging and very bad. For people to say that mental abuse is the worst form is like comparing apples with oranges. Mental abuse is very damaging. I went through mental abuse from my father growing up. To this day, I suffer from a low self-esteem because of all the mean, spiteful things he said to me during my childhood years. Words can be used as weapons and can wreck a person's self-esteem. However, as bad as mental abuse is, I don't think that it is the worst form of abuse.
There are different forms of abuse-emotional, mental, psychological, physical, and sexual to name a few. To compare them though and say that mental is the worst is not right. Any type of abuse is going to leave a person hurting emotionally and/or physically. Bruises go away and heal but the damage left from any of these forms of abuse don't go away. You always bear those scars although if you allow it, time can heal them and they can fade away. Anyone who has gone through one of these types of abuse knows how much it can hurt. You don't forget what happened to you. It stays with you forever. I didn't appreciate what that man said about well bruises heal and go away but a put down stays with you forever. Ok, memories of abuse stay with you forever. You may never go through mental abuse in your life, but if you went through another type of abuse, then you still remember the events in your mind. Why do people want to compare things that can't be compared? You cannot compare situations you have been through with other situations that someone else has been through. You can't do that because people handle things differently. Some people can overcome mental abuse and break away from it. Other people remember every mean word said to them and have a difficult time moving on and letting it go and not believing what was said to them. I am one of those people that has a tough time blocking out mean things my father said to me. I think though that if I had not gone through mental abuse, I would still hurt from the physical abuse I went through.
When people want to tell others to move on and get over it or try to compare stories or say that one form of abuse is worst then another, it kind of makes me upset. We all handle things differently and every one of us has gone through different experiences in life. You cannot sit there and tell me that someone who has gone through mental abuse hurts more then someone who has gone through physical abuse. Who cares if bruises go away? The fact is that memories from events hurt a hundred times worse then mean words said to a person. I am not saying that words don't hurt. It hurt when my parents said I was retarded, mental, warped, and would tell me I wasn't wanted and was a mistake. I remember all that stuff as if it happened yesterday. But when you go through something traumatic, you never forget it. I don't know why people want to say mental abuse is the worst. People that go through sexual assault and rape hurt just as much if not more then someone who has only had mean things said to them. My friend Alice who is a rape survivor had an extremely tough time handling it. I was there for her and was the first person she told about it. Now, I've never had that happen to me, but I wouldn't say that the physical abuse I went through as a child was worse then what she went through as a kid since it happened when she was a kid. She didn't go through mental abuse, but she still hurt and still had the scars from what happened to her. Yea, wounds heal but scars dont go away, emotional or physical.
When will people realize that all forms of abuse are damaging? Abuse affects people in different ways. For example, I have flashbacks and anxiety attacks from the abuse I went through and things I saw as a child. My husband grew up in an abusive home as well and saw his parents fight all the time. Yet, he is the type who can just shake it off and not let it get to him but just move on, not looking back. I wish I was like him in that way. I wish I could say that it doesn't affect me still but it does. I guess what made me upset about the post in the group was that the person who started it has not gone through physical abuse but only mental abuse from what I could tell by what the person wrote. A few who responded to it were the same way. They didn't go through any of the other types of abuse, only mental. Then how can they say that mental is the worst when they haven't experienced any of the other types? I think people like to act like they know everything and act like they are experts on this when they aren't. I haven't been through sexual abuse but I wouldn't tell a sexual abuse survivor that physical abuse that I went through is worse then what they went through. If you haven't experienced something, then you cannot say it is worse then something else. That is what makes me angry. Don't sit there and compare something when the thing you are comparing it to you haven't gone through. As I said before, all abuse is harmful and damaging from physical abuse to domestic violence. I respect most people's opinions on things but when they haven't gone through something and say that something is worse then something they haven't even gone through, then I don't really respect the opinion.
I know that to people who have gone through traumatic situations, their situation seems like it's worse then anyone else's. I think it is human nature to think that what you have gone through is worse then what someone else has gone through. When we go through something traumatic, we are only focused on what we are going through at the time. So yes, we only see what we are enduring and are blind to what others have gone through. I use to think that my physical abuse that I went through as a child was worse then what others had suffered. But the more I have talked to other survivors out there, the more I realize that others have endured far worse then what I have. That's why I say that people can't compare stories and cannot say that what they went through is worse. Every abuse case is tragic to me. It makes me sad to know that abuse takes place on a daily basis and kids are silent about it because they are afraid of what will happen to them if they go to someone and tell them what is going on. I sometimes think that people don't realize just how many kids, women, and men are affected by abuse every single day. Abuse is a very common thing. But when people want to downplay abuse and compare forms of abuse, that is where I have to draw the line and put my foot down. Everyone who has gone through abuse, no matter what type it was, can tell you that they have emotional scars if not physical scars from it and that the memories are with them all the time. They will tell you how damaging the affects are. Domestic abuse survivors feel differently then say sexual assault survivors. You can't compare domestic violence to sexual assault because they are both different and both have their own damaging affects. All forms of abuse cause a little bit of mental damage don't they since the memories stay in your mind and can cause severe flashbacks and anxiety attacks and the events replay themselves in your mind? In a way all forms of abuse do involve mental abuse because of mean words said and I think that words sometimes start the abuse if that makes sense. For instance, every time my father abused my mother, it always was a result of a fight. They would start fighting and say mean things to each other and the next thing I knew, my father was abusing my mother again. So in a way, it's mean words said to one another that can start abuse. I know that I lose my temper and get angry alot when I think about the abuse I went through and have flashbacks. Then I will take my anger out on my husband and vent to him. In the past, it has caused us to fight with each other.
Still, I don't think you can compare forms of abuse since they are all different and all affect people in different ways. The one thing that all forms of abuse have in common though is the damaging affects and scars it leaves behind on its victims. I guess I wish people would stop comparing their stories and forms of abuse and focus more on sharing their stories to help stop abuse and prevent other innocent lives from having to go through it. We should focus more on speaking out to save lives from abuse then comparing stories and thinking that what we went through is worse then what others have been through and are going through. If we would stop doing that, then we could truly devote our time to saving lives from abuse and helping others to heal who have survived abuse.
There are different forms of abuse-emotional, mental, psychological, physical, and sexual to name a few. To compare them though and say that mental is the worst is not right. Any type of abuse is going to leave a person hurting emotionally and/or physically. Bruises go away and heal but the damage left from any of these forms of abuse don't go away. You always bear those scars although if you allow it, time can heal them and they can fade away. Anyone who has gone through one of these types of abuse knows how much it can hurt. You don't forget what happened to you. It stays with you forever. I didn't appreciate what that man said about well bruises heal and go away but a put down stays with you forever. Ok, memories of abuse stay with you forever. You may never go through mental abuse in your life, but if you went through another type of abuse, then you still remember the events in your mind. Why do people want to compare things that can't be compared? You cannot compare situations you have been through with other situations that someone else has been through. You can't do that because people handle things differently. Some people can overcome mental abuse and break away from it. Other people remember every mean word said to them and have a difficult time moving on and letting it go and not believing what was said to them. I am one of those people that has a tough time blocking out mean things my father said to me. I think though that if I had not gone through mental abuse, I would still hurt from the physical abuse I went through.
When people want to tell others to move on and get over it or try to compare stories or say that one form of abuse is worst then another, it kind of makes me upset. We all handle things differently and every one of us has gone through different experiences in life. You cannot sit there and tell me that someone who has gone through mental abuse hurts more then someone who has gone through physical abuse. Who cares if bruises go away? The fact is that memories from events hurt a hundred times worse then mean words said to a person. I am not saying that words don't hurt. It hurt when my parents said I was retarded, mental, warped, and would tell me I wasn't wanted and was a mistake. I remember all that stuff as if it happened yesterday. But when you go through something traumatic, you never forget it. I don't know why people want to say mental abuse is the worst. People that go through sexual assault and rape hurt just as much if not more then someone who has only had mean things said to them. My friend Alice who is a rape survivor had an extremely tough time handling it. I was there for her and was the first person she told about it. Now, I've never had that happen to me, but I wouldn't say that the physical abuse I went through as a child was worse then what she went through as a kid since it happened when she was a kid. She didn't go through mental abuse, but she still hurt and still had the scars from what happened to her. Yea, wounds heal but scars dont go away, emotional or physical.
When will people realize that all forms of abuse are damaging? Abuse affects people in different ways. For example, I have flashbacks and anxiety attacks from the abuse I went through and things I saw as a child. My husband grew up in an abusive home as well and saw his parents fight all the time. Yet, he is the type who can just shake it off and not let it get to him but just move on, not looking back. I wish I was like him in that way. I wish I could say that it doesn't affect me still but it does. I guess what made me upset about the post in the group was that the person who started it has not gone through physical abuse but only mental abuse from what I could tell by what the person wrote. A few who responded to it were the same way. They didn't go through any of the other types of abuse, only mental. Then how can they say that mental is the worst when they haven't experienced any of the other types? I think people like to act like they know everything and act like they are experts on this when they aren't. I haven't been through sexual abuse but I wouldn't tell a sexual abuse survivor that physical abuse that I went through is worse then what they went through. If you haven't experienced something, then you cannot say it is worse then something else. That is what makes me angry. Don't sit there and compare something when the thing you are comparing it to you haven't gone through. As I said before, all abuse is harmful and damaging from physical abuse to domestic violence. I respect most people's opinions on things but when they haven't gone through something and say that something is worse then something they haven't even gone through, then I don't really respect the opinion.
I know that to people who have gone through traumatic situations, their situation seems like it's worse then anyone else's. I think it is human nature to think that what you have gone through is worse then what someone else has gone through. When we go through something traumatic, we are only focused on what we are going through at the time. So yes, we only see what we are enduring and are blind to what others have gone through. I use to think that my physical abuse that I went through as a child was worse then what others had suffered. But the more I have talked to other survivors out there, the more I realize that others have endured far worse then what I have. That's why I say that people can't compare stories and cannot say that what they went through is worse. Every abuse case is tragic to me. It makes me sad to know that abuse takes place on a daily basis and kids are silent about it because they are afraid of what will happen to them if they go to someone and tell them what is going on. I sometimes think that people don't realize just how many kids, women, and men are affected by abuse every single day. Abuse is a very common thing. But when people want to downplay abuse and compare forms of abuse, that is where I have to draw the line and put my foot down. Everyone who has gone through abuse, no matter what type it was, can tell you that they have emotional scars if not physical scars from it and that the memories are with them all the time. They will tell you how damaging the affects are. Domestic abuse survivors feel differently then say sexual assault survivors. You can't compare domestic violence to sexual assault because they are both different and both have their own damaging affects. All forms of abuse cause a little bit of mental damage don't they since the memories stay in your mind and can cause severe flashbacks and anxiety attacks and the events replay themselves in your mind? In a way all forms of abuse do involve mental abuse because of mean words said and I think that words sometimes start the abuse if that makes sense. For instance, every time my father abused my mother, it always was a result of a fight. They would start fighting and say mean things to each other and the next thing I knew, my father was abusing my mother again. So in a way, it's mean words said to one another that can start abuse. I know that I lose my temper and get angry alot when I think about the abuse I went through and have flashbacks. Then I will take my anger out on my husband and vent to him. In the past, it has caused us to fight with each other.
Still, I don't think you can compare forms of abuse since they are all different and all affect people in different ways. The one thing that all forms of abuse have in common though is the damaging affects and scars it leaves behind on its victims. I guess I wish people would stop comparing their stories and forms of abuse and focus more on sharing their stories to help stop abuse and prevent other innocent lives from having to go through it. We should focus more on speaking out to save lives from abuse then comparing stories and thinking that what we went through is worse then what others have been through and are going through. If we would stop doing that, then we could truly devote our time to saving lives from abuse and helping others to heal who have survived abuse.
