Being A Voice For Others

If I thought that being a victim of abuse was tough enough with all the struggles I faced and feeling trapped and alone, I never imagined that speaking out would bring it's own difficulties as well. Not that I regret breaking my silence and sharing my story with others because I don't. When I was younger, it was always my dream to one day be a writer and share my experiences with those who have gone through abuse and haven't had a chance to be heard. I've been told that I do not sugarcoat things when I write which is true. I tend to be straightforward and honest when it comes to exposing the truth and shedding light on the truth about the effects of abuse. I don't believe in sugarcoating things or saying what other people want to hear because honestly, what good does that do? Sugarcoating things gets nowhere when spreading awareness. I believe in order for people to understand and see the dangers of abuse and how damaging it is, then we have to be straightforward and blunt when sharing our stories. Otherwise, the truth will always be covered up and people will never see through society's lies and attempts to cover up the truth about abuse.

As a friend of mine recently said, when it comes to abuse, there is a certain stigma that comes with it. I used to wonder why so many survivors had a hard time sharing their story and speaking out about their experiences. But the more I talk to other survivors, I know why they hesitate to speak out. It is true that when people hear the word "abuse" or if they know that you are an abuse survivor, they begin to form their own opinions and assumptions about what you went through, even though they were never there. People start feeling sorry for you because of what you went through or they shun you for it, putting in their two cents without really listening to what you have to say. When it comes to my story, I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want people to be happy for me that I survived the abuse and have lived to tell about it so I can help other victims and survivors out there. As far as people judging me and misunderstanding things I say, well, we must remember that when speaking out and writing our stories, there will be those who only see what they want to see and pick out pieces of our stories that they want to focus on and point out things because I guess it makes them feel better and gives them this sense of knowing all when they put in their two cents without really reading what you have to say or hearing what you have to say. Yes, I have had people hear my story or read it and only focus on one thing in the entire story. They are so keen on telling me I should do this or I should do that so they miss the whole message and point to what I am sharing.

I have been told over and over again that when I speak out and share my experiences, I am explaining myself to others and that I shouldn't have to explain myself to anyone. When sharing our stories, I don't believe or even see it as we survivors are explaining ourselves to anyone. Let's just say we were explaining ourselves. That's one of the effects left from abuse. For some of us survivors, we have this habit of attempting to explain ourselves because for one we were never heard when we were going through the abuse and two, we had to explain ourselves to our abusers to cover up things in the hopes that we would not go through another beating or more abuse. When I was growing up, I used to lie about things when my father would interrogate me because I thought it was better to hide things and cover it up instead of having to deal with his anger being taken out on me. I lied to protect myself from being abused further. So the whole explaining ourselves thing is quite normal and natural to do because of what we went through and how we had to watch out for ourselves and figure out ways to stop the abuse from coming again, even if it was just for a short while. Yet when people say that I shouldn't have to explain myself, I don't see it that I'm explaining myself. I live a life free from abuse, I know that I am a grown woman and can live the life that I want, but I share my story to show others what I have gone through and to help others know they are not alone in what they face. If people see that as explaining myself then clearly they are missing out on the message I am sending out.

You see, people need to stop fixating on certain things about a person's past life. It is in the past and because we didn't have a chance to speak out before, now that we have shattered our silence, we have a lot to say. There is nothing wrong with releasing your emotions and feelings and getting them out there. Although we survived the abuse, that doesn't mean that things are all better and it's all glimmer and glam from now on. Far from it. Being a survivor still requires us to still face challenges and obstacles in our own lives. Though the past is over and done with, the memories are far from being over with. We will always carry those memories and we'll never forget what we went through since that part of our lives is our history and our history is forever part of us. However, the way we deal with how we heal is up to us and no one can tell us how to heal. No one can tell us what is right or wrong when it comes to healing because there is no right and no wrong way to heal. It's our personal choice what we do to begin to allow ourselves to heal from the past. But no one can make that decision for us.

Time and time again, I've heard people say well you need to speak out or you need to forgive or you need to move on. There are various phrases I've heard survivors tell each other and I too have been told these things. However, the choices to speak out and forgive takes time and a person must do those things in their own time when it's right for them to do so. Forgiveness is not something that is easy to do when you've been put through so much hell from someone that you trusted, someone that should have protected you from harm, someone who should have been there to love and cherish you. When they betray your trust by hurting you and abusing you, you're not going to necessarily be ready to forgive them right away or at all for that matter. Forgiveness is a personal choice and people should not preach at others to forgive, forgive and forgive. I have a problem with those survivors who force their opinions on others like that. It's one thing to offer advice and encourage a fellow survivor but it's another thing to force your views and opinions down their throat where you come across as condemning and judging them. The more that you try to force your views on someone, the more you will drive them away. We must remember that while the experiences we went through are similar, our situations were all different and thus the way we heal will be different too. No one lives exactly the same life as someone else. There may be similarities in stories and what people have gone through, but the memories that people carry with them are not the same at all for all our stories are different since none of us are the same.

When choosing to be a voice for others, you need to make sure you are ready to do so. I can tell you firsthand that since speaking out, I have been judged quite a few times and torn into for my beliefs. I don't expect people to agree with me on what I write as it is based on personal opinions and beliefs. No one should tear someone else down when they are sharing their story. I think sometimes people forget that we are all working towards the same goal which is making a difference and change in this world and putting a stop to abuse. If people continue to make it a competition instead of working together, then so many lives will continue to be trapped in silence and shattered. Why? Because people are too busy judging each other, competing with each other and fighting with one another when they should be out there fighting side by side to help those in need. To save a life and to make a difference, it starts with listening without judging. I was told before that some things are better left unsaid and that it's better to be quiet about things; otherwise, things get twisted around with all the information someone puts out there. You know, I disagree with that and I'll tell you why I disagree with it. People choose on their own to twist facts around. They take the information that they read and they make the decision to turn it around. It isn't about too much information being put out there at once. It's about how someone reads something and how they choose to absorb it and take it in. People view things differently but when it comes to spreading rumors and taking things out of context, well people do that on their own because they don't read the whole thing or hear the whole story and only fixate on certain points and pieces of it. Some have nothing better to do than seek out the flaws and imperfections in someone else's story and attempt to build themselves up by saying what they do or even telling the person, well be like so and so and do what they do. Oh no, you have no right to tell someone else to be like someone else! Just because so and so handled it a certain way does not mean that another person will handle it the same way. I don't tell people how to live their lives or even what to do when it comes to healing because I'm in no position to tell them what is best for them. They have to make the decision for themselves and choose the methods of healing that are best for them on their own because they are the only ones who know themselves and what they need in life. I can offer suggestions and share what I've done. However, the things that work for me won't necessarily work for someone else. What works for someone else may not work for me. That is why we cannot sit there and tell people how to live their lives. We should be focusing on our own lives and doing what we can to help others, without being judgmental and without forcing our views down other people's throats.

Not everyone is ready to speak out and share their story with the world. That is fine and it doesn't make you less of a person or weak or anything like that. It just means that you have not reached that point yet in your life where you are comfortable with telling your story to everyone. We're all at different stages in our lives but how far someone has made it in their healing journey should never be used as a comparison in order to act superior to those who are not quite as far as you are. For those of us who are ready to speak out, I will say it takes courage to make the decision to be a voice for others. You are going to open yourself to so much judgment and criticism from the outside world and even from other survivors. You are putting yourself out there so make sure you are prepared to handle the new challenges that are thrown your way. One thing I have had to learn is not to take things so personally and not take them so much to heart either. The best way to deal with accusations or assumptions thrown at you is to really look at what the person is saying. I have found that sometimes people lash out because they are hurting and it's the only way they know how to try to get help. They don't always mean to lash out or attack so instead of just replying back right away and saying something back, try to look at where they are coming from. Take a step back and look on the inside. I've had to read things two times, three times, etc. to really understand what someone is saying to me. Remember, people are still hurting and grieving over what they went through and lashing out is one way that people cry out for help.

Also when speaking out and being a voice for others, it takes a heart filled with compassion and understanding. I admit that sometimes it's not always easy for me to deal with people's anger being directed towards me. People want me to have all the answers when I don't and they expect me to always reply back to them right away. So you will have to deal with working under pressure because trust me, you're going to get people coming to you, wanting you to have answers to solve their problems and you'll have to be able to handle it and be patient. Don't feel bad that you don't have all the answers. No one holds all the answers to everything in life. You have to balance your time in dealing with things in your own personal life and in helping others in their time of need. But don't put your life on hold because it is important that you take care of you first. If you have to take a break and take a step back it is okay. It takes courage to speak out and stand up for what you believe in when you have others trying to bring you down, putting in their two cents, misunderstanding things you say, demanding your time and attention, twisting facts around on you, judging and condemning you, telling you how you should live your life, acting superior and trying to make you feel inferior with the work they are doing, competing with you in helping others, and these are just a few things to expect when speaking out and being a voice for others.

