Through The Eyes of a Child

A little girl sits in a corner, holding her teddy bear tight as the tears stream down her face. Through the walls she can hear the sounds of her father and mother fighting once again. This isn't the first time things have gotten out of hand in this household. As the shouting gets louder and the volume increases, she closes her eyes, silently praying that her mom will be okay. Yet the shouting soon turns to sounds of glass shattering and cupboards banging as the violence starts to escalate. Why her dad treats her mom this way, she doesn't understand. It wasn't always like this with the family. For at one time, they spent time together and were a happy family. Somehow though, that all changed and now instead of the house being filled with laughter, it is filled with the sounds of crying and shouting as hearts are bruised and broken.

To the outside world, they seem to be the perfect family. Her mother never talks about what is going on to anyone and carries on as if everything is fine. Yet, if they could only see what goes on behind closed doors, they would see that the warm, cozy house is not a safe place to be but has been transformed into one violent battlefield on which they are forced to fight to survive. Even she isn't spared from her father's wrath for he takes his anger out on her, too. Trying to protect her mom and intervene so she won't have to take the beatings, she finds herself caught in the midst of this brutal storm. So young and so innocent, she is far from being Daddy's little girl or the apple of his eye. Instead, she's scorned and ignored. The only time she's noticed or gets any attention is when her father is abusing her and tearing her down emotionally as well.

All she wants is for her father to be proud of her. But everytime she tries to live up to his expectations, he always finds something wrong in what she does. In his eyes, she is not good enough and cannot measure up. In her diary she writes about her feelings for it's the only place she can share her emotions and get it all out. However, her parents invade her room daily, searching for things they don't find appropriate or that they disapprove of. Soon they confiscate her journal, burning it along with everything else. Although she covered for her mother and tried to protect her, the same is not done for her. Her mother just watches as her father abuses her, not even stepping in or saying a word about it. Both her parents let her know how they don't want her and she feels the sting of rejection. It isn't long before she takes to running away and staying gone for hours at a time for any place is better than home.

Only in her secret place can she really reflect on things and allow her tears to fall for at home, if she's caught crying in front of her father, he tells her to suck it up and to quit being so weak. Although her mother doesn't say a word about what he puts her through, she knows her mother is feeling pain inside that she doesn't show on the outside. She just wishes her mother would be strong enough to leave so that she wouldn't have to relive the same nightmares over and over again each day. But her mother chooses to stay, afraid to get out there and be a single mom who is raising kids on her own. Because he has torn her spirit down so much and has taken full control over her life, she can't find the way out to escape from this hell. So she stays, submitting to his wishes and enduring the pain as her own daughter continues to suffer the physical and emotional pain.

Each night, she tries to fall asleep but with the sounds of the fighting, she lies awake. The tears she silently sheds soak her pillow as she wonders when she will ever be free from all this. Her own mother is now a ghost of her former self for she has sunk into deep depression and won't let anyone near her. She watches helplessly as her mother retreats into a world of her own in which no one can break through. From day to day she struggles to get through, wanting so bad to tell someone what is going on. She dare not say a word to anyone though about the pain for her father has threatened to turn her over to the police and tell them that she has suicidal thoughts and is a bad kid should she speak out. Besides, the one time she did go to a school counselor, word got back to her father and it made things even worse. The last thing she needs is for that to happen again. In a world of silence she dwells, feeling as if she is nothing more than a caged up animal. From who her friends are to what she can do, her father controls it all. When she turns legal age, she knows that she can find her freedom and leave this life behind her for good. For now, she pretends that everything is okay, hiding all the pain she feels inside behind a smile. No one sees behind the mask she wears nor do they see the outside scars that she's managed to cover up.

As she grows up in this broken home, she is left without guidance or direction in her life. Her parents don't care about the trials she goes through or about bullying she faces at school. They could care less about her self infliction battle or if she even lives for that matter. As long as she's out of their sight, then it's good. She's learned to stay to herself and just blend in with her surroundings for it's better to go unnoticed. Still the mean words said to her echo through her mind, making her feel worthless and ugly. She hates that her parents treat her this way and she hates the way she feels. Because they control her life, she doesn't even have many friends. So she finds herself living in a world of solitude, cut off and isolated from everything she knows. Unlike the other kids who are out there having fun and enjoying their lives, she's been forced to grow up too fast, surviving day to day on her own. Her only friend is her teddy bear and he's the only one who knows all her secrets and what she's going through and feeling inside. At least he won't betray her trust or give away her secrets. Sometimes when she's alone, she thinks about what her life will be like when she grows up and she wonders if she will get a happily ever after that she's always dreamed about.