From Daughter To Mother
Well I wrote a letter to my dad and I thought that this time I would write one to my mom. It wasn't that easy for me to write it, but it did give me a chance to say things that I always wanted to say to her. I guess I wanted her to know that I understand what she went through back then and to tell her that I still love her and choose to remember her as the strong, beautiful, independent woman she once was before she fell apart and sunk into depression, becoming a shadow of herself when I was growing up. Now that I have been in an abusive marriage myself, I know what she went through all those years. I only wish I would have been there for her more. We hardly talk now and she is still married to my dad, raising two adopted kids. I guess what I learned from her is to not stay in an abusive marriage. I'm not going to repeat the family history.
Dear Mom,
I'm not sure where to begin with this letter. There are so many things I want to say to you but somehow putting it all into words is not easy. I want you to know that I understand now what you went through when Dad abused you. I never fully understood the pain you went through back then when I was just a kid, but now that I have been there where you were, I can feel the pain and relate to what you endured and suffered. For a long time I did blame you and I did kind of resent you for never leaving Dad. But time has made me grow into a stronger survivor and as I look back, I only wish that I would have been there for you more.
I know that you feared Dad and that he tore you down, breaking your spirit. I remember when you were such a strong woman who had her own opinions. You were happy and carefree. You were even my best friend at one time. Somehow, though, through the years, that all changed. I tried my best to protect you from Dad, often intervening so you wouldn't have to be the victim of yet another physical assault. I heard the way he talked to you, I saw the way he treated you. Those are things I'll never forget. You tried to raise me and Michael the best you could while putting up with the abuse he put you through. I know it couldn't have been easy for you to raise two kids in a broken, abusive household. For a long time, I was angry at you for not leaving Dad. I wanted you to leave him. I also don't understand how you could just watch him abuse me and not do anything about it when time after time I stood up for you and defended you against him. However, I've recently started to take a step back and from the outside begin to look on the inside.
With only a highschool education and very little college behind you, you were afraid to get out there on your own and be a single mom raising two kids on her own. The insecurities Dad caused you to have from the brainwashing he put you through made you think that you would never be able to get out there on your own and make it. You had no one to turn to and you hid the pain so well from the rest of the world. For awhile, you still managed to remain strong through it all but then the family fell apart after Dad was accused of sexual harassment at his workplace. Believing that he had cheated on you, you fell apart and I watched as your heart was shattered into a million pieces. Once a strong woman who could think on her own, you became a more like a shadow of your former self. You quit showing interest in what Michael and I did. Often you would lock yourself up in your room or bathroom for hours at a time. Behind the closed doors, I could hear you crying. I know that your heart was in pain and I only wish I would have told you how much I loved you. Then maybe you wouldn't have had to go through the depression and feel so alone. Yet, it hurt me when you isolated yourself from me. You wouldn't let me close enough to you to help you. You clung to Dad even more and wouldn't allow me or Michael to even go near him. Once a caring, loving mother, you became a mother who neglected her own children.
Dad controlled you even more but you turned the tables on him when you began to brainwash him. Hearing you two fight, I remember how you would tell him to hit you and try to start fights to get him to take his anger out on you. It got so bad between you two that Dad wanted to end his life. I'm not taking up for Dad or what he did to us but I wish you would have escaped and gotten out of there instead of hurting yourself and hurting him, too. When he threatened to divorce you all those times, you should have just let him go. Instead, you stayed out of fear and I also had to endure and suffer abuse since you didn't leave. I know that back then I didn't understand what you were going through or understand the pain that you felt. However, I married someone like Dad and entered an abusive marriage. I then began to see firsthand what you went through with Dad. My first marriage was a terrifying nightmare where I had to fight for my life. I went through emotional and physical abuse just as you had with Dad. I constantly lived in fear and thinking I couldn't do it on my own, I took him back every single time. But things only grew worse. Did you know that my one fear was becoming like you because I started to fall into deep depression?
When I would look in the mirror, it was you I saw staring back at me. But I learned from your mistakes and I left without looking back. I was determined not to repeat the cycle and stay a victim like you had. I guess if it was one lesson you taught me, it was to not stay in an abusive relationship or marriage. Honestly, I wish that you would have seen all the strength you had in you. Mom, you were and still are a beautiful person. I still remember the good times we had when I was younger, before the family fell apart. You were involved with my elementary school, you came up with creative ideas when you were on the PTA, you always threw the best birthday parties for me and Michael, you cheered for us at our basketball games and cross country and track meets, you took me shopping, you always made the holidays fun. Those are the times I try to think back on and remember instead of remembering you as a victim of domestic violence who fell apart under Dad's control. I remember you as being a woman full of compassion and love before you became the stranger I no longer recognized.
I know that you never really talked about what happened before I was born or when you were pregnant with me, but I want you to know that I've finally started to piece some things together about how bad it was. You never wanted to tell me that I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy when I was born and I found out when I found a journal in your dresser drawer when I was about 10, 11 years old. You always told me that I was a miracle baby because I beat the odds and learned to walk and talk when doctors said I would never do either. But you never really said how I developed cerebral palsy so only recently have I begun to really look into it. One of the factors given is abuse. Cerebral palsy can be caused during pregnancy when the mother is being abused emotionally and physically. I never realized it until recently that when you were pregnant with me and Dad abused you, it did effect me even though I wasn't yet born. I know I didn't tell you this, but awhile ago Dad did tell me that when you were pregnant with me, he picked you up and threw you out of the house one day when you two got into a fight. As I put together these missing pieces of my life puzzle, I begin to see that his abuse did far more damage than you wanted to tell me or let me know. It does make me sad that even to this day, you still cover for him and even when I told you about the abuse I was going through in my marriage, you didn't want to believe me and told me I had better not be making it up just to get my husband in trouble. It's as if you thought I was making up a lie and trying to retaliate. Of all people, you should know what abuse feels like since Dad abused you all the time. You should have been there to support me during that time. Now you're busy raising two new adopted kids of your own and it's as if I no longer exist, but then again, it's been like that for years now.
I want you to know that I do forgive you. I just wish that I would have had a good daughter/mother relationship with you and that the bond wouldn't have been broken. I wish we could have spent more time together and that I would have had a mother I could tell things to; a mother that I could confide in and go to. I guess I missed that part of my life though after you quit being a mom. Although I've tried to talk to you and get things right again, I can see that things will never be the same. You should know that I have gone on to become a writer and have watched some of my dreams and goals come true. You should know that the morals you taught me when I was younger I still carry with me and stick to. You should know that I help victims and survivors of abuse and now work to expose the truth about the dangers of abuse. I know there are other daughters out there that probably feel the same way I do and there are other women out there who have watched their mothers go through abuse as they went through it as well. But using the experiences I went through, I use it to help them and encourage them, to reach out to them and let them know they are not alone.
Mom, I just wish you knew that you deserved better in life and shouldn't have had to put up with the abuse Dad made you endure and suffer. He had no right to take his anger out on you and hurt you the way he did. It does break my heart to know that he hurt you in so many ways. It hurt me watching him hurt you too. I have cried tears over you in the past, thinking about those haunting memories. If you ever do decide to talk about what you went through, know that I'll be there to listen. You're not alone, either you know. If you would only let me close to you, I could help you. I just hope that Dad isn't still hurting you and that maybe things have gotten a little better in the marriage since you're now going on 29 years of marriage. In closing, I just want to say that Mom, I love you and I always will love you. Maybe one day you'll see that. But just know that my love for you will never change. I hope that one day we can repair that mother/daughter relationship. For now though, just know that I'm doing okay and that I took after you in your spirit and creativity. I love you, Mom and if I could give you a hug right now, I would. If I could go back in time and change it where you wouldn't have had to suffer all the abuse, I would go back and change it. But the past is the past and I can't go back and undo it. However, learning from the past has made me know what not to do in my own life. Where ever you are, I hope that you're okay and I'm sure you'll be a good mother to Stephen and Mikaila, your new adopted children. Just promise me that you won't let Dad hurt them like he hurt us and that if it gets too bad, this time you'll leave and just know, if you need anything, I'm always here for you.
With all my love,
Jenna
Dear Mom,
I'm not sure where to begin with this letter. There are so many things I want to say to you but somehow putting it all into words is not easy. I want you to know that I understand now what you went through when Dad abused you. I never fully understood the pain you went through back then when I was just a kid, but now that I have been there where you were, I can feel the pain and relate to what you endured and suffered. For a long time I did blame you and I did kind of resent you for never leaving Dad. But time has made me grow into a stronger survivor and as I look back, I only wish that I would have been there for you more.
I know that you feared Dad and that he tore you down, breaking your spirit. I remember when you were such a strong woman who had her own opinions. You were happy and carefree. You were even my best friend at one time. Somehow, though, through the years, that all changed. I tried my best to protect you from Dad, often intervening so you wouldn't have to be the victim of yet another physical assault. I heard the way he talked to you, I saw the way he treated you. Those are things I'll never forget. You tried to raise me and Michael the best you could while putting up with the abuse he put you through. I know it couldn't have been easy for you to raise two kids in a broken, abusive household. For a long time, I was angry at you for not leaving Dad. I wanted you to leave him. I also don't understand how you could just watch him abuse me and not do anything about it when time after time I stood up for you and defended you against him. However, I've recently started to take a step back and from the outside begin to look on the inside.
With only a highschool education and very little college behind you, you were afraid to get out there on your own and be a single mom raising two kids on her own. The insecurities Dad caused you to have from the brainwashing he put you through made you think that you would never be able to get out there on your own and make it. You had no one to turn to and you hid the pain so well from the rest of the world. For awhile, you still managed to remain strong through it all but then the family fell apart after Dad was accused of sexual harassment at his workplace. Believing that he had cheated on you, you fell apart and I watched as your heart was shattered into a million pieces. Once a strong woman who could think on her own, you became a more like a shadow of your former self. You quit showing interest in what Michael and I did. Often you would lock yourself up in your room or bathroom for hours at a time. Behind the closed doors, I could hear you crying. I know that your heart was in pain and I only wish I would have told you how much I loved you. Then maybe you wouldn't have had to go through the depression and feel so alone. Yet, it hurt me when you isolated yourself from me. You wouldn't let me close enough to you to help you. You clung to Dad even more and wouldn't allow me or Michael to even go near him. Once a caring, loving mother, you became a mother who neglected her own children.
Dad controlled you even more but you turned the tables on him when you began to brainwash him. Hearing you two fight, I remember how you would tell him to hit you and try to start fights to get him to take his anger out on you. It got so bad between you two that Dad wanted to end his life. I'm not taking up for Dad or what he did to us but I wish you would have escaped and gotten out of there instead of hurting yourself and hurting him, too. When he threatened to divorce you all those times, you should have just let him go. Instead, you stayed out of fear and I also had to endure and suffer abuse since you didn't leave. I know that back then I didn't understand what you were going through or understand the pain that you felt. However, I married someone like Dad and entered an abusive marriage. I then began to see firsthand what you went through with Dad. My first marriage was a terrifying nightmare where I had to fight for my life. I went through emotional and physical abuse just as you had with Dad. I constantly lived in fear and thinking I couldn't do it on my own, I took him back every single time. But things only grew worse. Did you know that my one fear was becoming like you because I started to fall into deep depression?
When I would look in the mirror, it was you I saw staring back at me. But I learned from your mistakes and I left without looking back. I was determined not to repeat the cycle and stay a victim like you had. I guess if it was one lesson you taught me, it was to not stay in an abusive relationship or marriage. Honestly, I wish that you would have seen all the strength you had in you. Mom, you were and still are a beautiful person. I still remember the good times we had when I was younger, before the family fell apart. You were involved with my elementary school, you came up with creative ideas when you were on the PTA, you always threw the best birthday parties for me and Michael, you cheered for us at our basketball games and cross country and track meets, you took me shopping, you always made the holidays fun. Those are the times I try to think back on and remember instead of remembering you as a victim of domestic violence who fell apart under Dad's control. I remember you as being a woman full of compassion and love before you became the stranger I no longer recognized.