I deal with these things all the time but you know what, the work I do I would never trade in for anything else in the world. It does take courage to share your story and let your voice be heard in a world where abuse is ignored by society and ignorance blinds people to the truth. The truth can never be exposed though if we remain silent. Silence is not always a good thing. Silence can hurt us even more. What this world needs is people who have that courage and are not afraid to step up and stand up for the truth. Like it or not, we are all in this together so we should be helping one another out and working together. "United we stand, divided we fall." We need to be willing to unite together to make a change for the better and reach out to those lost. We need to unite together to speak out and serve as a voice for those who have gone unheard so that others may see the truth about what goes on in the lives of abuse victims and survivors; so they can see the battles we have to fight daily. One person can speak out and be heard, but the voices of many speaking out together provide even more strength. We know what it's like to have lived in silence and never been heard. Now is our time to speak out and speak on behalf of all survivors and victims out there so we can get for them the justice they deserve to have. Together our voices can come together, becoming one really loud voice that nobody can fail to hear. Being a voice for others is a decision that takes courage, but I believe that as survivors we all have that strength and courage inside us all ready. So let's use that courage and strength to rescue those in darkness and prevent more lives from being shattered apart by abuse.

Turning The Page

Turning The Page by Jenna Kandyce Linch

My life has been filled with many a surprise
For so long I've had to separate truth from lies.
The road in life I'm traveling is long
Many lessons I learned from things gone wrong.

Along the way, I struggled with the past
The years of my life seemed to pass by fast.
Looking back, some parts I don't understand
I guess I'll never know why by my family I was banned.

The person I turned out to be wasn't what they had in mind
Answers to unasked questions I'm tired of trying to find.
It wasn't my fault they couldn't accept me for me
But if I stayed, I would never be free.

I adjusted to the life of an exile
While they continue living in denial.
They'll never own up to the mistakes they made
More then enough for their actions I paid.

I tried to go back and make things right
For the family to stay together, they chose not to fight.
So from this one I had to walk away
As far as I'm concerned there are no words left to say.

Even friends left me behind
Taking advantage of me, they left me in a bind.
Their promises of always being there they broke
To them, I was nothing more then a joke.

Later on my marriage even failed
For another woman on me my husband bailed.
Apparently to him marriage vows weren't sacred
Otherwise he wouldn't have done what he did.

So my life hasn't exactly gone the way I thought
To survive all the pain and abuse I fought.
All the drama in my life I've decided to forsake
Not much more of this stress can I take.

I cannot go back and change what happened
The only thing I can do is move on, allowing my heart to mend.
That chapter of my life is over
So why waste time thinking about how things were.

True those chapters I can't edit
On the shelf though my life story doesn't have to sit.
The beginning of the story won't ever be revised
But the ending waiting to be written will leave us surprised.

In our lives we are the only ones who can write the story
From our perspective of things nobody else is able to see.
Each of our stories protray something different
Because through different trials we've been sent.

Our story may start out rough
But if we continue to write it, people will see we're tough.
The second part holds an ending that they don't know
As they read of our survival, our strength will show.

What didn't kill us made us stronger
That is why we are able to last longer.
Just because life hasn't gone how we planned doesn't mean we throw it out
If we quit, then we'll never know what the sequel is about.

A happy ending we might thing won't be met
WE don't know that it doesn't exist because we haven't written that book yet.
The only way to find out is to keep on living
Taking new opportunities that life is giving.

Our stories are not yet complete
The happy ending we still need to meet.
Stories of our lives we'll work on as new lessons we learn
For now, new chapters wait to be written as the page we turn.


'Turning The Page' Copyright © Jenna Kandyce Linch

Waiting To Be Written

Waiting To Be Written by Jenna Kandyce Linch

Sometimes we find ourselves walking through life in a trance
Thinking that gone is our opportunity to have another chance.
Our reflections stare back at us as if to say is this really me
Since we hide so many things, the real us no one gets to see.

We're constantly told to suck it up and be tough
Of hearing about letting go and forgetting we've had enough.
Imprinted on our minds are memories of hell we managed to survive
Doesn't anyone see that we're fortunate we made it out alive?

Yet each day our feelings we mask
The automatic response we give is we're fine when they ask.
Judging us if they knew the truth is what we fear
What's wrong with you is something we just don't want to hear.

Standing of life's stage, we feel we're only part of an act
Often performing fiction that hides so much fact.
Most of the scenes never change for they're stuck on repeat
As we flip through the script, different roles we meet.

When the show's over, we bow in response to the audience's applause
The curtain falls and we wish we could put everything on pause.
Nobody knows about the backstage life we lead
How from this life of pain we want to be freed.

Yet by society it seems our lives are dictated
If we don't abide by their rules, then we're left out and not counted.
Our true identity they try to steal
No wonder we question what in our lives is real.

Just to be ourselves is a battle we daily fight
Brainwashed and blinded by lies, whatever they're told people recite.
We're taught to hide emotions like we're not allowed to feel
That's why many horrifying secrets no one will reveal.

People focus on themselves, hoping to gain acceptance
They fail to notice those hurting who live in silence.
Long after the abuse is over, we survivors suffer from the scars
Sadly nobody wants to hear about or acknowledge our memoirs.

Our lives we shouldn't have to live in fear
It's ok to release and let go, shedding more then one tear.
We endure more pain when the truth we hide
For no matter if we keep silent or speak out, what happened can never be denied.

Ignoring what others say, our own paths we must follow
Out there waiting is always an open window.
The journey at times will be rough but we must not be discouraged
In time we shall find healing for the parts of us that have been damaged.

We may be nothing more then broken in society's eyes
But our lives we're out to revise.
The future they say belong to those who believe
Well, by uniting and standing together, we've seen the great things we achieve.

Life always offers us another chance
Being positive and open-minded we just need to learn the steps to a new dance.
Let them talk, saying to nothing will we ever amount
Since when did their opinions of us start to count?

We are who we are and that's something they can't be
They'll never possess our inner beauty.
Standing on our own feet, from them we are independent
No more can they restrain us, keeping us silent.

We walk off the stage of their play
The script they wrote for us we throw away.
Now the authors of our own lives, we're writing fact not fiction
Setting out in a different direction, we have a new script waiting to be written.


'Waiting To Be Written' Copyright © Jenna Kandyce Linch

Fight Your Own Battles Before Trying To Take On Someone Else's

How many times have you had people tell you that if someone is giving you a problem to let them know and they'll take care of it? It seems to me that there are those out there who have nothing better to do than stick their nose in other's business and stir up drama. Sadly, I have encountered those who have told me before that if people give me problems on here to send them their way and they'll put in their two cents and take care of it. My reaction is that to me that's an insult and putting me down. In my mind, when someone says that to me, they are saying in a round about way that I am not strong enough to handle things in my own life and fight my own battles. As a survivor who has been through so much all ready, I am not this weak person who doesn't know how to defend myself against those who try to bring me down. Yet, there are those out there, shockingly enough other survivors, who want to take on my battles for me.

Now, I am not saying that friends shouldn't be there for one another and support each other as they fight side by side in life. There's a difference though between fighting side by side with a fellow survivor and fighting their battles for them. A person cannot grow stronger or discover the true strength that lies within them if they have someone else always taking up for them and fighting their battles so they don't have to do it. If I was to send the people who are against me to those who want to fight my battles for me, I wouldn't know how to defend myself or stand up for myself. I would be taking the easy way out and running away from confrontation and challenges which is something I refuse to do. When you give your battles to someone else to let them fight them, you don't learn how to stand on your own two feet and defend yourself. The reputation you'll get is one of being someone who runs away from everything. Nothing gets resolved in life if we run away from the challenges we meet. To win those battles in life, you can't have someone fight them for you. You have to face them and fight them yourself. There's nothing wrong with having someone fighting by your side, but you need to be the one in control of fighting your own battles.

In the same way, people don't need to go jumping on someone else's bandwagon, thinking that the person can't handle those challenges in their lives. I know that it is in us survivors to help others out to make sure they don't go through what we did. Because we are compassionate, caring people who have a desire to save those lost souls out there that are trapped in darkness, we have that fighter mentality to us; we have that protective side to us that just wants to shelter them from harm and chase away those haunting memories and nightmares. It's natural for us to be this way after everything we have had to suffer and endure in our own lives. Yes, we do have this tendency to want to take on another person's battles and fight those battles for them because we never had anyone there to fight with us when we were living alone in silence. Since we had to fight on our own without any help, we look around us and we see or hear how other fellow survivors are being treated by others and our first reaction is to run to their defense. However, before we can try to help anyone else, we need to fight our own battles first. We need to make sure we resolve issues in our own lives before trying to just butt in and take over someone else's life. Don't take over someone else's life when you have your own issues to take care of and your own healing to do first.

So many times, people want to put their two cents in when it's not wanted or needed. They don't really look at the situation first and don't think through what someone else is saying when sharing their story. They just begin assuming that oh, I'm going through the same thing so I'm going to go ahead and tell them what I think they should do. First of all, no you are not going through the exact same thing and you do not know what they are really going through because you are not living their life or walking the exact same path they are. We go through similar situations and experiences in life, but we never go through the exact same things in life because we are all different and we all have different backgrounds. Don't tell someone else how to live their life when yours isn't where you want it to be yet. Work on your life first and overcoming the obstacles that you face before you even try to give advice or really help someone else out. You cannot really help someone else out until you confront your own issues and fight your own battles. How can you expect to sit there and tell someone else what to do when they can look at your life, see where you're at, and see that you have not taken care of your own self first? People can see right through others. No one wants to follow a leader or take advice from someone who doesn't have their own life in order. No one wants to listen to someone who gloats about their achievements and comes across as arrogant. The type of leader that people look to are the ones who are down to earth, can relate to them and are on their level and don't act superior. They want someone who doesn't always have to talk about what they have done or are doing but proves that they can make a change by taking the action to make things happen.