Her heart aches for she just wants to be loved. At least in her dreams, she is free from the pain and the sorrow. In her dreams, no one tears down her goals and tells her that she won't amount to anything. So many dreams in her own life she had, knowing exactly what she wants to be when she grows up. But she puts them on hold and sees some of them get shattered for her parents have all ready decided what she'll do and have all ready mapped out her life for her. She doesn't know which is worse, the emotional abuse or the physical abuse that she endures. Together, though, the two have crushed her self esteem. Even her own relatives don't know what is going on. Then again, her parents cut ties to all family long ago. So here she is, just a lone warrior on this battlefield. As days turn into weeks and weeks into months and months into years, she starts walking closer to life's edge. She wonders what will happen if she just takes the fall. Will the pain go away forever? All she wants is it to go away for good. Now, nearing the age where she can finally leave this place and not look back, she packs her bags.

Life isn't easy though even in the adult years. She carried the pain from her childhood over to her adult years and since she had no direction or guidance to help her out, she wanders from place to place. There's no where that she can call home for she is an unknown stranger in this world, searching for herself and trying to find answers. Walls have been built up that she hasn't torn down because of being betrayed by those she thought were friends. She knows she needs to rebuild her life but she doesn't know where to begin. Too many people have hurt her and she's been in too many unhealthy relationships that she still battles those old insecurities of not being good enough. Her life hasn't exactly turned out as she planned and she's doing her best just to make it through each day without giving up or quitting. The one question on her mind is if the pieces of her heart will ever be put back together. Everyone around her has found love and happiness and she gets to hear about it all the time. That only serves to make her feel more alone and question where her life is headed. On the one hand, she has managed to achieve dreams and goals she had but on the other hand, people use her and try to come back into her life only because they see that she is making something of herself and starting to have a name for herself.

As she looks back to her childhood, she begins to see things that she didn't know back then. It makes a little more sense as to why she feels the way she does. The events of her childhood never prepared her for the transition into adulthood. She had to learn things on her own and take care of herself, having no one but herself to depend on to get her through those times. Without the love and care she needed from her parents, she doesn't know how to reach out for help and doesn't know how to accept love from others since it's something foreign and unfamiliar to her. She doesn't know how to let someone be strong for her or let anyone close because too many times she was judged, accused, and analyzed as people tried to diagnose her with things and play doctor or counselor. Somehow she managed to make it through the dark days and emerge a stronger person on her own. But she doesn't want her life to be empty and lonely; she wants her chance at happiness too. Sometimes she can't help but wonder how things could have been different had she not have grown up in a broken home. What if she wouldn't have gone through the abuse that she did. Would she still feel this way inside or would she lead a life of complete happiness surrounded by love? Would she have all ready found the place where she belongs and would she have somewhere to really call home? Would she have been able to share her dreams with others without being torn down and would she know what love was without being afraid to love again? Would she have married someone who treated her right instead of marrying someone abusive and having her first marriage end in divorce? What if her parents would have shown her love everyday and would have cared about her? Maybe she wouldn't have all these insecurities.

Then she shakes herself out of thinking that way and concentrates on what is going on now in her life. In her heart, she knows that she should be proud of herself for making it this far without giving in. For if she had not gone through the abuse, she couldn't help others out. Those events, as bad as they were, helped to make her a stronger person. Unfortunately, she didn't have anyone there when she was younger to tell her she deserved better and that she was worth more. The most important thing though is that she isn't that same scared little girl of yesterday. Knowing what it's like to be a kid and to go through those things and to grow up in a broken home where it's a fight to survive and knowing what it's like to not have anyone there and to live in silence, she has found her purpose in life.

So many more children out there live this life and yet no one is aware for they don't say anything about it. They are threatened into silence and instead of growing up in a home in which they can lay their head down at night, they fight to protect themselves and their innocence is taken from them at a young age where they are forced to grow up too fast. They don't get to enjoy their childhoods or being a kid. They are neglected, rejected, and cast aside, thrown away even, as if they mean nothing. Yet these kids deserve so much better; they deserve to enjoy being a kid and they deserve to be surrounded by love. What kids see going on and what they feel they don't forget for it stays with them forever. As they grow up, those memories are there still, coming back to haunt and taunt. Children should grow up in safe environments where they are cared for and loved for and where they know how important and precious they are. They need to hear how special they are and that they are worth it. This is why we need to continue to fight for our children and protect them from harm. We need to love them and cherish them for they are our future and they are angels sent from above. So let's continue to fight for our children so they can have that bright future and that better life they deserve. It shouldn't hurt to be a child. Let's unite together to fight for our kids for they certainly are worth it.