I know that you never really talked about what happened before I was born or when you were pregnant with me, but I want you to know that I've finally started to piece some things together about how bad it was. You never wanted to tell me that I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy when I was born and I found out when I found a journal in your dresser drawer when I was about 10, 11 years old. You always told me that I was a miracle baby because I beat the odds and learned to walk and talk when doctors said I would never do either. But you never really said how I developed cerebral palsy so only recently have I begun to really look into it. One of the factors given is abuse. Cerebral palsy can be caused during pregnancy when the mother is being abused emotionally and physically. I never realized it until recently that when you were pregnant with me and Dad abused you, it did effect me even though I wasn't yet born. I know I didn't tell you this, but awhile ago Dad did tell me that when you were pregnant with me, he picked you up and threw you out of the house one day when you two got into a fight. As I put together these missing pieces of my life puzzle, I begin to see that his abuse did far more damage than you wanted to tell me or let me know. It does make me sad that even to this day, you still cover for him and even when I told you about the abuse I was going through in my marriage, you didn't want to believe me and told me I had better not be making it up just to get my husband in trouble. It's as if you thought I was making up a lie and trying to retaliate. Of all people, you should know what abuse feels like since Dad abused you all the time. You should have been there to support me during that time. Now you're busy raising two new adopted kids of your own and it's as if I no longer exist, but then again, it's been like that for years now.
I want you to know that I do forgive you. I just wish that I would have had a good daughter/mother relationship with you and that the bond wouldn't have been broken. I wish we could have spent more time together and that I would have had a mother I could tell things to; a mother that I could confide in and go to. I guess I missed that part of my life though after you quit being a mom. Although I've tried to talk to you and get things right again, I can see that things will never be the same. You should know that I have gone on to become a writer and have watched some of my dreams and goals come true. You should know that the morals you taught me when I was younger I still carry with me and stick to. You should know that I help victims and survivors of abuse and now work to expose the truth about the dangers of abuse. I know there are other daughters out there that probably feel the same way I do and there are other women out there who have watched their mothers go through abuse as they went through it as well. But using the experiences I went through, I use it to help them and encourage them, to reach out to them and let them know they are not alone.
Mom, I just wish you knew that you deserved better in life and shouldn't have had to put up with the abuse Dad made you endure and suffer. He had no right to take his anger out on you and hurt you the way he did. It does break my heart to know that he hurt you in so many ways. It hurt me watching him hurt you too. I have cried tears over you in the past, thinking about those haunting memories. If you ever do decide to talk about what you went through, know that I'll be there to listen. You're not alone, either you know. If you would only let me close to you, I could help you. I just hope that Dad isn't still hurting you and that maybe things have gotten a little better in the marriage since you're now going on 29 years of marriage. In closing, I just want to say that Mom, I love you and I always will love you. Maybe one day you'll see that. But just know that my love for you will never change. I hope that one day we can repair that mother/daughter relationship. For now though, just know that I'm doing okay and that I took after you in your spirit and creativity. I love you, Mom and if I could give you a hug right now, I would. If I could go back in time and change it where you wouldn't have had to suffer all the abuse, I would go back and change it. But the past is the past and I can't go back and undo it. However, learning from the past has made me know what not to do in my own life. Where ever you are, I hope that you're okay and I'm sure you'll be a good mother to Stephen and Mikaila, your new adopted children. Just promise me that you won't let Dad hurt them like he hurt us and that if it gets too bad, this time you'll leave and just know, if you need anything, I'm always here for you.
With all my love,
Jenna
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Path To Healing
Many times I've been asked by survivors what to do to heal from the abuse and what the best way to heal is. When it comes to healing, we have to find out for ourselves what works best for us because we are all different and each of us went through different situations. So what works for one person may not necessarily work for someone else. However, I wanted to write down and share some of the steps that have helped me on my journey of healing and that have helped me to break the cycle of abuse in my life.
Walk Away From The Abusive Situation
The first step to breaking the cycle is to completely walk away from the abusive situation you are in for good. Now, I know that for some of us, we want to try and put things together the way they used to be before the abuse ever started. We think that if we continue to stay, things might get better. My mom never walked away from her abusive marriage because she was afraid of getting out there on her own and raising two kids on her own when she didn't really have anyone she could turn to and she only had a little bit of college and a highschool education to her name. So she stayed and she is to this day still married to my dad. Because she chose to stay, I had to endure the abuse from my dad and had to grow up faster than I ever wanted to. Needless to say, I did not have a very happy childhood. In my own marriage, I learned the hard way when every time I would walk away, he would come after me, telling me that he was going to change and it would never happen again. That is a line that abusers use a lot. They claim they will change and that this isn't them in the hopes that you will take them back and they will still have that control over you. Many times I took my husband back, thinking that surely things could go back the way they were and that the abuse wouldn't happen again. I was wrong. Each time I took him back, the violence grew worse and more intense. Yes, I tried to fight for the marriage, I tried to suggest counseling, but nothing worked. Sometimes you have to know when to walk away from a fight because you must look out for yourself first. Your safety comes first. I'm not saying that abusers can't change, but most of the time they won't change and get the help that they need. There's nothing you can do to change the person because a person has to change because they want to change. However, you do not need to stay in a situation where you are being put through abuse all the time and feeling emotional and physical pain everyday. Even if you are in a relationship where the person is verbally abusive, walk away. Some people question if they should walk away if they are not being physically abused but just going through verbal abuse. The answer is yes, you should still walk away. Abuse is abuse no matter what form it is. The thing about verbal abuse is that it can escalate into physical abuse later on. No matter what type of abuse it is, you need to leave the situation. Don't wait because if you continue to wait, it could be too late. Think about yourself and if you have children, think about them, too. They don't need to be around the violence either. Real love doesn't hurt. Abuse is not love. So no matter what lines the abuser tells you, don't believe it. I know that it can be dangerous to leave some situations, but there are places that can help and the Domestic Violence Hotline which is 1-800-799-7233 can give you guidance and direction about where to get help in your area.
Realize That It Isn't and Wasn't Your Fault
What you went through was never your fault. Never feel that you are to blame for the abuse that you suffered. You were an innocent victim who did nothing to deserve the pain that you were put through. Nobody asks to be abused. When we go through brainwashing from our abusers, it can be very hard to train ourselves out of the pattern of thinking that the abuse was all our fault. This is something that I struggled with for awhile. My parents often told me it was my fault as to why they were having marriage problems and they told me how much of a worthless failure I was. I never heard anything good about myself. It was only negative words that were thrown at me. It's taken me awhile to train myself out of thinking that it was my fault and that I did something wrong that my parents didn't want me. Even now, I find myself having those memories and finding myself slipping back into that old way of thinking. What helps me to block out the memories is to remind myself how much better I am doing now that I have walked away and to envision my life how I want it to be. No matter what anyone says, it was and is never your fault!
Learn To Love and Accept Yourself
This can be a tough one for us survivors. The abuse we went through left us feeling worthless and ugly. We carried shame and guilt for a long time that was not ours to carry. In our abusers' eyes, we were just someone that they could take their anger out on. They saw only the imperfections and flaws in us so to them we were not beautiful. Let me just say that you are a very beautiful person. You are worth so much and you are a precious jewel. I admit that this is one area that I struggle with the most. My husband and my parents never showed me any love. They pointed out my flaws all the time when I failed to meet their expectations. Trapped in silence, I felt ugly on the inside and I couldn't rid myself of the shame that I felt. Even now that I am away from the abusive situations, I sometimes mentally compare myself to others and think that I am not "normal" like they are or that I'm not as beautiful as they are because of my abusive past. "Normal" shouldn't exist though when it comes to people. I believe that we are all beautiful in our own way and that the beauty that really shines through is inner beauty. Inner beauty is what makes a person attractive in every single way. Don't compare yourself to others because the qualities that you possess cannot be found in anyone else. Whenever I start feeling that I'm not beautiful or that I'm not good enough, I look in the mirror and I say out loud everything I have achieved in my life. As I say it out loud the words seem to sink in more. Anytime you feel that you aren't good enough or that you aren't beautiful, write down your achievements or say them out loud even. This helps to remind us what we have going for us and helps us to see the good in ourselves that we sometimes overlook and miss. Be proud of who you are. The greatest achievement that you've all ready accomplished is walking away because that takes the most courage and strength.
Express Your Emotions and Feelings
It is good to express your emotions and feelings that you have kept locked up inside after being silent for so long. My way of expressing my emotions is to write. I found writing to be my source of therapy that has helped me the most. If you are comfortable enough and feel ready, you can confront your abusers. Although, if you are looking for them to own up to what they did wrong and admit to what they did, chances are you will be disappointed. Do not expect your abuser to admit to the abuse that they put you through. I know it's good to get closure on what we went through in our pasts, but don't hang around, wanting to get that closure by trying to get your abuser to own up to anything. If you do this, it will keep you stuck in the past and you will never be able to really help anyone or fully move on either. I did confront my abusers and on each occasion they denied what they did. I knew I couldn't wait around for them to see what they did to me or I would never get anywhere in my life and I wouldn't be able to move on in my healing process. Yes, it would be nice if they would own up to what they did to us, but the odds aren't that great in that area. The majority of the time, they are going to turn it all on us and say we are the ones lying about it. I had to learn to forgive my abusers in order to get peace of mind and get the closure I needed and I had to accept that they were never going to come around. Once I did that, I could go on to help others and reach out to victims and survivors. Unless we come to terms with our past, we will not really be effective in helping and reaching out to others. We must take care of ourselves first and get where we need to be first in our lives before we can even think about trying to really help anyone else. If we can't take care of ourselves and get the healing that we need, then how are we going to be able to help others heal when they look to us for guidance in life? We need to be at our full potential before we can do that. It is good to find something whether it be journaling, writing, painting, etc. where you can release all those emotions. The more that you hold those emotions and feelings inside, the more it tears you apart. So express the feelings and emotions that you have. Crying is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength. Tears are a good thing and it is more than okay to cry to let it out.
Keep An Open Mind and Positive Attitude When It Comes To Healing
I have had people tell me before that when it comes to getting help after going through abuse, it is impossible and can't be found. That attitude right there won't get you anywhere. Not everything you try to help yourself heal will work out. That's okay. Keep trying to find the method that works best for you. As far as help being impossible to get, as a survivor, healing is one step at a time, one day at a time. If we survivors really want to heal, we have to keep an open mind and not give up and say it's impossible. Otherwise, we've all ready admitted defeat in our minds. I've been through a lot of abuse in my life and I know that healing is a process that does not happen right away. We don't forget the things we went through. It's not impossible to get help because what works for one person may not work for another person but you keep trying until you do find something that helps. For me, it was writing. That's what has helped me and has also allowed me to help other survivors and victims out there. There are different ways to heal besides just going on medications or going to counseling. I usually tell people to find something that they like to do, such as playing a sport, playing a musical instrument, writing, journaling, talking to a close friend, basically I tell survivors to use a hobby or talent they have as a source of healing.
No, it isn't always easy to get help from other people when we ask for it because many times when I asked for help, no one listened to me. However, I have found that there are good people out there who do want to help and I am learning to not let barriers and walls keep them out but to keep an open mind when it comes to getting help and getting the healing that I need. It all comes down to how we view things and our attitude in life. If we say it's impossible, then most likely it will be because we've closed our minds off to the possibility of ever getting the help and healing that we need. I have heard so many testimonies of abuse that survivors have gone through, and each story is filled with so much pain from the horrible nightmares that they faced. But they didn't give up and they didn't say that it was impossible to get help. Instead, they kept on going, finding the best methods that would help them to heal. We limit ourselves when we say it's impossible and that it's never going to happen. I know that it isn't an easy process in healing from the abuse of the past. We survivors continue to heal throughout our lives because it doesn't just go away. It's what we do with our lives, though, that matters. It's what we do with the second chance we get to rebuild our lives that counts. But we can never fully move on from the past if we sit there and say that it's impossible. We have to believe in ourselves and what we are doing. That's when things start to fall into place. It does take time, but it isn't impossible.