I happen to be in the writing field and one of the things that I notice a lot is that when someone writes a book, they want to brag about it. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be proud of writing your story out there for others to read because trust me, that is no easy thing to do. It takes a lot of courage to sit down and write your story out. The thing is that everyone these days is writing a book. Excuse me for being blunt, but what is the point in sitting there bragging about how great your book is and having your story out there when others are working on their own stories to help others out? Is this a competition because if it is, you are not writing your story for the right reason. Just like I have seen organizations out there that act like they are doing everything and no one else is doing anything to help others. Well, I can think of countless organizations out there who are helping others that you don't even hear about but they are working behind the scenes to make a change. The ones that have to act like they are the only ones are the ones who are not in this for the right reasons. Don't act like you are the only one making a difference and doing it all when there are others out there fighting for the same causes and sacrificing to save others. I have news for you, you are not the only one who wants to see change in this world. You are not the only one who wants to help others. People wonder why nothing gets resolved or taken care of? Well, when everyone else is out for themselves, copying off and stealing ideas from one another, and thinking only about what they can get out of it, then nothing ever happens to help those in need.

We want to help others but yet we can't even focus on our lives first and get where we need to be. If you can't take the steps to heal from your own scars, how are you going to be effective in helping others heal from their wounds? I'm sure we all know of people or can think of people who act as if they have been through everything when in fact, no one has been through everything in life. You know, those who think they are the only ones who have been through abuse and think they have all the answers as well as the insight to tell other victims and survivors how to live. "I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor" is a quote that is used a lot. Okay, so you're not a victim and yes you have survived trauma in your life, but the question is, now that you are a survivor, what are you doing to take the steps necessary to heal from the past? What are you doing to take care of yourself and get where you want to be? We get caught up on wanting to do this or do that when we see others doing things to help others but sometimes we have to step back and think about what we are really ready to take on. I have been guilty before of taking on things that I just wasn't ready for. There's nothing wrong with taking a step back and taking a break to get things done in your own life. You see, people have this idea that it's about who has the biggest name or who does the most work or who has the most followers. That is not what this is all about. It's about who's heart is in the right place, who's doing it for the right reasons, who is at a place in their own lives where they can be effective in reaching out because they've allowed themselves to really heal. There are no points in making a difference. Honestly, I am the type that I don't care what someone has achieved in their life or which organizations have big names sponsoring them because that's not what I look for. I want to know that the person or organization has depth to them and that they are real and not expecting anything in return because they give out of the goodness of their heart. I'm more likely to help people and organizations out who are humble, down to earth, and real then the ones who just have this "look at me, look what I'm doing" attitude.

People wonder why I don't talk about the writing I do or mention the books I have out? It's because I choose passion over glory. I choose to write to help others and because I love it. I'm not out to profit from helping others. The real reward for me comes from knowing I've had a small part to play in making a difference in someone else's life. Imagine knowing and seeing how you have helped someone get back on the right track and how you've helped them overcome things they were facing. Imagine knowing that you didn't have to put yourself out there for others to notice your work but imagine people finding your work on their own and being touched by it without you going out there and telling them, oh this is what I did and I've done this and that. If you have to promote your work to the extent that you come across as forcing or pressuring someone to read it, you're not going to have much luck with reaching others. But if they discover your work and get interested in it on their own, then they are going to be more touched by what you are doing without you even having to say a word about it. To me that's what inspires and motivates me even more to continue to write because I don't feel that it's a competition. I know I'm not the only author out there and I also know there are better writers out there than me as well as writers out there who are up and coming that are very talented. The thing is that when we all work together, when we maintain a humble attitude, we get more accomplished together than we do on our own.

Don't be the type of person that has to have glory to be motivated to continue on. Yes, praise and compliments are nice to hear. However, don't lose sight on the true meaning of life and what it means to really help someone out there. Be more concerned about saving someone to ensure they don't have to live a life of abuse than worrying about how much praise you get for the work you do. Before you do all this though, before you get out there and take on helping others, make sure that you have arrived at a point in your own journey where you know you are ready to fight alongside someone else. It does no good to try to take something on when in your own life, you haven't fully recovered from certain things yet. As survivors, we are always going to be healing because well, the healing process never actually stops. There are, however, different healing stages in which we arrive at along the way. Make sure you are at a stage in which you know without a shadow of a doubt you can be effective when it comes to making a difference and helping someone fight their battles. Helping them fight their battles, not fighting the battles for them. It's one thing to help someone and it's another to take over their life and try to gain control.

I know that it's not always easy to get help for what we've been through. I know that sometimes when we do try to reach out for help, we don't get it. That doesn't mean though that help is impossible and that we won't ever get help. I believe that if we keep an open mind and allow ourselves to heal, that we can find the help we need. Yes, there are times that we have to do things to help ourselves get to where we want to be to start healing and we can't always rely on someone to be there for us, but there's no shame in going to someone and telling them you need help. If they don't do anything for you and don't listen to you, then that's on them, at least you know you tried. Don't give up, though and also don't tell other survivors and victims who are healing that help will never be found and that it's impossible because you only discourage them and make it where they won't ever want to talk about what they've gone through. If they hear that there's no help to be found, they will start losing hope and faith in life and when someone loses hope and faith in life, then they begin to give up all together. So encourage other survivors and victims by sharing your story to show them that they can make it through and have a chance at a life free from abuse. Show them that it is possible to rise above the ashes of the past and to rebuild their life. Sometimes, we will have to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves because yes, there are those who aren't able to fight for themselves such as innocent children who are being abused. We need to be the voice for those who are not ready to speak out or cannot speak out yet. When it comes to survivors, though, who are working on healing and are away from the abusive situation, do not fight their battles for them. Fight with them but don't take away their right to fight for themselves and stand up for themselves.

Myths About Abuse and Abuse Survivors

I came up with my own list of myths that people believe about abuse and abuse survivors. The more I write about the things I've gone through in my own life and the more I write poetry which is my way of healing, the more I begin to see that society really is in the dark about what goes on in the lives of those who have been abused. I have heard many different assumptions that are not even true. So I wanted to take the time to make up a list and try to dispel some of these myths I've heard about. Maybe this way, those who have not been abused will understand more about what we abuse survivors go through.



Myth #1 Since the abuse happened long ago, survivors should be able to just forget about it for good and not have memories.


Well, it doesn't matter how long ago the abuse happened. Abuse leaves behind memories that stick with us for a lifetime. It's not something that we can just block out whenever we want to and completely forget about the traumatic events we went through in our lives. We faced some pretty dark times and endured so much pain. It's not that we want to remember what we went through and remember those horrible times, but those memories do replay themselves because it's a part of our past which makes up our history. The best way to block out memories or not think about them as much is to hold onto the good memories we have in our lives and focus on those.


Myth #2 Emotional abuse is the worst kind of abuse there is.

I know that words are very powerful and can hurt someone, leaving wounds. However, when it comes to the different types of abuse, you cannot compare them. All forms of abuse have damaging after effects. Everyone who has gone through abuse, whatever type it may be, feels pain from it. I have been through physical, psychological, and emotional abuse in my life and I can tell you that they all leave damaging after effects. If someone has only been through one type of abuse, then how can they possibly say that it is worse than another form of abuse when they haven't gone through it? The forms of abuse are not comparable. Abuse is abuse and it all brings pain with it.


Myth #3 Women who have been abused before in relationships or their childhood tend to go out looking to enter relationships with abusive men on purpose.

This one I have a problem with. Women who have gone through domestic violence or have been abused in their childhoods do not go out looking for abusive relationships intentionally. Although we know the signs to look for in a person, that does not mean that the signs are there where we can see them right away. Not all abusers show their true colors right away. Most of the time, they put up a front and hide that side that they have. They won't show their abusive traits right away because that would drive the person away and they want to gain the person's trust first. Why would women want to enter an abusive relationship on purpose when they know what it's like to go through abuse and how much it hurts? We all want to be loved and cherished. It's not like we women survivors go out saying, hmm, is this guy abusive because if so I would love to enter a relationship where I get beat all the time and feel pain all the time. If anything, we women who have been in abusive relationships or been abused in our childhoods are more cautious when it comes to dating again. I know I am.



Myth #4 Since childhood is only a small portion of our lives, those who went through child abuse should be over it completely when they reach adulthood.