Surround Yourself With Positive People
The people that we hang out with greatly effect our lives. It is important that when we survivors are healing that we surround ourselves with positive people. Having a close circle of friends that we can trust and count on, that we know won't judge us, and that we know will be there for us every step of the way is vital. When we are around good people who understand and can relate to what we've gone through, they help us to grow more in our journey of healing. If your friends are putting you down and making you feel bad or guilty about what you went through, they are not true friends. Our friends also have an influence on the way we act and perceive ourselves, too. I noticed that when I would hang around people who had no goals in life, who just wanted to gossip all the time, and start drama, I began to take after them and follow their bad habits. They began to pull me down with them. Once I began weeding out the bad ones, I was able to have a clear mind. When I cleaned out my "drama" closet, it left room for more positive people to come into my life. When I hung out with positive friends, I felt more alive and better about myself. No longer did I feel burdened down by the gossip and the drama. Choose friends that build you up; not ones that tear you down.
Envision The Life That You Want
It is possible to have a life free from abuse. Sure, we may have come from broken homes, but that shouldn't effect the life that we live today. The future never has to reflect the past. Life hands us a second chance so those opportunities we get to better ourselves we need to seize. Once those moments are gone, we cannot get them back. We are getting another chance to get the life that we've wanted and it's never too late. Those dreams and goals that you had that were torn away from you or that you put on hold, bring them out again and start chasing them as you begin to turn them into a reality. Dreams are so important to have because they give us something to strive for in life. Life shouldn't be lived by thinking about what could have been but picturing what can be and finding the courage within. We can't go back and change those chapters of our lives that have all ready been written. So instead of trying to reopen them, we should be working instead on writing new pages for a better sequel as we take chances in life that will help us to advance. Picture the life that you want. Don't just talk about what you want to do, though. Actually take the necessary action and steps to make those dreams come true and to achieve those goals you have. Once you talk it out, then get out there and go after what you want. Sometimes it is good to map things out first and chart our goals so that we have a plan to follow and don't find ourselves getting lost and overwhelmed along the way. When I knew that I wanted to create Rising Above Magazine, start Letters From Survivors, and write books, I thought about it first and came up with the plan first. Then I put it into action. Yes, you are going to have people tell you that you can't do it. I had people oppose me and tell me that I shouldn't go ahead with things. They told me so many excuses as to why they thought I couldn't achieve my dreams and goals. I'm glad I didn't listen to them. I remember when I was in 9th grade and I had started writing my experiences down. I had some of my teacher assistants read the poems and journal entries that I wrote to get their advice and input on it. I had one tell me to stick with writing things I knew and that I was covering things that I had no idea about. Good thing I didn't listen to him. Another time, I had a person tell me that if it weren't for her and others who had her same knowledge, I would have nothing to write about. However, I do write on what I know because I write about my life and my life has nothing to do with anyone else. So I will always have things to write on since it's based on my life experiences. Those people who discourage you from your dreams are usually not satisfied with how their own lives have turned out and most likely since they have not gone for their own dreams and goals, they don't want to see anyone else pass them up and go on to be happy in life. Ignore them, though, and continue to live your life for you.
Take A Chance On Letting People In
Trust doesn't come easy for us survivors. We were betrayed by the very people that we gave our trust to. They should have protected us and kept us safe from harm. Unfortunately, they were the ones that hurt us the most. Because of this, we are cautious and very guarded as we put up walls and barriers around our hearts. Sometimes those walls and barriers can keep some really good people out though. A friend of mine once told me that just because I've been hurt in my life before does not mean that the next person to come along will hurt me. Actually, my best friend told me that and it was exactly what I needed to hear. For a long time, I remained distant and guarded, afraid to let anyone near me. I was afraid to fall in love again because I have this habit of running away and coming up with excuses and reasons as to why a relationship with someone won't work out or why they shouldn't date me. It's insecurity issues from my previous marriage and even my childhood but I'm working on it. I even had a tough time letting friends in that were there to help me. Yeah, we don't want people to see our fragile sides because we think that they will judge us and hurt us. It isn't fair though to assume they are going to be like the ones who hurt us when we haven't even given them a chance. It is good to be careful when it comes to trusting and it's good to get to know a person first. However, we shouldn't dismiss them before getting to know them due to assumptions we make that they will hurt us. After my marriage fell apart, I said that I was giving up on dating and love all together. I wanted nothing to do with all that. But recently I've met someone special who has come into my life when I least expected it who likes me for me and sees me for who I am. It is a close friendship that we have but we are building trust and getting to know each other. If I had shut this person out and just assumed he was going to treat me like my ex, I would have missed out on having my best friend in my life. Just because we've been hurt before doesn't mean that someone won't come along who loves us for who we are and helps to put the pieces of our hearts together. So yes, sometimes it is worth taking those walls and barriers down in order to let others in. Otherwise, we will miss out on establishing close friendships and having good relationships.
Believe In Yourself and What You Are Doing
Always, always believe in yourself. Even if no one else believes in you or what you are doing, continue to believe in yourself and have faith in your abilities and how far you will go. I don't know how many times I've had people in my life tell me I wouldn't make it. When I was younger, I was bullied at school. Kids teased me, laughed at me, and made fun of me. My parents didn't have high hopes for me. My father told me constantly how he wasn't proud of me and had nothing to be proud of me for. Of course, my parents were against every dream I had. When I began speaking out and sharing my story, I had people send me hate messages. I've learned to use those negative messages though as my motivation to keep on going and prove people wrong. I wonder what those who told me I would never amount to much would think now if they saw everything I am doing with my life. When other people tell you that you can't do anything, tell them that you can and then set out to prove them wrong. We survivors are underdogs. We are not expected to make it far. But you know what, we can beat the odds and we all ready have beat the odds against us because we've risen above the ashes of our past. Let them say what they want about us, but as long as we believe in ourselves and what we are doing, then there is nothing that we can't achieve. Use the negativity as stepping stones to reach success in your life. Let those discouraging remarks be the fuel that lights that fire in you and sparks that determination in you that will show them who you really are and what you are capable of doing. Never stop believing in yourself. Their mistake is underestimating us and the strength that we have within us.
Refuse To Repeat The History Of Your Past
In my family history, there is a lot of abuse and violence. I have watched my own brother become like the abusive men in my family. I saw how my mom never left my dad but endured and suffered the abuse day after day after day. I didn't want to be like her and didn't want to make the same mistake that she made when she chose to stay rather than walk away. I chose to walk away and break the cycle of abuse in my life so that I wouldn't repeat my family history. We don't have to repeat the history of our past or repeat our family's history. Don't put up with family that abuses you even after you've broken the cycle. You don't have to be like your abusers because you are not them. They didn't change or get help for issues they went through, but we can get help and we make a change in our own lives. We have an opportunity to raise our children in abuse free homes and give them the life that we didn't have when we were younger. The mistakes that our abusers made we can learn from. We know what not to be like since we know how much it hurt to go through the abuse. Now when we start our own families, we can teach our kids about the dangers of abuse and they can teach their kids and their kids can teach their kids and so forth so we are starting a new generation within our families that is abuse free. Cutting ties and saying goodbye is the best way to break the cycle and move on so that we don't repeat the history of the past.
Share Your Story With Others
When you feel that you are ready, speak out and share your story with other victims and survivors. For those survivors who are ready to speak out, be a voice for those who remain without a voice. It is okay if you are not ready to share your story with the world. We're all at different healing stages in our lives. I've had people delete me and have nothing to do with me because they said that using the word Survivor was not good and that I was being negative by using that word. There is nothing wrong with the word Survivor. How else are we to describe ourselves? Even for people who have not gone through abuse, they are still survivors because to make it through life we all have to fight to survive. Life is all about survival. Some survivors block it out and want to deny what they have gone through. The truth is you are never going to completely block it completely out. People can try to run away from their past and pretend that nothing ever happened but you cannot run away from the truth that is a part of you. You may think that no one wants to hear your story or that it's not important because it seems that others have gone through worse. However, this is not about comparing battle scars or stories because everyone one of us has had it bad. Your story is just as important as anyone else's. As far as thinking no one wants to hear it, you'd be surprised how many there are out there who draw hope and inspiration just from hearing about what you have gone through. Your story lets them know they are not alone. It gives them something to hold onto, it gives them the hope they need to keep hanging on. They look at you as a hero and a role model because they see what you have survived and know that they too can make it and have a new life. You are paving the way for them to speak out when you speak out and share your story. So don't be afraid to speak out when you are ready to. Your story of survival is helping to save lives that are still trapped in silence. You're giving them courage to break the cycle of abuse in their life and to shatter their own silence. Yes, your story may not seem important to you, but let me tell you, in the eyes of so many victims and survivors out there, it is very important and is a lifesaver.
Healing is a step by step process that we must take one day at a time. These are just some of the steps that have helped me on my journey as I allow myself to heal. Along this road, I know I will keep learning more and as I continue to learn more, I will continue to share what knowledge I have with others so that they too can get to that point in their own life where their wings are repaired and they can take flight as they reach out to others. When we share our experiences with each other, we are able to work together to save those who are lost and alone and we are able to fight side by side on the battlefield of life to rescue them.
Walk Away From The Abusive Situation
The first step to breaking the cycle is to completely walk away from the abusive situation you are in for good. Now, I know that for some of us, we want to try and put things together the way they used to be before the abuse ever started. We think that if we continue to stay, things might get better. My mom never walked away from her abusive marriage because she was afraid of getting out there on her own and raising two kids on her own when she didn't really have anyone she could turn to and she only had a little bit of college and a highschool education to her name. So she stayed and she is to this day still married to my dad. Because she chose to stay, I had to endure the abuse from my dad and had to grow up faster than I ever wanted to. Needless to say, I did not have a very happy childhood. In my own marriage, I learned the hard way when every time I would walk away, he would come after me, telling me that he was going to change and it would never happen again. That is a line that abusers use a lot. They claim they will change and that this isn't them in the hopes that you will take them back and they will still have that control over you. Many times I took my husband back, thinking that surely things could go back the way they were and that the abuse wouldn't happen again. I was wrong. Each time I took him back, the violence grew worse and more intense. Yes, I tried to fight for the marriage, I tried to suggest counseling, but nothing worked. Sometimes you have to know when to walk away from a fight because you must look out for yourself first. Your safety comes first. I'm not saying that abusers can't change, but most of the time they won't change and get the help that they need. There's nothing you can do to change the person because a person has to change because they want to change. However, you do not need to stay in a situation where you are being put through abuse all the time and feeling emotional and physical pain everyday. Even if you are in a relationship where the person is verbally abusive, walk away. Some people question if they should walk away if they are not being physically abused but just going through verbal abuse. The answer is yes, you should still walk away. Abuse is abuse no matter what form it is. The thing about verbal abuse is that it can escalate into physical abuse later on. No matter what type of abuse it is, you need to leave the situation. Don't wait because if you continue to wait, it could be too late. Think about yourself and if you have children, think about them, too. They don't need to be around the violence either. Real love doesn't hurt. Abuse is not love. So no matter what lines the abuser tells you, don't believe it. I know that it can be dangerous to leave some situations, but there are places that can help and the Domestic Violence Hotline which is 1-800-799-7233 can give you guidance and direction about where to get help in your area.
Realize That It Isn't and Wasn't Your Fault
What you went through was never your fault. Never feel that you are to blame for the abuse that you suffered. You were an innocent victim who did nothing to deserve the pain that you were put through. Nobody asks to be abused. When we go through brainwashing from our abusers, it can be very hard to train ourselves out of the pattern of thinking that the abuse was all our fault. This is something that I struggled with for awhile. My parents often told me it was my fault as to why they were having marriage problems and they told me how much of a worthless failure I was. I never heard anything good about myself. It was only negative words that were thrown at me. It's taken me awhile to train myself out of thinking that it was my fault and that I did something wrong that my parents didn't want me. Even now, I find myself having those memories and finding myself slipping back into that old way of thinking. What helps me to block out the memories is to remind myself how much better I am doing now that I have walked away and to envision my life how I want it to be. No matter what anyone says, it was and is never your fault!
Learn To Love and Accept Yourself
This can be a tough one for us survivors. The abuse we went through left us feeling worthless and ugly. We carried shame and guilt for a long time that was not ours to carry. In our abusers' eyes, we were just someone that they could take their anger out on. They saw only the imperfections and flaws in us so to them we were not beautiful. Let me just say that you are a very beautiful person. You are worth so much and you are a precious jewel. I admit that this is one area that I struggle with the most. My husband and my parents never showed me any love. They pointed out my flaws all the time when I failed to meet their expectations. Trapped in silence, I felt ugly on the inside and I couldn't rid myself of the shame that I felt. Even now that I am away from the abusive situations, I sometimes mentally compare myself to others and think that I am not "normal" like they are or that I'm not as beautiful as they are because of my abusive past. "Normal" shouldn't exist though when it comes to people. I believe that we are all beautiful in our own way and that the beauty that really shines through is inner beauty. Inner beauty is what makes a person attractive in every single way. Don't compare yourself to others because the qualities that you possess cannot be found in anyone else. Whenever I start feeling that I'm not beautiful or that I'm not good enough, I look in the mirror and I say out loud everything I have achieved in my life. As I say it out loud the words seem to sink in more. Anytime you feel that you aren't good enough or that you aren't beautiful, write down your achievements or say them out loud even. This helps to remind us what we have going for us and helps us to see the good in ourselves that we sometimes overlook and miss. Be proud of who you are. The greatest achievement that you've all ready accomplished is walking away because that takes the most courage and strength.
Express Your Emotions and Feelings
It is good to express your emotions and feelings that you have kept locked up inside after being silent for so long. My way of expressing my emotions is to write. I found writing to be my source of therapy that has helped me the most. If you are comfortable enough and feel ready, you can confront your abusers. Although, if you are looking for them to own up to what they did wrong and admit to what they did, chances are you will be disappointed. Do not expect your abuser to admit to the abuse that they put you through. I know it's good to get closure on what we went through in our pasts, but don't hang around, wanting to get that closure by trying to get your abuser to own up to anything. If you do this, it will keep you stuck in the past and you will never be able to really help anyone or fully move on either. I did confront my abusers and on each occasion they denied what they did. I knew I couldn't wait around for them to see what they did to me or I would never get anywhere in my life and I wouldn't be able to move on in my healing process. Yes, it would be nice if they would own up to what they did to us, but the odds aren't that great in that area. The majority of the time, they are going to turn it all on us and say we are the ones lying about it. I had to learn to forgive my abusers in order to get peace of mind and get the closure I needed and I had to accept that they were never going to come around. Once I did that, I could go on to help others and reach out to victims and survivors. Unless we come to terms with our past, we will not really be effective in helping and reaching out to others. We must take care of ourselves first and get where we need to be first in our lives before we can even think about trying to really help anyone else. If we can't take care of ourselves and get the healing that we need, then how are we going to be able to help others heal when they look to us for guidance in life? We need to be at our full potential before we can do that. It is good to find something whether it be journaling, writing, painting, etc. where you can release all those emotions. The more that you hold those emotions and feelings inside, the more it tears you apart. So express the feelings and emotions that you have. Crying is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength. Tears are a good thing and it is more than okay to cry to let it out.
Keep An Open Mind and Positive Attitude When It Comes To Healing
I have had people tell me before that when it comes to getting help after going through abuse, it is impossible and can't be found. That attitude right there won't get you anywhere. Not everything you try to help yourself heal will work out. That's okay. Keep trying to find the method that works best for you. As far as help being impossible to get, as a survivor, healing is one step at a time, one day at a time. If we survivors really want to heal, we have to keep an open mind and not give up and say it's impossible. Otherwise, we've all ready admitted defeat in our minds. I've been through a lot of abuse in my life and I know that healing is a process that does not happen right away. We don't forget the things we went through. It's not impossible to get help because what works for one person may not work for another person but you keep trying until you do find something that helps. For me, it was writing. That's what has helped me and has also allowed me to help other survivors and victims out there. There are different ways to heal besides just going on medications or going to counseling. I usually tell people to find something that they like to do, such as playing a sport, playing a musical instrument, writing, journaling, talking to a close friend, basically I tell survivors to use a hobby or talent they have as a source of healing.
No, it isn't always easy to get help from other people when we ask for it because many times when I asked for help, no one listened to me. However, I have found that there are good people out there who do want to help and I am learning to not let barriers and walls keep them out but to keep an open mind when it comes to getting help and getting the healing that I need. It all comes down to how we view things and our attitude in life. If we say it's impossible, then most likely it will be because we've closed our minds off to the possibility of ever getting the help and healing that we need. I have heard so many testimonies of abuse that survivors have gone through, and each story is filled with so much pain from the horrible nightmares that they faced. But they didn't give up and they didn't say that it was impossible to get help. Instead, they kept on going, finding the best methods that would help them to heal. We limit ourselves when we say it's impossible and that it's never going to happen. I know that it isn't an easy process in healing from the abuse of the past. We survivors continue to heal throughout our lives because it doesn't just go away. It's what we do with our lives, though, that matters. It's what we do with the second chance we get to rebuild our lives that counts. But we can never fully move on from the past if we sit there and say that it's impossible. We have to believe in ourselves and what we are doing. That's when things start to fall into place. It does take time, but it isn't impossible.
Surround Yourself With Positive People
The people that we hang out with greatly effect our lives. It is important that when we survivors are healing that we surround ourselves with positive people. Having a close circle of friends that we can trust and count on, that we know won't judge us, and that we know will be there for us every step of the way is vital. When we are around good people who understand and can relate to what we've gone through, they help us to grow more in our journey of healing. If your friends are putting you down and making you feel bad or guilty about what you went through, they are not true friends. Our friends also have an influence on the way we act and perceive ourselves, too. I noticed that when I would hang around people who had no goals in life, who just wanted to gossip all the time, and start drama, I began to take after them and follow their bad habits. They began to pull me down with them. Once I began weeding out the bad ones, I was able to have a clear mind. When I cleaned out my "drama" closet, it left room for more positive people to come into my life. When I hung out with positive friends, I felt more alive and better about myself. No longer did I feel burdened down by the gossip and the drama. Choose friends that build you up; not ones that tear you down.
Envision The Life That You Want
It is possible to have a life free from abuse. Sure, we may have come from broken homes, but that shouldn't effect the life that we live today. The future never has to reflect the past. Life hands us a second chance so those opportunities we get to better ourselves we need to seize. Once those moments are gone, we cannot get them back. We are getting another chance to get the life that we've wanted and it's never too late. Those dreams and goals that you had that were torn away from you or that you put on hold, bring them out again and start chasing them as you begin to turn them into a reality. Dreams are so important to have because they give us something to strive for in life. Life shouldn't be lived by thinking about what could have been but picturing what can be and finding the courage within. We can't go back and change those chapters of our lives that have all ready been written. So instead of trying to reopen them, we should be working instead on writing new pages for a better sequel as we take chances in life that will help us to advance. Picture the life that you want. Don't just talk about what you want to do, though. Actually take the necessary action and steps to make those dreams come true and to achieve those goals you have. Once you talk it out, then get out there and go after what you want. Sometimes it is good to map things out first and chart our goals so that we have a plan to follow and don't find ourselves getting lost and overwhelmed along the way. When I knew that I wanted to create Rising Above Magazine, start Letters From Survivors, and write books, I thought about it first and came up with the plan first. Then I put it into action. Yes, you are going to have people tell you that you can't do it. I had people oppose me and tell me that I shouldn't go ahead with things. They told me so many excuses as to why they thought I couldn't achieve my dreams and goals. I'm glad I didn't listen to them. I remember when I was in 9th grade and I had started writing my experiences down. I had some of my teacher assistants read the poems and journal entries that I wrote to get their advice and input on it. I had one tell me to stick with writing things I knew and that I was covering things that I had no idea about. Good thing I didn't listen to him. Another time, I had a person tell me that if it weren't for her and others who had her same knowledge, I would have nothing to write about. However, I do write on what I know because I write about my life and my life has nothing to do with anyone else. So I will always have things to write on since it's based on my life experiences. Those people who discourage you from your dreams are usually not satisfied with how their own lives have turned out and most likely since they have not gone for their own dreams and goals, they don't want to see anyone else pass them up and go on to be happy in life. Ignore them, though, and continue to live your life for you.
Take A Chance On Letting People In
Trust doesn't come easy for us survivors. We were betrayed by the very people that we gave our trust to. They should have protected us and kept us safe from harm. Unfortunately, they were the ones that hurt us the most. Because of this, we are cautious and very guarded as we put up walls and barriers around our hearts. Sometimes those walls and barriers can keep some really good people out though. A friend of mine once told me that just because I've been hurt in my life before does not mean that the next person to come along will hurt me. Actually, my best friend told me that and it was exactly what I needed to hear. For a long time, I remained distant and guarded, afraid to let anyone near me. I was afraid to fall in love again because I have this habit of running away and coming up with excuses and reasons as to why a relationship with someone won't work out or why they shouldn't date me. It's insecurity issues from my previous marriage and even my childhood but I'm working on it. I even had a tough time letting friends in that were there to help me. Yeah, we don't want people to see our fragile sides because we think that they will judge us and hurt us. It isn't fair though to assume they are going to be like the ones who hurt us when we haven't even given them a chance. It is good to be careful when it comes to trusting and it's good to get to know a person first. However, we shouldn't dismiss them before getting to know them due to assumptions we make that they will hurt us. After my marriage fell apart, I said that I was giving up on dating and love all together. I wanted nothing to do with all that. But recently I've met someone special who has come into my life when I least expected it who likes me for me and sees me for who I am. It is a close friendship that we have but we are building trust and getting to know each other. If I had shut this person out and just assumed he was going to treat me like my ex, I would have missed out on having my best friend in my life. Just because we've been hurt before doesn't mean that someone won't come along who loves us for who we are and helps to put the pieces of our hearts together. So yes, sometimes it is worth taking those walls and barriers down in order to let others in. Otherwise, we will miss out on establishing close friendships and having good relationships.
Believe In Yourself and What You Are Doing
Always, always believe in yourself. Even if no one else believes in you or what you are doing, continue to believe in yourself and have faith in your abilities and how far you will go. I don't know how many times I've had people in my life tell me I wouldn't make it. When I was younger, I was bullied at school. Kids teased me, laughed at me, and made fun of me. My parents didn't have high hopes for me. My father told me constantly how he wasn't proud of me and had nothing to be proud of me for. Of course, my parents were against every dream I had. When I began speaking out and sharing my story, I had people send me hate messages. I've learned to use those negative messages though as my motivation to keep on going and prove people wrong. I wonder what those who told me I would never amount to much would think now if they saw everything I am doing with my life. When other people tell you that you can't do anything, tell them that you can and then set out to prove them wrong. We survivors are underdogs. We are not expected to make it far. But you know what, we can beat the odds and we all ready have beat the odds against us because we've risen above the ashes of our past. Let them say what they want about us, but as long as we believe in ourselves and what we are doing, then there is nothing that we can't achieve. Use the negativity as stepping stones to reach success in your life. Let those discouraging remarks be the fuel that lights that fire in you and sparks that determination in you that will show them who you really are and what you are capable of doing. Never stop believing in yourself. Their mistake is underestimating us and the strength that we have within us.