Okay childhood sets the way for our adulthood. It's the stepping stone to our adulthood. What happens in our childhood does affect us. I think childhood is very important and not only a small portion of our lives because no portion of our lives is considered to be small. Child abuse casts a shadow of a lifetime and even when we become adults, we don't forget what we went through as kids. We were forced to grow up faster than other kids so if anything, we were the ones who did not get to enjoy being a kid and we're the ones who didn't have a happy childhood. Even now as an adult, I still have flashbacks of things I suffered as a kid. We're all healing from our past but that doesn't mean that when we are adults, we just get over what we went through as kids. Sometimes, we carry things into our adulthoods that took place in our childhood. So no, even though we went through abuse as kids does not mean we are going to be completely over it by the time we reach adulthood.


Myth #5 Survivors who have been through more abuse and pain in their lives have a more important story to tell.

This is not true. Every story deserves to be told and every voice deserves to be heard. We all have stories to tell and just because someone else may have gone through more than we have, the fact remains that every story is important. Just like you can't compare the forms of abuse, you cannot compare survivor stories. We all come from different backgrounds and not one of us has gone through exactly the same thing someone else has. I know it's easy for survivors to compare their stories and think, well, this person had it so much worse than I did so my story is definitely not as important. There are people who have had it worse than me but that doesn't keep me from sharing my story with others. No matter where you have been in your life or what you have gone through, your story does matter. We as survivors need to quit comparing stories and realize that when we share our stories with each other, we can actually learn from one another. This is not a competition and should not be treated as one. The more we sit there and compare stories, the more time we waste when we could be out there helping to save those who are still trapped in silence and are having their lives shattered apart by abuse going on. When you share your story with someone else, you never know whose life you are making a difference in and whose heart you are touching with your story. You could help someone by telling your story without even knowing it. So never think that your story is less important than someone else's. Survivors have gone through different situations and so the pain that we feel is not the same at all. It all effected us in different ways and when we were suffering abuse, we were not thinking at the time who had it worse than us since for us, we were only focused on the pain we were going through.


Myth #6 Older survivors know more than younger survivors and have more wisdom.

No age has nothing to do with it! I am so tired of some of these older survivors thinking they know everything and have all the answers to everything just because they have lived longer. I have met some very smart, intelligent young survivors who act more mature than some of the older ones. Yes, older survivors have lived longer, but that doesn't mean they have the answers to everything. The young people who have gone through abuse have been greatly affected by it too. Again, it all comes down to we all learn from each other no matter what our age is. Leaders come in different ages. But what makes a great leader is their character. It's not really about age as much as it is about maturity. No one holds all the answers to everything. Older survivors can set the way for younger survivors but it doesn't help when people act superior. Wisdom has no age to it; it can be found in any age. A lot of people say that for 23, I tend to be wise beyond my years. So see, if we seek it, wisdom can come to us at any age, regardless of how long we've been around, and also, you can be any age to make a difference in this world. We should not act like we are better than others because of how long we have lived or how much we have gone through. Older survivors can help the younger survivors so that they can lead the next generation. If we all just work together, then things fall into place. It's teamwork and survivors should not let differences in age divide them from carrying out the work that needs to be done in helping other victims and survivors.


Myth #7 Those who self inflict never get over it and don't understand why they do it.


I was a self inflictor for nearly 11 years. I knew why I did it. In fact, most people I have talked to who have self inflicted say that they do know why they do it. For me, it was to rid myself of the emotional pain I felt. I wanted to feel physical pain to keep my mind off the emotional pain. So some self inflictors do understand why they do it. As far as not ever getting over it, it took me years to overcome it and yes I admit, I still have urges sometimes to self inflict. For those who self inflict and are trying to overcome it and break the habit, know that habits are hard to break and it takes a lot of work. You are not a bad person if you slip up. When I started to break my self infliction habit, I had those times where I did slip up. I would go for months or days without doing it and then find myself backsliding and cutting again. It takes a lot of hard work and effort to break the habit but it is possible. If alcoholics can break their drinking habit and stop getting drunk all the time and drug addicts can stop taking drugs and get cleaned up, then I know that self inflictors are able to stop cutting. It just takes a lot of hard work and determination is all.


Myth #8 Abuse only affects the one going through it and no one else.

When we think of abuse, we think of only the victim who is going through it at the time and how much it hurts them. Yes, the victim is the one who is feeling the pain directly and is left with the damaging after effects and emotional scars left behind. However, for those who know someone who has been abused, it does affect them too. My brother didn't suffer physical abuse when we were growing up, but when he witnessed the way my dad treated me and my mom all the time, it did affect him. It hurt him to see my father put us through that. When we care about someone and love them, it always hurts us to think about the pain they suffered and it hurts us to see them go through it, too. So even though you may not have been abused, you felt the pain when you heard about it or watched the person you love and care about go through it. So abuse not only affects the victim, but it affects others involved in the victim's and survivor's life. But it does help to be there for the person and let them know you understand and listen to them when they come to you to talk about what they went through. Survivors get judged a lot so it's good for them to know there are those who won't judge them and will listen to them when they need to release those feelings. Encourage them as they heal; don't make fun of them or question their stories. Encourage them to keep talking about it.


Myth #9 When survivors write poetry or write blogs about their personal life and the experiences they went through, it means that they have not forgiven those who hurt them.

This is one that people love to assume about me when I write poetry since my poems are based on what I went through in my past. They love to write me after reading my work making remarks such as "maybe one day you will learn to forgive, or maybe one day you will fully forgive those who hurt you." While everyone may not forgive their abusers, it doesn't mean that those who write poetry and blogs about their experiences haven't forgiven them. I have forgiven my abusers. I don't harbor hate and bitterness in my heart towards them. If I did, I wouldn't be able to do the work that I do in reaching out to victims and survivors. I think forgiveness like healing is something that comes in your own time. You can't rush it. You have to do it when you are ready to do so. Writing is therapy for survivors and it helps to release those locked up emotions and feelings that have been locked away. Our writing doesn't necessarily say whether or not we have forgiven our abusers and as far as forgiving, well, no one can force anyone to forgive someone else; that is their own personal choice that they must make for themselves.



Myth #10 Counseling does not help survivors at all.

I know that some people are against counseling. But every survivor has a different method for healing. What works for some may not work for others. When it comes to healing, we must find our own way to heal in our lives and see what works best for us. I have never really been to counseling because I was forced to see psychologists when I was a kid due to my parents telling me everything was my fault and that I was a bad kid. I prefer to talk to friends or write about what I am feeling. I have heard different stories about counseling from my survivor friends. For some it has helped them, and for others it hasn't. I think that counseling really depends on the person. I would never discourage someone from seeking counseling because I think that it helps to have a neutral person to talk to, someone who won't judge you on what you have gone through but will just listen. I think it also depends on finding the right counselor as well and finding one that you are comfortable with. Just because counseling is not the method I use in my journey of healing doesn't mean that I am against it.


Myth #11 Those who were abused did something to deserve it.

No one deserves to go through abuse. I have been told before that I must have done something to deserve the abuse I went through from my father. Our abusers take their anger out on us because they never got help for issues they had in their own lives. My father had issues in his past that he never received help for and I don't think he ever acknowledged them either. For him it was easier to blame me and take his anger out on me. I know it was never my fault though and that I did nothing wrong. Those who get abused do not ask for it and do not do anything to deserve it.


Myth #12 It's better to just walk away and not intervene when seeing someone being abused or knowing someone who is being abused.


Some people don't want to get involved because they think it is not their place. However, if you know or see someone who is being abused, the best thing to do is to intervene and get them help. Scope the situation out first to see how dangerous it is and then find the right way to get help for the person which won't endanger their life. Some situations you cannot just rush into or it could endanger the person's life. So you have to be smart about how to deal with it and the proper way to get help. I once watched an episode of Oprah where this lady was talking about the abuse her husband put her through. She told her boss, but her boss had to be very careful about getting the lady help since the husband beat his wife when he found out his wife had gone to the boss. The boss gave the woman tips and told her to document everything and she as well documented everything so that when the time was right, they could go to the police and turn all of it over. Don't walk away though because a person's life may depend on you and you getting them help. It is your business and your place to get help for someone you know who is getting abused. If you turn your back on them, then they will continue to be imprisoned by the nightmares and silence. The best thing you can do is intervene because by intervening and seeking help for them, you can end up saving their life.






There are many more myths to abuse but this is just a start. These are the most common ones I hear so I wanted to write them down and share them with others. I don't expect people to agree with me on any of them as these are just based on my opinions and things I have heard and seen.


'Myths About Abuse and Abuse Survivors' Copyright © Jenna Kandyce Linch

More About Me and What I Do

So I thought I'd just post some facts about me so that people can know a little bit more about the work I do and what I'm about.