Refuse To Repeat The History Of Your Past
In my family history, there is a lot of abuse and violence. I have watched my own brother become like the abusive men in my family. I saw how my mom never left my dad but endured and suffered the abuse day after day after day. I didn't want to be like her and didn't want to make the same mistake that she made when she chose to stay rather than walk away. I chose to walk away and break the cycle of abuse in my life so that I wouldn't repeat my family history. We don't have to repeat the history of our past or repeat our family's history. Don't put up with family that abuses you even after you've broken the cycle. You don't have to be like your abusers because you are not them. They didn't change or get help for issues they went through, but we can get help and we make a change in our own lives. We have an opportunity to raise our children in abuse free homes and give them the life that we didn't have when we were younger. The mistakes that our abusers made we can learn from. We know what not to be like since we know how much it hurt to go through the abuse. Now when we start our own families, we can teach our kids about the dangers of abuse and they can teach their kids and their kids can teach their kids and so forth so we are starting a new generation within our families that is abuse free. Cutting ties and saying goodbye is the best way to break the cycle and move on so that we don't repeat the history of the past.
Share Your Story With Others
When you feel that you are ready, speak out and share your story with other victims and survivors. For those survivors who are ready to speak out, be a voice for those who remain without a voice. It is okay if you are not ready to share your story with the world. We're all at different healing stages in our lives. I've had people delete me and have nothing to do with me because they said that using the word Survivor was not good and that I was being negative by using that word. There is nothing wrong with the word Survivor. How else are we to describe ourselves? Even for people who have not gone through abuse, they are still survivors because to make it through life we all have to fight to survive. Life is all about survival. Some survivors block it out and want to deny what they have gone through. The truth is you are never going to completely block it completely out. People can try to run away from their past and pretend that nothing ever happened but you cannot run away from the truth that is a part of you. You may think that no one wants to hear your story or that it's not important because it seems that others have gone through worse. However, this is not about comparing battle scars or stories because everyone one of us has had it bad. Your story is just as important as anyone else's. As far as thinking no one wants to hear it, you'd be surprised how many there are out there who draw hope and inspiration just from hearing about what you have gone through. Your story lets them know they are not alone. It gives them something to hold onto, it gives them the hope they need to keep hanging on. They look at you as a hero and a role model because they see what you have survived and know that they too can make it and have a new life. You are paving the way for them to speak out when you speak out and share your story. So don't be afraid to speak out when you are ready to. Your story of survival is helping to save lives that are still trapped in silence. You're giving them courage to break the cycle of abuse in their life and to shatter their own silence. Yes, your story may not seem important to you, but let me tell you, in the eyes of so many victims and survivors out there, it is very important and is a lifesaver.
Healing is a step by step process that we must take one day at a time. These are just some of the steps that have helped me on my journey as I allow myself to heal. Along this road, I know I will keep learning more and as I continue to learn more, I will continue to share what knowledge I have with others so that they too can get to that point in their own life where their wings are repaired and they can take flight as they reach out to others. When we share our experiences with each other, we are able to work together to save those who are lost and alone and we are able to fight side by side on the battlefield of life to rescue them.
Letting Your Wings Heal and Learning To Fly Again
I find it sad whenever other survivors want to judge their fellow survivors and put them down for things they have been through. Of all people, our fellow survivors should understand what we have endured and suffered since they went through similar things in their own lives. Yet, some of them want to harshly criticize those survivors who take that step to speak out. Isn't it bad enough that we have those who haven't gone through abuse judging us all the time and putting us on trial? But then those who have been abused want to try to keep us silent. I've had survivors on here judge me and send me messages about how I dwell on the past too much and how I come across as depressing and that I need to get out there and date again and that I'm too young to be living this life, that I need to have fun in life.
Well, they don't know me and that is just their opinion on how they think I should live my life. I am happy with the life I am living. The problem is that people read what others write and they base their assumptions and opinions not on knowing the person in real life but rather what they read in their personal blogs. A blog is a place to write your feelings down; it's your own journal. I know that for many survivors, writing is good therapy for it allows you to release those feelings and emotions that you have kept locked inside for years. But some of these survivors go through and read the posts and decide they will try to tell others how to live their lives. Well, with all the criticism and discouragement, it makes it where the survivors who were going to speak out don't want to go forth anymore because of what they were told by their own fellow survivors, the very people who should be able to relate to them. When I read the note from this woman about how I should get out there and date, that all guys aren't jerks like my father and husband were, that I should be out there having fun, that I come across as depressing and dwell on my past too much, I just shrugged it off. At 23, I am living the life I want. I chose to speak out and chose to use my past to help others. I knew that's what I wanted to do back when I was a teenager. It's always been inside me, that fire, that desire to help my fellow survivors and reach out to survivors and victims all over. For this woman to sit there and say that I need to date again, well that's my own personal choice not to date. I don't need a man in my life right now to make me happy. There are more important things in my life right now then getting out there and trying to find my Prince Charming. Also, I know in my heart, that I am not in the right place in my life right now to be entering a relationship with anyone because I know that I need to heal some more. In order for a relationship to work out, I need to make sure that I am emotionally stable enough first. I don't feel that I'm in the right emotional place in my life right now to be dating. This lady doesn't know what is best for my life; I know what is best for me. Why would I rush into something when I'm not as prepared as I should be? That is only asking for things to fall apart and setting myself up for failure and another heartache.
The second thing that I don't like is when survivors tell other survivors, oh you need to be positive; your story is so depressing and you dwell on the past too much. Okay, that goes right along with "just get over it." The life of a survivor is not glamorous. Obviously with the abuse we have gone through and the experiences we have suffered and endured, every part of our life is not going to be beautiful. I know that my past sure isn't beautiful. However, it's okay to talk about what you have gone through. When these other survivors say things like that to us, they are actually hurting us and preventing us from sharing our feelings, or should I say trying to prevent us from doing that. With everything we have gone through and all that we have seen and felt, I think it is more than okay to express our emotions. Share your story, blog about it, talk about it; it is your right that you have earned. When people tell me that I am depressing, I ignore it. It's one thing if you go around wanting people to feel sorry for you and try to use your story to get pity. You should never use your story to get pity and get people to feel sorry for you. Personally, I would think that as a survivor, you'd take pride in the fact that you made it out of your situation and had the courage to leave. When you share your story and use your past to help others, make sure to do it in a way that people don't feel sorry for you but see the strength, beauty, and courage within you. I would rather have respect than sympathy and pity.
As far as being positive all the time, that is not possible. Sure, I tell people to look on the bright side of things and have a positive outlook in life, but I also know that isn't possible to maintain a positive energy and attitude all the time. People think that I am this positive person but let me tell you, I have those bad days too. I struggle with bouts of depression and I've gone through anxiety attacks and I've had bad memories come to mind that I didn't want to think about. As much as I try to focus on the good things in life, I know that it is okay if I have bad days. I even get angry thinking about how I was hurt in my life and the abuse I went through. It's okay to get angry and upset because we had a crime committed against us. We had our hearts broken, our lives shattered, our dreams torn apart from us, and we were forced to grow up faster than we ever wanted to. Just don't let your anger get out of control where you end up hurting others and taking your anger out on them. For those of us who have been abused, I think that the anger we feel towards our abusers is absolutely normal. I mean, they hurt us in so many ways and they stole a piece of our lives away from us. We can't get those years back that they took from us. We don't have to be like them though and we don't have to follow in their footsteps. Just because they took their anger out on us does not mean that we are going to do the same to the ones we love and care about. We have a chance to change our history and not be like the ones who hurt us.
When these other people, those who have not been through abuse and those who have, tell us that we are depressing and shouldn't be focusing on our past so much, I think that they are just not ready to read about the pain we have been through. I will admit that when I read other survivors' stories, it can be tough for me sometimes because having a compassionate heart and knowing what it's like to go through abuse, it hurts to think about these innocent lives being hurt in cruel ways. At the same time though, it gives me more respect for the survivor because I see the courage, the determination and the strength they have in them for leaving and getting out of there. I see how they have overcome those obstacles in their lives and how they have risen above it. I see how they are reaching out to others, trying to help them out. Survivors are some of the most beautiful people I know. Most of them have hearts filled with compassion for others who are going through abuse or who went through it. Because they went through it, they have this desire to help others and to comfort them. We don't want others to go through the same things we did because we've seen how it affected us and all the grief and pain it caused us. So we set out to protect others from going through the abuse. I think it's just in the nature of a survivor to feel that way. We don't want to see others hurt like we did.
We all heal at different rates. For some, the healing starts to come earlier and sooner in their lives. For others, it may take a little bit longer. Regardless, though, survivors should not be judging each other, tearing each other down, and destroying one another. I've had people tell me that we shouldn't even use the term "survivor" to identify ourselves. They claim that we are not survivors of anything. If we are not survivors of anything, than what are we? We're not victims because we've broken the chains of our past. We are survivors because we survived abuse. Sadly, not everyone makes it out alive. This is the definition of survive according to the dictionary:
survive |sərˈvīv|
verb [ intrans. ]
continue to live or exist, esp. in spite of danger or hardship : against all odds the child survived.
• [ trans. ] continue to live or exist in spite of (an accident or ordeal) : he has survived several assassination attempts.
• [ trans. ] remain alive after the death of (a particular person) : he was survived by his wife and six children | [as adj. ] ( surviving) there were no surviving relatives.
• [ intrans. ] manage to keep going in difficult circumstances : she had to work day and night and survive on two hours sleep.
Therefore, we are survivors in life. We continued to live even after we went through the abuse. We are proof of that because we are still standing here today. We're still living our lives but we're allowing ourselves to heal from the pain so that we can move on and get a better life for ourselves. We've managed to keep going despite the hard times we experienced. I think that some still live in denial over the things that they have gone through. I think there are those who really don't want to own up to it and try to push it all aside, thinking it will just go away. Maybe it's because they don't want others to think less of them or they don't want to be judged. Maybe it's because they don't want to think about it and they just want it to go away. I was one of those who for a time in my life tried to block everything out and ignore the pain. I tried to deny what happened to me, but in the end, when I tried to run away from my problems, they only caught up with me. Your past is never going to go away. There will always be those memories that stick with you. You can never deny the truth about what you have gone through and where you have been in your life. The only way to overcome it is to take the right steps to begin to heal and get help. I also think that some people don't want to read other survivors' stories because they may not be ready for that yet and it could trigger them. They may not be at that point in their lives where they can handle reading what others have been through. Hey, it's not easy to read about someone else's pain because when you can relate to the person, you feel those memories come back and it's as if you feel the pain too since you can identify with what they have gone through. So some people may just not be ready for it. Then others may just be jealous that you are further along in your healing then they are in theirs. They may wish that they were as far along as you are in your journey when they see that you are able to speak out and break your silence. They probably wish they were at that point in their lives.
The thing is, that no matter what the reason is, there is never a good reason to tear someone else down and discourage them from speaking out and sharing their stories, or releasing their emotions and feelings through writing. We shouldn't be jealous of one another because we are all survivors who can identify with each other and relate to one another. No, every aspect of our lives are not going to be beautiful. We're not always going to be positive; we are going to have bad days. What really counts though is that we are getting out there, trying to make a difference and sharing our stories, not to get others to feel sorry for us, but to show them that they too can overcome the pain in their lives and that they too can rise above those ashes of their past. Just because one survivor is a little bit further along in their healing than another survivor is, it does not make that person more important or even better. We can't worry about what others say or think about us. We must focus on our own lives and where we are at in our own lives. Yes, we can learn from others who have been there and we can most certainly encourage each other as we continue to heal. We should never make other survivors feel inferior though or make them feel that they have to remain silent about what they have gone through. We've been trapped in silence long enough.
Let your wings heal. It takes time for your wings to heal. As you continue to advance in your healing, then test your wings to see how far you are able to fly. You don't want to rush anything in your healing; if you try to take on too much at one time, you'll find yourself crashing. Learn to fly again but learn at your own rate and don't try to race other survivors because it isn't about who can fly the fastest or the furthest in life. It's about you being able to get to that point in your life where you can fly again and where you can find yourself soaring high as you put distance between your past and your future. The choices that you make in your life are decisions that no one else can make for you. You have to make the ones that are right for you since you are the only one who knows what is best for you and what you can handle in your life. You may be thinking, is it worth it, getting out there and putting yourself out there when you speak out and share your story? I've thought the same thing before and in my heart, I know the answer. For me, it is worth it. It is worth it because I know that even though there are those who try to discourage me from reaching my dreams and gaining my full potential, there are more out there that I am able to help by talking about my past. To me it is worth it to get out there and share my story because I don't care about those who don't like me or who want to bring me down; I only care about those whose lives I am helping to save and am making a difference in by telling my story. Knowing that I can reach others with my story makes it all worth it. Let your wings heal and then when you are ready prepare for flight and fly high to find your destination in life.
Well, they don't know me and that is just their opinion on how they think I should live my life. I am happy with the life I am living. The problem is that people read what others write and they base their assumptions and opinions not on knowing the person in real life but rather what they read in their personal blogs. A blog is a place to write your feelings down; it's your own journal. I know that for many survivors, writing is good therapy for it allows you to release those feelings and emotions that you have kept locked inside for years. But some of these survivors go through and read the posts and decide they will try to tell others how to live their lives. Well, with all the criticism and discouragement, it makes it where the survivors who were going to speak out don't want to go forth anymore because of what they were told by their own fellow survivors, the very people who should be able to relate to them. When I read the note from this woman about how I should get out there and date, that all guys aren't jerks like my father and husband were, that I should be out there having fun, that I come across as depressing and dwell on my past too much, I just shrugged it off. At 23, I am living the life I want. I chose to speak out and chose to use my past to help others. I knew that's what I wanted to do back when I was a teenager. It's always been inside me, that fire, that desire to help my fellow survivors and reach out to survivors and victims all over. For this woman to sit there and say that I need to date again, well that's my own personal choice not to date. I don't need a man in my life right now to make me happy. There are more important things in my life right now then getting out there and trying to find my Prince Charming. Also, I know in my heart, that I am not in the right place in my life right now to be entering a relationship with anyone because I know that I need to heal some more. In order for a relationship to work out, I need to make sure that I am emotionally stable enough first. I don't feel that I'm in the right emotional place in my life right now to be dating. This lady doesn't know what is best for my life; I know what is best for me. Why would I rush into something when I'm not as prepared as I should be? That is only asking for things to fall apart and setting myself up for failure and another heartache.
The second thing that I don't like is when survivors tell other survivors, oh you need to be positive; your story is so depressing and you dwell on the past too much. Okay, that goes right along with "just get over it." The life of a survivor is not glamorous. Obviously with the abuse we have gone through and the experiences we have suffered and endured, every part of our life is not going to be beautiful. I know that my past sure isn't beautiful. However, it's okay to talk about what you have gone through. When these other survivors say things like that to us, they are actually hurting us and preventing us from sharing our feelings, or should I say trying to prevent us from doing that. With everything we have gone through and all that we have seen and felt, I think it is more than okay to express our emotions. Share your story, blog about it, talk about it; it is your right that you have earned. When people tell me that I am depressing, I ignore it. It's one thing if you go around wanting people to feel sorry for you and try to use your story to get pity. You should never use your story to get pity and get people to feel sorry for you. Personally, I would think that as a survivor, you'd take pride in the fact that you made it out of your situation and had the courage to leave. When you share your story and use your past to help others, make sure to do it in a way that people don't feel sorry for you but see the strength, beauty, and courage within you. I would rather have respect than sympathy and pity.
As far as being positive all the time, that is not possible. Sure, I tell people to look on the bright side of things and have a positive outlook in life, but I also know that isn't possible to maintain a positive energy and attitude all the time. People think that I am this positive person but let me tell you, I have those bad days too. I struggle with bouts of depression and I've gone through anxiety attacks and I've had bad memories come to mind that I didn't want to think about. As much as I try to focus on the good things in life, I know that it is okay if I have bad days. I even get angry thinking about how I was hurt in my life and the abuse I went through. It's okay to get angry and upset because we had a crime committed against us. We had our hearts broken, our lives shattered, our dreams torn apart from us, and we were forced to grow up faster than we ever wanted to. Just don't let your anger get out of control where you end up hurting others and taking your anger out on them. For those of us who have been abused, I think that the anger we feel towards our abusers is absolutely normal. I mean, they hurt us in so many ways and they stole a piece of our lives away from us. We can't get those years back that they took from us. We don't have to be like them though and we don't have to follow in their footsteps. Just because they took their anger out on us does not mean that we are going to do the same to the ones we love and care about. We have a chance to change our history and not be like the ones who hurt us.
When these other people, those who have not been through abuse and those who have, tell us that we are depressing and shouldn't be focusing on our past so much, I think that they are just not ready to read about the pain we have been through. I will admit that when I read other survivors' stories, it can be tough for me sometimes because having a compassionate heart and knowing what it's like to go through abuse, it hurts to think about these innocent lives being hurt in cruel ways. At the same time though, it gives me more respect for the survivor because I see the courage, the determination and the strength they have in them for leaving and getting out of there. I see how they have overcome those obstacles in their lives and how they have risen above it. I see how they are reaching out to others, trying to help them out. Survivors are some of the most beautiful people I know. Most of them have hearts filled with compassion for others who are going through abuse or who went through it. Because they went through it, they have this desire to help others and to comfort them. We don't want others to go through the same things we did because we've seen how it affected us and all the grief and pain it caused us. So we set out to protect others from going through the abuse. I think it's just in the nature of a survivor to feel that way. We don't want to see others hurt like we did.
We all heal at different rates. For some, the healing starts to come earlier and sooner in their lives. For others, it may take a little bit longer. Regardless, though, survivors should not be judging each other, tearing each other down, and destroying one another. I've had people tell me that we shouldn't even use the term "survivor" to identify ourselves. They claim that we are not survivors of anything. If we are not survivors of anything, than what are we? We're not victims because we've broken the chains of our past. We are survivors because we survived abuse. Sadly, not everyone makes it out alive. This is the definition of survive according to the dictionary:
survive |sərˈvīv|
verb [ intrans. ]
continue to live or exist, esp. in spite of danger or hardship : against all odds the child survived.
• [ trans. ] continue to live or exist in spite of (an accident or ordeal) : he has survived several assassination attempts.
• [ trans. ] remain alive after the death of (a particular person) : he was survived by his wife and six children | [as adj. ] ( surviving) there were no surviving relatives.
• [ intrans. ] manage to keep going in difficult circumstances : she had to work day and night and survive on two hours sleep.
Therefore, we are survivors in life. We continued to live even after we went through the abuse. We are proof of that because we are still standing here today. We're still living our lives but we're allowing ourselves to heal from the pain so that we can move on and get a better life for ourselves. We've managed to keep going despite the hard times we experienced. I think that some still live in denial over the things that they have gone through. I think there are those who really don't want to own up to it and try to push it all aside, thinking it will just go away. Maybe it's because they don't want others to think less of them or they don't want to be judged. Maybe it's because they don't want to think about it and they just want it to go away. I was one of those who for a time in my life tried to block everything out and ignore the pain. I tried to deny what happened to me, but in the end, when I tried to run away from my problems, they only caught up with me. Your past is never going to go away. There will always be those memories that stick with you. You can never deny the truth about what you have gone through and where you have been in your life. The only way to overcome it is to take the right steps to begin to heal and get help. I also think that some people don't want to read other survivors' stories because they may not be ready for that yet and it could trigger them. They may not be at that point in their lives where they can handle reading what others have been through. Hey, it's not easy to read about someone else's pain because when you can relate to the person, you feel those memories come back and it's as if you feel the pain too since you can identify with what they have gone through. So some people may just not be ready for it. Then others may just be jealous that you are further along in your healing then they are in theirs. They may wish that they were as far along as you are in your journey when they see that you are able to speak out and break your silence. They probably wish they were at that point in their lives.
The thing is, that no matter what the reason is, there is never a good reason to tear someone else down and discourage them from speaking out and sharing their stories, or releasing their emotions and feelings through writing. We shouldn't be jealous of one another because we are all survivors who can identify with each other and relate to one another. No, every aspect of our lives are not going to be beautiful. We're not always going to be positive; we are going to have bad days. What really counts though is that we are getting out there, trying to make a difference and sharing our stories, not to get others to feel sorry for us, but to show them that they too can overcome the pain in their lives and that they too can rise above those ashes of their past. Just because one survivor is a little bit further along in their healing than another survivor is, it does not make that person more important or even better. We can't worry about what others say or think about us. We must focus on our own lives and where we are at in our own lives. Yes, we can learn from others who have been there and we can most certainly encourage each other as we continue to heal. We should never make other survivors feel inferior though or make them feel that they have to remain silent about what they have gone through. We've been trapped in silence long enough.
Let your wings heal. It takes time for your wings to heal. As you continue to advance in your healing, then test your wings to see how far you are able to fly. You don't want to rush anything in your healing; if you try to take on too much at one time, you'll find yourself crashing. Learn to fly again but learn at your own rate and don't try to race other survivors because it isn't about who can fly the fastest or the furthest in life. It's about you being able to get to that point in your life where you can fly again and where you can find yourself soaring high as you put distance between your past and your future. The choices that you make in your life are decisions that no one else can make for you. You have to make the ones that are right for you since you are the only one who knows what is best for you and what you can handle in your life. You may be thinking, is it worth it, getting out there and putting yourself out there when you speak out and share your story? I've thought the same thing before and in my heart, I know the answer. For me, it is worth it. It is worth it because I know that even though there are those who try to discourage me from reaching my dreams and gaining my full potential, there are more out there that I am able to help by talking about my past. To me it is worth it to get out there and share my story because I don't care about those who don't like me or who want to bring me down; I only care about those whose lives I am helping to save and am making a difference in by telling my story. Knowing that I can reach others with my story makes it all worth it. Let your wings heal and then when you are ready prepare for flight and fly high to find your destination in life.
In Our Shoes
If there's one thing that really gets me upset is when people who haven't gone through abuse sit there and judge others who have gone through it. Then you have the people who will say that one type of abuse is worse then another type when they are all very damaging. Every type of abuse has its own damaging affects and leave alot of emotional scars. I just hate when people will say that someone deserved to go through abuse and did something to deserve it. Nobody deserves to go through abuse and no one should have to suffer through it. Yet so many times I hear people tell abuse victims and survivors that they deserved to go through it and stuff like that. They treat victims and survivors as outsiders just because they have never gone through it so they don't understand what it's like to endure it. I think that if they would stop and put themselves in our shoes for a day then they would truly understand and see for themselves what we go through on a daily basis. They would experience the flashbacks, the haunting memories, the anxiety attacks, the self-infliction, and all the other damaging after-affects of abuse.