Birthplace: San Diego, California (Navy Brat)

Date of birth: May 29, 1985

States I've Lived In: California, Arkansas, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Texas, Georgia, South Carolina, and Florida

Countries I've Visited: Germany, France (Paris), and England (London)

Survivor of: Child abuse (lasted until I was 17 and moved out), Domestic Violence (after 9 months of being in an abusive marriage, I left, well technically he was the one who came to me saying he had found someone else and that he was living a lie being with me and no longer loved me), Cerebral Palsy (I was diagnosed with CP when I was born and doctors said I'd never walk or talk but I turned out to be a miracle baby and with therapy and speech lessons when I was a little girl, I learned to walk and talk), I was also molested by a male doctor when I was younger and I'm just now realizing that things I went through with guy friends that I trusted could be considered sexual assault, and in the past, I did try to end my life through ODing and cutting

Education: I only have a high school diploma. I graduated when I was 16 because my parents took me out of the Christian school I was attending and made me complete my 10 through 12th grade years in 6 months' time because they wanted me out of the house. They sent me to Pensacola Christian College and I was only there for 1 semester because I couldn't afford the tuition though I was on the work study program there. It is my goal to go back to college eventually though I'm undecided in what I would major in. I know that people think that you have to have college in order to be smart and get far in life but that's not true. There are people out there doing just fine and getting far who never went to college. I think I'm doing fine for myself considering I don't have college.

Writing: I've had people ask me before if I took any classes to learn to write the way I do. No, I never really had any writing classes. It's just a gift I have that comes naturally to me. The key to my writing is that I write from my heart. The majority of my writing comes from my own personal experiences and observations of what goes on in life. There are those who think I should write more positive things but I believe that the truth about what goes on in the life of an abuse survivor and victim need to be told without sugarcoating it because to say that life is all positive, glitter and glam is not reality. Reality is that we go through struggles and battles everyday. Why sugarcoat the issues that go on when that will never tear the walls of ignorance down and will give people a false illusion of what happens in every day life? I don't believe in sugar coating things. I believe in keeping it real.

Becoming An Author: I never was planning on having any of my work published. I loved to write poetry, even though I hated memorizing poems in 9th grade. I didn't even like reading it, for that matter so its' kind of ironic that I write poetry. I only shared my poetry on a website I was a member of for a few years. But one of my friends encouraged me to publish my work and said it could help many out there. So in 2006, at the age of 21, my first book of poetry came out. I was surprised how many people have responded to my writing and how they tell me that it has helped them. I also like to write blogs that talk about and cover certain issues that we survivors and victims go through in life. My goal with my writing is to spread awareness and educate those who have never been abused as well as reach out to victims and survivors to let them know they are not alone in what they go through.

My Books: I currently have 4 books out. The two poetry ones I have out are From One Survivor To Another: Poetry For The Abuse Survivor's Heart and Taking My Life Back: Poems From The Healing Heart of an Abuse Survivor which was the first book I put out. The other two are blogs and poems mixed together and they are Heart and Soul of a Survivor and Still Standing Strong: Surviving The Storms of Abuse. Those books can be found on Amazon.com and through different bookstore websites such as Books A Million, Borders, Hastings, Barnes and Noble, etc. I don't really advertise my writing though because I'm not about what I can get out of helping others and not about profiting from it. For me, it's all about helping people overcome obstacles and heal more in their life journey. The greatest feeling to me is knowing that in some small way I can make a difference in the life of someone else. To me, it's not about competition, fame or popularity and I honestly can't stand when people make it that way. I think that some lose focus on what it's really about, it's not about you, it's about those you are helping.

Rising Above Magazine: In February/March of 2008, I came up with an idea to put out an Ezine to help survivors and victims and give them a voice and allow their stories to be heard. I realized that there weren't many magazines out there that were for survivors and victims of abuse. Writing is a very competitive world with so many authors and writers out there and since I got rejected by magazines and newspapers when I sent out resumes, I decided that I would just create my own. But that's not the only reason why I created and founded Rising Above. This Ezine is for victims and survivors and the mission is to cover topics that we face and challenges we go through as well as encouraging, motivating, and inspiring others so they know they are not alone. It helps to read what others have gone through because you can draw strength from it, knowing that hey, if this person went through all of that and survived, then so can I. Rising Above is non profit and the staff is a group of volunteer survivors who share the same passion of reaching out. I made the Ezines free to download because that way more people can read it and the magazine can reach even more. The official website is www.risingabovemagazine.com. At Rising Above, we believe that every story deserves to be told and every voice deserves to be heard. I have high hopes that this magazine can go far and touch many lives out there. I'm fortunate to be working with a great group that believes in the same mission that I do.

Future Goals I Have: Well, I want to become an inspirational and motivational speaker as well as continue to write. I am now working on books 5 and 6 as well as attempting to try my hand at writing a novel, something I have never done before. I want to also start my own shop that showcases the work of other survivors as well as my own work. Sometime in the distant future I would love to start a school for survivors and victims where they can be in an environment with others that can relate to them and understand without being judged for what they have gone through and where they can learn to keep rising above and overcoming obstacles as they continue to heal from the past.

My motivation and inspiration for what the work I do: Honestly my motivation and inspiration comes from knowing there are so many victims and survivors out there whose hearts are crying out for someone to listen to them. There are still so many trapped in darkness that need our help. I know what it's like to have to go through things alone because I was one of those kids that had to grow up too fast and I had to face challenges and struggles on my own. I never had anyone there to talk to about what was going on at home and I was threatened into silence. Now that I have broken my silence and now that I am free from the abuse, it's my passion to serve as a voice for those who have gone unheard. What happened to me I don't want to happen to others. Sadly, so many don't make it out alive and die at the hands of their abusers. I want the world to know what goes on because then maybe more will start helping and start caring instead of believing myths about survivors and victims. It's time to break down those walls of ignorance that keep the truth from being told. I encourage those survivors who are ready to speak out to let their voices be heard loud and clear. When we unite together and fight together, we can be a positive change in this world. It doesn't matter how old we are, we can make a difference and a change. Survivors and victims read our stories and they see us as role models and heroes because our stories of what we survived gives them hope and faith that they too can make it in life so they have something to hold onto.

My heroes and role models in life: Martin Luther King, Jr. and Mother Teresa, my survivor friends who have overcome obstacles and have risen above, and all those who are making a difference in this world as they relieve pain and suffering that goes on and give others hope and faith to hold on. A few people that I admire and respect for the work they are doing are Angelina Jolie (Goodwill Ambassador), Martina McBride (spokesperson for Domestic Violence hotline), Tori Amos (rape survivor and musician whose powerful music inspires victims and survivors), Mariska Hargitay (rape crisis counselor and founder and President of The Joyful Heart Foundation which aids victims of rape), Oprah Winfrey (she's done so much with the Giving Back campaign she started), Bono (One Campaign to relieve and help stop poverty), Nicole Kidman (speaks out on violence against women), my best friend Eddie who has taught so much and has shown me what it's like to really live again and has supported me in all my work

Favorite Music: I love to listen to bands and musicians that I can relate to. I tend to listen to positive music and it does play a part in my writing because I often listen to music when I write. The following are some of my favorite bands and musicians that I find to be very inspiring and motivating: Bon Jovi, Three Doors Down, One Republic, Mariah Carey, Martina McBride, Reba McEntire, Matchbox 20, Rob Thomas, Breaking Benjamin, Papa Roach, Phil Collins, Avril Lavigne, Pink, Linkin Park, Josh Groban, Goo Goo Dolls, Simple Plan, Gavin DeGraw, Rascal Flatts, Lifehouse, Celine Dion, Sarah McLachlan, 12 Stones, The Calling, Nickelback, Three Days Grace, Maroon 5, Kelly Clarkson, Jon McLaughlin, Good Charlotte, Savage Garden, Foo Fighters, Staind, Dido, Jewel, Kate Voegele, Evanescence, Hinder, Aerosmith, POD, Default, Tori Amos, Carrie Underwood, and many more

Thoughts on Being a Survivor: Being a survivor is an every day thing but it's nothing to be ashamed of. For a long time, I tried to block out what I had gone through and tried to run away from my history until I saw that I couldn't run away from something that is a part of me. As survivors, we don't dwell on the past, but we use our experiences to show the world what we are about and what we had to go through. Dwelling on the past is allowing our abusers to still control our lives and to not ever move forward in our healing process or do what we need to do in order to keep going. But we're speaking out and sharing our stories which is way different than dwelling in the past. Speaking out is the first step to healing and moving forward. Yes, when we speak out, we are going to have those who judge us and make assumptions as they try to analzye us but they're not the ones we need to be focusing on or concerned about. We should be focused on those who do need us. I don't regret what I do because I know I'm making a difference in this world. Would I ever change my past? Sure, I've thought about what it would be like if I could change it but in the end, I know I wouldn't be who I am today and wouldn't be able to help others if I wouldn't have gone through the abuse as I did. I choose to take the negative and make it positive by using it to reach out to others. After being silent for so long, I have found my voice and there's no way I'm going to shut up now. It doesn't matter where we started out in life, it matters where we are now and what we are doing with our lives. Too many people fixate on a person's past but we shouldn't be defined by what happened back then when it wasn't our fault. We should be defined by who we are today, which are strong survivors making something of our lives. It's never too late to live the life we've wanted and living an abuse free life is possible despite what others may think or say. The key to living the life we want is to not think about what could have been but picture what can be, discovering the courage we have within. There's a world out there that is hurting that is in need of hope and faith and we can give that to them. You see, as survivors, we have the upperhand in helping others because we've been there before and we have an insight to what it is like to live the life of a victim and transform into a survivor. If we all just work together instead of competing against one another and comparing stories, then we can rescue and save those lives that are still trapped before it's too late. What we went through doesn't have to happen to others out there.

Where I'm at Today Compared to Where I Was Before: Since leaving home and breaking the chain of abuse that I went through, I have seen just how much I have grown as a person. Back then, I was afraid to speak out and I tried to run and hide all the time. I was this person who was scared and afraid of taking chances and risks in life. But through the years, I've found my voice again and have started taking steps to go after my dreams and goals that I never had the chance to achieve. To me life is short so I want to make the most out of every moment I have. I know I have more healing to do and more growing to do. Every day I learn something new about myself as I embark on this journey. But I know who I am and what I want in life and I'm going for it, seizing every opportunity that comes my way because I know I have nothing to lose anymore. I'm finally getting to that point where I have confidence in myself as I put back together the pieces of my broken heart. My wings have begun to heal so that I can soar to new heights. Some may say that I'm a caterpillar in a cocoon that is waiting to break through, but I am a butterfly that has all ready broken through and escaped abuse and now I am taking flight. That cocoon was in the past when I didn't speak out. Now that I have found my freedom, I'm a butterfly!

Greatest Gifts In Life We Can Give Others: Hope, faith, love, inspiration, comfort, encouragement, compassion, motivation

What Helping Others is All About: Helping others is not about us and what we can gain from it. It's about those we are reaching. It's about listening to others share their stories without judging, assuming or analyzing. It's not about taking but about giving back. It's about being the change in the world that we wish to see and it's about making a difference in someone's life without the need for popularity or fame. It's not a competition or about who is doing more for people. It's not about comparing stories and battle scars, either. It is about fighting together, standing with each other on life's battlefield, being a voice for those who don't have a voice, sacrificing to rescue others, showing compassion towards one another, repairing wings that have been damaged and mending broken hearts, spreading awareness and educating those who aren't aware of what goes on, and helping others rebuild their lives as they write a new sequel to the past chapters of their lives. It's about making the world a better place for our children, their children, and future generations to come. It's about giving our time and doing the best we can as we relieve the pain and suffering of those around us. It's not about looking for a prize or winning an award because the greatest reward we all ready have which is knowing we are making a difference and touching hearts and souls everywhere we go.

Through The Eyes of a Child

A little girl sits in a corner, holding her teddy bear tight as the tears stream down her face. Through the walls she can hear the sounds of her father and mother fighting once again. This isn't the first time things have gotten out of hand in this household. As the shouting gets louder and the volume increases, she closes her eyes, silently praying that her mom will be okay. Yet the shouting soon turns to sounds of glass shattering and cupboards banging as the violence starts to escalate. Why her dad treats her mom this way, she doesn't understand. It wasn't always like this with the family. For at one time, they spent time together and were a happy family. Somehow though, that all changed and now instead of the house being filled with laughter, it is filled with the sounds of crying and shouting as hearts are bruised and broken.

To the outside world, they seem to be the perfect family. Her mother never talks about what is going on to anyone and carries on as if everything is fine. Yet, if they could only see what goes on behind closed doors, they would see that the warm, cozy house is not a safe place to be but has been transformed into one violent battlefield on which they are forced to fight to survive. Even she isn't spared from her father's wrath for he takes his anger out on her, too. Trying to protect her mom and intervene so she won't have to take the beatings, she finds herself caught in the midst of this brutal storm. So young and so innocent, she is far from being Daddy's little girl or the apple of his eye. Instead, she's scorned and ignored. The only time she's noticed or gets any attention is when her father is abusing her and tearing her down emotionally as well.

All she wants is for her father to be proud of her. But everytime she tries to live up to his expectations, he always finds something wrong in what she does. In his eyes, she is not good enough and cannot measure up. In her diary she writes about her feelings for it's the only place she can share her emotions and get it all out. However, her parents invade her room daily, searching for things they don't find appropriate or that they disapprove of. Soon they confiscate her journal, burning it along with everything else. Although she covered for her mother and tried to protect her, the same is not done for her. Her mother just watches as her father abuses her, not even stepping in or saying a word about it. Both her parents let her know how they don't want her and she feels the sting of rejection. It isn't long before she takes to running away and staying gone for hours at a time for any place is better than home.

Only in her secret place can she really reflect on things and allow her tears to fall for at home, if she's caught crying in front of her father, he tells her to suck it up and to quit being so weak. Although her mother doesn't say a word about what he puts her through, she knows her mother is feeling pain inside that she doesn't show on the outside. She just wishes her mother would be strong enough to leave so that she wouldn't have to relive the same nightmares over and over again each day. But her mother chooses to stay, afraid to get out there and be a single mom who is raising kids on her own. Because he has torn her spirit down so much and has taken full control over her life, she can't find the way out to escape from this hell. So she stays, submitting to his wishes and enduring the pain as her own daughter continues to suffer the physical and emotional pain.

Each night, she tries to fall asleep but with the sounds of the fighting, she lies awake. The tears she silently sheds soak her pillow as she wonders when she will ever be free from all this. Her own mother is now a ghost of her former self for she has sunk into deep depression and won't let anyone near her. She watches helplessly as her mother retreats into a world of her own in which no one can break through. From day to day she struggles to get through, wanting so bad to tell someone what is going on. She dare not say a word to anyone though about the pain for her father has threatened to turn her over to the police and tell them that she has suicidal thoughts and is a bad kid should she speak out. Besides, the one time she did go to a school counselor, word got back to her father and it made things even worse. The last thing she needs is for that to happen again. In a world of silence she dwells, feeling as if she is nothing more than a caged up animal. From who her friends are to what she can do, her father controls it all. When she turns legal age, she knows that she can find her freedom and leave this life behind her for good. For now, she pretends that everything is okay, hiding all the pain she feels inside behind a smile. No one sees behind the mask she wears nor do they see the outside scars that she's managed to cover up.

As she grows up in this broken home, she is left without guidance or direction in her life. Her parents don't care about the trials she goes through or about bullying she faces at school. They could care less about her self infliction battle or if she even lives for that matter. As long as she's out of their sight, then it's good. She's learned to stay to herself and just blend in with her surroundings for it's better to go unnoticed. Still the mean words said to her echo through her mind, making her feel worthless and ugly. She hates that her parents treat her this way and she hates the way she feels. Because they control her life, she doesn't even have many friends. So she finds herself living in a world of solitude, cut off and isolated from everything she knows. Unlike the other kids who are out there having fun and enjoying their lives, she's been forced to grow up too fast, surviving day to day on her own. Her only friend is her teddy bear and he's the only one who knows all her secrets and what she's going through and feeling inside. At least he won't betray her trust or give away her secrets. Sometimes when she's alone, she thinks about what her life will be like when she grows up and she wonders if she will get a happily ever after that she's always dreamed about.

Her heart aches for she just wants to be loved. At least in her dreams, she is free from the pain and the sorrow. In her dreams, no one tears down her goals and tells her that she won't amount to anything. So many dreams in her own life she had, knowing exactly what she wants to be when she grows up. But she puts them on hold and sees some of them get shattered for her parents have all ready decided what she'll do and have all ready mapped out her life for her. She doesn't know which is worse, the emotional abuse or the physical abuse that she endures. Together, though, the two have crushed her self esteem. Even her own relatives don't know what is going on. Then again, her parents cut ties to all family long ago. So here she is, just a lone warrior on this battlefield. As days turn into weeks and weeks into months and months into years, she starts walking closer to life's edge. She wonders what will happen if she just takes the fall. Will the pain go away forever? All she wants is it to go away for good. Now, nearing the age where she can finally leave this place and not look back, she packs her bags.

Life isn't easy though even in the adult years. She carried the pain from her childhood over to her adult years and since she had no direction or guidance to help her out, she wanders from place to place. There's no where that she can call home for she is an unknown stranger in this world, searching for herself and trying to find answers. Walls have been built up that she hasn't torn down because of being betrayed by those she thought were friends. She knows she needs to rebuild her life but she doesn't know where to begin. Too many people have hurt her and she's been in too many unhealthy relationships that she still battles those old insecurities of not being good enough. Her life hasn't exactly turned out as she planned and she's doing her best just to make it through each day without giving up or quitting. The one question on her mind is if the pieces of her heart will ever be put back together. Everyone around her has found love and happiness and she gets to hear about it all the time. That only serves to make her feel more alone and question where her life is headed. On the one hand, she has managed to achieve dreams and goals she had but on the other hand, people use her and try to come back into her life only because they see that she is making something of herself and starting to have a name for herself.

As she looks back to her childhood, she begins to see things that she didn't know back then. It makes a little more sense as to why she feels the way she does. The events of her childhood never prepared her for the transition into adulthood. She had to learn things on her own and take care of herself, having no one but herself to depend on to get her through those times. Without the love and care she needed from her parents, she doesn't know how to reach out for help and doesn't know how to accept love from others since it's something foreign and unfamiliar to her. She doesn't know how to let someone be strong for her or let anyone close because too many times she was judged, accused, and analyzed as people tried to diagnose her with things and play doctor or counselor. Somehow she managed to make it through the dark days and emerge a stronger person on her own. But she doesn't want her life to be empty and lonely; she wants her chance at happiness too. Sometimes she can't help but wonder how things could have been different had she not have grown up in a broken home. What if she wouldn't have gone through the abuse that she did. Would she still feel this way inside or would she lead a life of complete happiness surrounded by love? Would she have all ready found the place where she belongs and would she have somewhere to really call home? Would she have been able to share her dreams with others without being torn down and would she know what love was without being afraid to love again? Would she have married someone who treated her right instead of marrying someone abusive and having her first marriage end in divorce? What if her parents would have shown her love everyday and would have cared about her? Maybe she wouldn't have all these insecurities.