Growing up, I went through abuse as a child. I saw my dad abuse my mom all the time. I never realized exactly how my mom felt or what she went through during all those abusive and violent arguments they had. Of course, I was just a kid at the time but I knew it wasn't right how my dad treated me and my mom. It did make me upset back then when he would mistreat her and she ended up going into depression and cried alot. I knew my dad drove her to that point. The abuse I went through, I thought I somehow deserved and that I had brought it upon myself. It didn't help that my parents brainwashed me and told me that I was a bad kid. I went through most of my childhood hating the girl I was. I felt so ugly and so worthless inside. After I moved out of my house, I told myself that I would never allow a man to hurt me and treat me the way my father treated my mother. I was not going to be a victim like she was. Even though my parents told me I'd marry someone abusive, I didn't believe them. I thought I would fall in love with a wonderful man, get married, and live happily ever after. How wrong I was.
I got married in April of 2006. I had known my husband for about 3 years before we got married. It's true that I failed to tell him about the self-infliction problem I had in the past although he did know about the anxiety attacks. I even had a few anxiety attacks before we got married. I had overcome the self-infliction and had stopped for quite awhile. Well, the arguments that took place in my marriage resulted in alot of violence. I do blame myself for starting them. My husband would say something that I didn't like or do something I didn't like and rather then talking in a calm manner, I would explode. However, I did get to the point that I would walk away so things wouldn't get worse. He would put me down and bring up stuff from my past. It would make me so mad and I would end up lashing out even more. He even followed me when I walked away and continued to put me down. I endured alot of verbal and emotional abuse from him. There were times in the marriage where he would choke me, throw things at me, close me in a closet,hit me in the face, twist my arm, among other things. Every time I would say I was going to the police, he would come after me, saying that this wasn't him, that it wouldn't happen again, and that he wouldn't hurt me again. So I would give in and give him another chance. After every fight I would feel guilty about what happened and blame myself for it, that I would lock myself into the bathroom and begin self-inflicting. Let me just say right now to all the women and men out there, that nobody is worth being with when they drive you to the point you want to end your life and you end up hurting yourself because they place all the blame on you and as a result you think it's all your fault. If you are in a relationship or marriage where that happens, then get out. Don't put yourself in that situation. He would just watch me self-inflict though and even taped it. He never tried to get me any help. Instead I was told I was a freak and should be locked up.
Right before he left for Iraq (he's in the Air Force), I found out that he had been talking to his first love for a long time during our marriage. They broke up in 2004 but he told me he still had feelings for her. He said they were meant to be together and that he wanted to get back with her. He knew how I felt about him talking to her. She wrote me a note saying she respected our marriage and was never going to act on her feelings. She had other guys interested in her yet she chose to go after my husband. Had she truly respected the marriage, she would have backed off and not baited him with her words. She told him that the other guys didn't compare to him because she still had feelings for him. I don't care what anyone says, I blame both of them for this. He gave in to her, and she tempted him. He also said he couldn't stand being with someone from an abusive past and even labeled abuse victims and survivors. Even now, being over there in Iraq, he will write me emails and try to turn this all on me. The other night, he sent me some songs that were depressing when I was in a bad mood and then he sent me this one song that I absolutley hate and he knows I hate that type of music. Well, his response was it's been awhile. Ok, he was married to me for 9 months before he went over there. You don't just forget that quickly what type of music your spouse likes and dislikes. Obviously he never paid that much attention to me because his first love was always on his mind. Well needless to say we are getting a divorce although he says that he doesn't want me to leave and he wants to be with me. Yet, he turned around in the same conversation and said that I don't trust him so I must not love him. Well, it's hard to trust someone who betrays it and walks out on you for someone else. I now know what my mother went through with my father and how she felt every single day. I'm not going to stay with someone who abuses me. I don't even know how he's going to be when he gets back. I do know that I am moving on with my life.
I know all too well how painful abuse is and how damaging the effects are. I still find myself thinking about things I went through as a child and I still think about what my husband put me through. I start thinking about those things and it makes me mad because I know it wasn't my fault and that I didnt deserve that kind of treatment. That is why I hate when people sit there and tell us victims and survivors that we deserved it. We never asked for it and we never did anything to deserve the abuse. Yet we are treated as outcasts because of what we went through. We are mocked, ridiculed, put down because of ignorant people who don't understand what it's like to go through abuse. I just wish they would take the time to put themselves in our shoes. They would then see firsthand what the pain is like. We are not freaks at all. We are human beings just like everyone else; the only difference is that we have been forced to grow up faster and deal with more things in our lives. We have had to fight even harder to get where we are today in our lives. But we are not inferior to the rest who haven't gone through it. We are just as special and beautiful as they are. People don't stop to think what it would be like if they were in the same situation. Instead, they walk away and shun that which they do not understand. Rather then trying to understand it and put themselves in the person's position and situation, they act like they are better and treat the others like they are nothing.
I haven't been through everything in life, but as an abuse survivor who has survived child abuse and domestic violence, I do understand how damaging it is and the pain it leaves behind along with the emotional scars. I'm always here to listen and I will not judge anyone or put anyone down because I know that no one deserves to suffer abuse. It is not and never was your fault. I try to put myself in other people's shoes so that I can better understand what they went through or are going through. When I put myself in their shoes and in their place, it helps me to be able to encourage them and be there for them, helping them to fight through it. If only people would take that time to understand and be there for others, maybe there wouldn't be so many people going through depression and wanting to end their lives because they feel no one understands or cares. They know that if it happened to them, they would want someone to be there for them and reach out a hand to them. To really help someone out, it helps to put yourself in their shoes. Maybe one day people will quit letting ignorance blind them and open their eyes to see how abuse tears innocent lives apart and shatters hearts. It is my dream and goal to help stop the abuse that goes on. I'm never going to quit fighting in life to stop the abuse. I am very passionate about the subject. I am not going to quit using my voice to speak out about the abuse I went through and how harmful abuse is. Once a fighter and survivor, always a fighter and survivor. Don't give up on the fight to stop the abuse. Standing strong together and coming together as victims and survivors to use our voices to share our stories, we can make a huge difference and put a stop to all this.
Growing up, I went through abuse as a child. I saw my dad abuse my mom all the time. I never realized exactly how my mom felt or what she went through during all those abusive and violent arguments they had. Of course, I was just a kid at the time but I knew it wasn't right how my dad treated me and my mom. It did make me upset back then when he would mistreat her and she ended up going into depression and cried alot. I knew my dad drove her to that point. The abuse I went through, I thought I somehow deserved and that I had brought it upon myself. It didn't help that my parents brainwashed me and told me that I was a bad kid. I went through most of my childhood hating the girl I was. I felt so ugly and so worthless inside. After I moved out of my house, I told myself that I would never allow a man to hurt me and treat me the way my father treated my mother. I was not going to be a victim like she was. Even though my parents told me I'd marry someone abusive, I didn't believe them. I thought I would fall in love with a wonderful man, get married, and live happily ever after. How wrong I was.
I got married in April of 2006. I had known my husband for about 3 years before we got married. It's true that I failed to tell him about the self-infliction problem I had in the past although he did know about the anxiety attacks. I even had a few anxiety attacks before we got married. I had overcome the self-infliction and had stopped for quite awhile. Well, the arguments that took place in my marriage resulted in alot of violence. I do blame myself for starting them. My husband would say something that I didn't like or do something I didn't like and rather then talking in a calm manner, I would explode. However, I did get to the point that I would walk away so things wouldn't get worse. He would put me down and bring up stuff from my past. It would make me so mad and I would end up lashing out even more. He even followed me when I walked away and continued to put me down. I endured alot of verbal and emotional abuse from him. There were times in the marriage where he would choke me, throw things at me, close me in a closet,hit me in the face, twist my arm, among other things. Every time I would say I was going to the police, he would come after me, saying that this wasn't him, that it wouldn't happen again, and that he wouldn't hurt me again. So I would give in and give him another chance. After every fight I would feel guilty about what happened and blame myself for it, that I would lock myself into the bathroom and begin self-inflicting. Let me just say right now to all the women and men out there, that nobody is worth being with when they drive you to the point you want to end your life and you end up hurting yourself because they place all the blame on you and as a result you think it's all your fault. If you are in a relationship or marriage where that happens, then get out. Don't put yourself in that situation. He would just watch me self-inflict though and even taped it. He never tried to get me any help. Instead I was told I was a freak and should be locked up.
Right before he left for Iraq (he's in the Air Force), I found out that he had been talking to his first love for a long time during our marriage. They broke up in 2004 but he told me he still had feelings for her. He said they were meant to be together and that he wanted to get back with her. He knew how I felt about him talking to her. She wrote me a note saying she respected our marriage and was never going to act on her feelings. She had other guys interested in her yet she chose to go after my husband. Had she truly respected the marriage, she would have backed off and not baited him with her words. She told him that the other guys didn't compare to him because she still had feelings for him. I don't care what anyone says, I blame both of them for this. He gave in to her, and she tempted him. He also said he couldn't stand being with someone from an abusive past and even labeled abuse victims and survivors. Even now, being over there in Iraq, he will write me emails and try to turn this all on me. The other night, he sent me some songs that were depressing when I was in a bad mood and then he sent me this one song that I absolutley hate and he knows I hate that type of music. Well, his response was it's been awhile. Ok, he was married to me for 9 months before he went over there. You don't just forget that quickly what type of music your spouse likes and dislikes. Obviously he never paid that much attention to me because his first love was always on his mind. Well needless to say we are getting a divorce although he says that he doesn't want me to leave and he wants to be with me. Yet, he turned around in the same conversation and said that I don't trust him so I must not love him. Well, it's hard to trust someone who betrays it and walks out on you for someone else. I now know what my mother went through with my father and how she felt every single day. I'm not going to stay with someone who abuses me. I don't even know how he's going to be when he gets back. I do know that I am moving on with my life.
I know all too well how painful abuse is and how damaging the effects are. I still find myself thinking about things I went through as a child and I still think about what my husband put me through. I start thinking about those things and it makes me mad because I know it wasn't my fault and that I didnt deserve that kind of treatment. That is why I hate when people sit there and tell us victims and survivors that we deserved it. We never asked for it and we never did anything to deserve the abuse. Yet we are treated as outcasts because of what we went through. We are mocked, ridiculed, put down because of ignorant people who don't understand what it's like to go through abuse. I just wish they would take the time to put themselves in our shoes. They would then see firsthand what the pain is like. We are not freaks at all. We are human beings just like everyone else; the only difference is that we have been forced to grow up faster and deal with more things in our lives. We have had to fight even harder to get where we are today in our lives. But we are not inferior to the rest who haven't gone through it. We are just as special and beautiful as they are. People don't stop to think what it would be like if they were in the same situation. Instead, they walk away and shun that which they do not understand. Rather then trying to understand it and put themselves in the person's position and situation, they act like they are better and treat the others like they are nothing.
I haven't been through everything in life, but as an abuse survivor who has survived child abuse and domestic violence, I do understand how damaging it is and the pain it leaves behind along with the emotional scars. I'm always here to listen and I will not judge anyone or put anyone down because I know that no one deserves to suffer abuse. It is not and never was your fault. I try to put myself in other people's shoes so that I can better understand what they went through or are going through. When I put myself in their shoes and in their place, it helps me to be able to encourage them and be there for them, helping them to fight through it. If only people would take that time to understand and be there for others, maybe there wouldn't be so many people going through depression and wanting to end their lives because they feel no one understands or cares. They know that if it happened to them, they would want someone to be there for them and reach out a hand to them. To really help someone out, it helps to put yourself in their shoes. Maybe one day people will quit letting ignorance blind them and open their eyes to see how abuse tears innocent lives apart and shatters hearts. It is my dream and goal to help stop the abuse that goes on. I'm never going to quit fighting in life to stop the abuse. I am very passionate about the subject. I am not going to quit using my voice to speak out about the abuse I went through and how harmful abuse is. Once a fighter and survivor, always a fighter and survivor. Don't give up on the fight to stop the abuse. Standing strong together and coming together as victims and survivors to use our voices to share our stories, we can make a huge difference and put a stop to all this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