Then she shakes herself out of thinking that way and concentrates on what is going on now in her life. In her heart, she knows that she should be proud of herself for making it this far without giving in. For if she had not gone through the abuse, she couldn't help others out. Those events, as bad as they were, helped to make her a stronger person. Unfortunately, she didn't have anyone there when she was younger to tell her she deserved better and that she was worth more. The most important thing though is that she isn't that same scared little girl of yesterday. Knowing what it's like to be a kid and to go through those things and to grow up in a broken home where it's a fight to survive and knowing what it's like to not have anyone there and to live in silence, she has found her purpose in life.

So many more children out there live this life and yet no one is aware for they don't say anything about it. They are threatened into silence and instead of growing up in a home in which they can lay their head down at night, they fight to protect themselves and their innocence is taken from them at a young age where they are forced to grow up too fast. They don't get to enjoy their childhoods or being a kid. They are neglected, rejected, and cast aside, thrown away even, as if they mean nothing. Yet these kids deserve so much better; they deserve to enjoy being a kid and they deserve to be surrounded by love. What kids see going on and what they feel they don't forget for it stays with them forever. As they grow up, those memories are there still, coming back to haunt and taunt. Children should grow up in safe environments where they are cared for and loved for and where they know how important and precious they are. They need to hear how special they are and that they are worth it. This is why we need to continue to fight for our children and protect them from harm. We need to love them and cherish them for they are our future and they are angels sent from above. So let's continue to fight for our children so they can have that bright future and that better life they deserve. It shouldn't hurt to be a child. Let's unite together to fight for our kids for they certainly are worth it.

Survivor's Healing Creed

Survivor's Healing Creed by Jenna Kandyce Linch

I believe that the past made me the strong person I am today.

I believe that it is more than okay to release my feelings and emotions.

I believe crying is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness.

I believe age has no part to play in making a difference because one is never too old and never too young to change the world.

I believe it's normal to feel anger from the abuse I suffered, but I must control the anger and not let it control me.

I believe that I don't have to repeat the history of my abusers but I have the power in me to break the cycle, refusing to be like them.

I believe my scars are a beautiful testimony of my survival.

I believe that the after effects left behind are challenges in my life I must fight to overcome but that doesn't mean I am a victim.

I believe in a life after abuse for it's never too late to get the life I've always wanted when life gives me a second chance.

I believe that I will never forget what I went through but it is my choice whether I choose to forgive those who hurt me.

I believe there's no right or wrong way to heal and I'm the only one who knows what will help me to heal.

I believe it is important to surround myself with positive people so I can continue to grow as a person.

I believe that my self perspective is what allows me to transform from the victim of yesterday into the survivor of today.

I believe it's important to love myself so that I learn to accept myself and can reach out to others even more, showing them love.

I believe that risks and chances are worth taking, otherwise I'll never know what I could be or where my life could go.

I believe every opportunity I get in life I should seize because once those moments pass by, I can't get them back.

I believe that just because I've been in an abusive relationship or marriage before doesn't mean I won't find real, true love eventually.

I believe it isn't right or fair to compare my story with someone else's because everyone's story is different and since I wasn't there I have no right to judge them or tell them I had it worse.

I believe that when I write or tell my story, it doesn't mean I am dwelling on the past but means I'm expressing feelings I kept locked inside for years.

I believe I should never use my experiences as a way to gain pity and sympathy but use it as something positive to give others hope and show the world how strong survivors are.

I believe that my story is just as important as anyone else's.

I believe it doesn't matter how long I endured abuse, I still feel the pain from it was greatly affected by it.

I believe helping others shouldn't be a competition because it isn't about who does the most work; it's about who cares enough to make self sacrifices to help save lives, doing it not for popularity or fame but because they have a desire and passion to do so.

I believe people shouldn't feel sorry or pity me for what I went through but be happy for me that I have lived and survived to tell my story.

I believe that not every survivor is ready to share their story with the world but for those of us who are, we should be a voice for them.

I believe older survivors shouldn't act superior to the younger ones; instead they should help them so in return they will be prepared to lead the next generation.

I believe that no matter our age or our backgrounds, we can all learn from one another.

I believe it takes teamwork to spread awareness, prevent abuse, and make this world a better place.

I believe my inner child needs to be nurtured, loved, and cared for.

I believe every story deserves to be told and every voice deserves to be heard.

I believe that while the early chapters of my life have all ready been written, I can write new pages for a better sequel.

I believe that even though I grew up in a broken home and came from a rough background, it doesn't mean I can't have a happily ever after in life.

I believe dreams and goals are important to have because they give me something to live for, providing me with hope to keep holding on.

I believe lessons I've learned from the past are stepping stones to creating a brighter future since I know what not to do.

I believe the healing process takes one day at a time, one step at a time and should not be rushed.

I believe the most precious gifts to give other survivors and victims are love, compassion, care, understanding, hope, faith, encouragement, inspiration, motivation, and happiness.

I believe that we can all be leaders if we are willing to step up and speak out.

I believe survivors are the most beautiful people there are who have so much courage, strength and determination inside them.

I believe that I am defined by who I am today and shouldn't be judged on who I was in my past.

I believe that every voice matters!

I believe that we can pick up where the leaders of the past left off and continue to follow their vision as we work to carry out our own missions and purposes in life.

I believe that when I believe in myself, I can achieve anything.


'Survivor's Healing Creed' Copyright © Jenna Kandyce Linch

More To Domestic Violence Than Hitting: He Doesn't Have To Hit You To Hurt You

Often when people think about domestic violence and what a victim goes through, they think about the victim being physically abused and being hit all the time. Yet, there are other ways that someone can hurt you which doesn't involve physical abuse. Physical abuse is only part of what a domestic violence victim goes through. Usually when I'm online and I see domestic violence awareness sites, they show pictures of the victim's bruises and how bad they've been beaten up. But I think that it is important for people to know that a man or woman does not have to hit you to hurt you. One does not have to be physically abused to be in a harmful domestic violence situation.

I never really did realize that my husband had abused me in other ways besides the hitting that went on in our marriage. In fact, until I did research on it and came across some sites that told about other factors that were considered forms of domestic violence, I didn't know that my marriage had many of those factors in it. When I went through a checklist on one of the websites, I was very shocked to see that I had been a victim in other ways. It opened my eyes and made me start seeing that the pain I felt and went through was not only through the physical abuse I had endured. As I began seeing the things I had missed, I realized that I went through some of those factors in my childhood as well. As far as anyone actually becoming a target of abuse and thinking that they did something or acted a certain way to become a target of an abusive relationship, I personally don't think that a person puts themselves in an abusive situation or becomes a target on their own. I don't believe that a person does something or acts a certain way to become a target of an abusive situation. I would not say that I did something or acted a certain way for my husband to abuse me the way that he did. No one goes out looking to be abused and no one wants to become a victim in something that is so horrifying and damaging that it leaves nightmares and scars behind. I certainly was not out there looking to marry someone like my father.

Besides the physical abuse I endured, there were other things that he did to me that contributed in breaking me down. One was humiliating me in public. There were incidents in which he would actually put me down in public when we were out shopping or getting something to eat. It was embarrassing to feel all these eyes on me when he would yell at me or get mad at me where everyone could see it. He caused scenes, drawing attention to our arguments and often I would find myself just walking out the door because I couldn't stand people looking at me and wondering what they were thinking about me. Of course, people don't like to intervene or say anything either when they see abuse going on in public. They figure it's not their place or their business so they often look the other way and pretend that they don't see it or notice that it's going on. Public humiliation is one of the things that abusers put their victims through to try to embarrass them and make them feel worthless in front of others. Some abusers even humiliate their victims in front of friends too, shouting at them and making them feel low.

Another thing that went on in my marriage was when my husband would control economic resources and cut them off. I can remember times that he would get so mad he would take the food in our house and throw it all out just so I couldn't eat. At the time, we only had his income to live on since I didn't have a job. So he knew I didn't have any money where I could buy food on my own and we didn't have a joint bank account either. The money was under his bank account. One night he threw out all the food and then ordered himself something to eat and sat there in front of me, eating his food while I had nothing to eat. Every time he would get upset he would find something to destroy or threaten to destroy. During one fight, he actually broke my computer. He picked up my computer and threw it on the floor, breaking it. Later, when I got another computer to replace it, he threatened to get rid of the TV and internet. When I thought back to my childhood, I remember the day that I moved out of my house and my father decided to take me off his insurance plan and cut me off from it even though I could have still been on it. He came out of the house and told me to give him my insurance card that I carried on me, telling me I no longer needed it. At the time, I was on medication, expensive medication that I needed but when my father took away that insurance card, I could no longer receive the medication because I couldn't afford it. Abusers take away things that their victims need, such as food, transportation, insurance, clothing, money, etc. and control it all so that the victim has to rely on them for everything. One of the things that I constantly heard when my husband would get mad at me was, "Well what have you given me and what have you done for me? I feed you, I give you money, I do this, I do that, but what have you done for me in return?" When I would hear that, it made me feel that I couldn't support myself on my own and I hated that feeling of having to depend on him for everything. When abusers control everything, they know it will be harder for the victim to leave because the victim will feel that they have absolutely nothing to their name and that they will panic and decide to stay since they are afraid to leave and not have anything to help them start over. That's how it was with my mom. She stayed because as a house wife, my dad controlled everything. She was afraid that she would have no way to support two kids on her own with only a high school education to her name.

Then there was the psychological abuse I endured. Now, the psychological abuse that I endured happened both in my childhood and in my marriage. This is also known as emotional abuse or as I know it, brainwashing. Abusers brainwash their victims by twisting around their words and making them believe that everything is their fault. By twisting everything to fit their perspective, the victim starts to question what is real and begin to wonder if they are even really being abused. Both my father and my husband were great at twisting things around and denying what they did to me and put me through. Instead, they would make it look as if I was delusional, warped, crazy, etc. I found myself having doubts about whether I really was in an abusive situation because of how much they turned things around on me. They kept me blinded to their lies so I couldn't see my way out or see the truth about what was going on. When I was younger, I had to go see psychologists because my dad told me that my behavior was creating problems in my parents' marriage. If I did something that made him mad, he made me repeat over and over again that I was a moral failure. I remember sitting down beside him on the couch and having to repeat it out loud,
"I'm a moral failure, I'm a moral failure." Because of that brainwashing, I would say that phrase out loud when I had arguments in my marriage. Even in the workplace when I made mistakes, that phrase went through my mind. Brainwashing is a very powerful tool that abusers use to their advantage to keep victims blinded to the truth and keep them trapped in the abusive situation. They know that if they can control their victim's thoughts and make them believe something that is not true, then they won't leave since they will begin to wonder what is real and what's not. Although I am a survivor now, I still battle with my thoughts because of all the brainwashing from my father and my husband. Both repeatedly told me how they didn't want me, how I was a mistake, how I was messed up and deserved to be locked up, and the list goes on. I've had to fight so hard to overcome those negative thoughts from the past that sometimes come back to taunt me.


Threats and blackmailing often take place in domestic violence situations. During my childhood, I often wanted to speak out and longed to tell someone what was going on at home. But my father kept me trapped in silence by threatening to tell the police that I cut myself and that I had suicidal tendencies back then. I was afraid of going to juvenile jail and being locked away in a psyche ward that I just remained silent and never told anyone. In my marriage, the threats came after every fight when I would run out of the house and tell my husband that I was going to go to the authorities and report him. His reply often was that he would tell them that I abused him since I did fight back and defend myself and that I would be the one to get in trouble. I didn't want to lose my job and I admit, for me what made it a difficult situation is that he was in the military and I worked on base too as a civilian. None of the neighbors ever reported anything to the police but I'm sure they heard how loud it got at our house and heard the door slam when I would run out of the house as fast as I could. What's kind of ironic is that the street I lived on in base housing was nicknamed Domestic Drive because according to one of the wives on base, that street was known for people reporting domestic disputes all the time. When I decided to try to get a lawyer, he threatened to use tapes he had of me where I was cutting myself and turn them over to the court to try to prove that I was mentally insane and that I was a danger to myself. Sad but true, he would tape me self inflicting and hurting myself without doing anything about it. One night he saw me come into the other room after another one of our violent fights and sitting there on the couch, eating food he had just ordered, he watched me cut myself and didn't seem to care. Then he recorded it on his phone. He even listened to me talking to my brother on the phone when I was outside on my cell and when he heard me tell my brother that I would get a lawyer, he threatened me some more. Even when I moved out and we separated, he threatened me in front of one of my friends who was helping me move out. So blackmail and threats are another way in which an abuser controls their victim and keeps them from speaking out. They use anything they can that they know about the victim as a threat to use it against them if they go forward and report the abuser. Abusers don't want to get in trouble so they figure if they blackmail their victims and threaten them, the victim will believe that they are the one who will get in trouble so they will keep silent since they don't want to be the ones to get in trouble.


Then there's the verbal abuse. Words can hurt and cut deeply, causing people to feel worthless. Verbal abuse shatters a person's self esteem into so many pieces. Before I got married, I self inflicted but for a period of time I had stopped the habit. After I got married, I picked up the habit again because of the verbal abuse I was going through as well. During each fight I heard how it was my fault, how I wasn't good enough, how I couldn't measure up, how there was something wrong with me, that he didn't love me or want me, etc. Just as I had done when I was a little girl, I locked myself in the bathroom and began hurting myself to try to rid myself of the emotional pain. I tried to walk away to prevent fights from breaking out but each time, he followed me and taunted me. Those times reminded me of what went on between my parents. My dad often made my mom feel worthless and broke her spirit down because of things he said to her. Both my parents verbally abused me, letting me know they wished they could get rid of me if they could and that they didn't want me. They were never proud of me for anything either. My dad informed me he had nothing to be proud of me for. I love you were words I never heard. Even in my marriage, I felt that I was unloved and unwanted with all the verbal abuse. The reflection I saw of myself was of a victim who was broken down into so many pieces. I didn't think I was good enough for anyone and I didn't think I was good enough in anything I did either. I only saw broken pieces of my heart and soul that I didn't know how to put back together. Verbal abuse is also very damaging and it does cause a person to doubt themselves and feel inadequate, unloved, and unwanted in life. Instead of seeing themselves as the beautiful person they are and seeing someone who has so much value to them, they see themselves as a mistake. I can't even begin to count all the times that I just wanted to end my life and give it all up because of the pain I felt from the verbal abuse. Thankfully, today, I see myself as the beautiful survivor that I am and know that I do have worth to me though it's taken me awhile to see it. I'm fortunate to have people in my life who help me see the good qualities that I have in myself.

A person does not have to hit you to hurt you. These are only some of the other factors that contribute to abusive situations. Abuse is not just someone hitting you. It does go beyond that. If any of these traits are in the person you are dating or are married to, then you need to get out of that relationship. I know that society often makes people feel that they aren't worth anything if they don't have a special someone in their lives. Society makes it seem that you must have that special someone in your life or you won't be happy and complete. This pertains to not just women but men also. Just like the things I have covered in this blog pertain to not only women but men too because men can be victims of abuse just like women can. Don't stay in a relationship where you are being hurt everyday. You deserve better than that. I know there will be times that the person comes back and begs you to stay and says they will change. I took my husband back so many times and gave him so many chances and it only turned more violent. I remember one time when he came back from his first deployment and he said he had time to think about it when he was over there and he wanted to stay married to me. As much as I wanted to believe him and as much as I loved him and wanted it to work out, I knew I couldn't stay and get back together. It's good that I didn't because as time went on I saw that he really hadn't changed that much. I looked at the scars on my body from the self infliction I had put myself through due to the emotional and verbal abuse he made me endure, and those memories of all the violence came back. Those memories helped me know I was making the right decision by leaving. So when the person comes to you asking for another chance, you have to remain strong and stand your ground. Remember all the times that person hurt you and ask yourself, is this what I really want? Is this the kind of relationship I really want to be in? Is it worth getting hurt all the time and worth hurting all the time?

I know that people talk about how they have found the right ones in their lives and I know that people want to find love and happiness in this world. However, don't go back to someone abusive or stay with them because you think that you won't have another chance at love. It is better to remain single and be alone then to enter a relationship that is unhealthy and harmful. Let other people talk about their wonderful relationships all they want, but don't let it get you down and make you feel that you should have someone right now. I have been single for awhile now and I love it. I can focus on me and the healing I need to do. Sure people tell me how they have someone wonderful in their lives and sure, they tell me not to give up on love and that I'll find someone. But you know what, there is more to life than dating. Some of the people in history who have made an impact on society were and are single. You see, you can make yourself happy without having someone in your life to make you happy. I'm happy with who I am and the life I am living. I don't need a man in my life to make me feel complete. If you want to stay single, there's nothing wrong with it. Better to wait to date than just go out and try to force something to work out or happen because when you force it, that's when it falls apart and you find yourself getting hurt again. Being single is a gift. It doesn't mean that I don't believe in real, true love because I do but it just means that I choose to wait for it to happen on its own. Because when you wait for it to happen on its own, then it's something that is precious and beautiful and definitely worth waiting for. Love comes to us when we're not looking for it and when we least expect it. There is no shame in being single. Sometimes being single is the smart decision to make before rushing into another relationship right away. You do have to give yourself time to heal. I know that right now, where I'm at in life, I wouldn't be able to give all my heart and all my love to someone. Just wait for love to happen on its own and in its own time. You don't need to be with a person who makes you feel guilty all the time, who hurts you, who tears you down, who has no respect for you and doesn't treat you right. Always remember you are someone beautiful and special who deserves to be cherished, loved, treasured and protected from harm so don't settle for anything less than that.