More To Domestic Violence Than Hitting: He Doesn't Have To Hit You To Hurt You

Often when people think about domestic violence and what a victim goes through, they think about the victim being physically abused and being hit all the time. Yet, there are other ways that someone can hurt you which doesn't involve physical abuse. Physical abuse is only part of what a domestic violence victim goes through. Usually when I'm online and I see domestic violence awareness sites, they show pictures of the victim's bruises and how bad they've been beaten up. But I think that it is important for people to know that a man or woman does not have to hit you to hurt you. One does not have to be physically abused to be in a harmful domestic violence situation.

I never really did realize that my husband had abused me in other ways besides the hitting that went on in our marriage. In fact, until I did research on it and came across some sites that told about other factors that were considered forms of domestic violence, I didn't know that my marriage had many of those factors in it. When I went through a checklist on one of the websites, I was very shocked to see that I had been a victim in other ways. It opened my eyes and made me start seeing that the pain I felt and went through was not only through the physical abuse I had endured. As I began seeing the things I had missed, I realized that I went through some of those factors in my childhood as well. As far as anyone actually becoming a target of abuse and thinking that they did something or acted a certain way to become a target of an abusive relationship, I personally don't think that a person puts themselves in an abusive situation or becomes a target on their own. I don't believe that a person does something or acts a certain way to become a target of an abusive situation. I would not say that I did something or acted a certain way for my husband to abuse me the way that he did. No one goes out looking to be abused and no one wants to become a victim in something that is so horrifying and damaging that it leaves nightmares and scars behind. I certainly was not out there looking to marry someone like my father.

Besides the physical abuse I endured, there were other things that he did to me that contributed in breaking me down. One was humiliating me in public. There were incidents in which he would actually put me down in public when we were out shopping or getting something to eat. It was embarrassing to feel all these eyes on me when he would yell at me or get mad at me where everyone could see it. He caused scenes, drawing attention to our arguments and often I would find myself just walking out the door because I couldn't stand people looking at me and wondering what they were thinking about me. Of course, people don't like to intervene or say anything either when they see abuse going on in public. They figure it's not their place or their business so they often look the other way and pretend that they don't see it or notice that it's going on. Public humiliation is one of the things that abusers put their victims through to try to embarrass them and make them feel worthless in front of others. Some abusers even humiliate their victims in front of friends too, shouting at them and making them feel low.

Another thing that went on in my marriage was when my husband would control economic resources and cut them off. I can remember times that he would get so mad he would take the food in our house and throw it all out just so I couldn't eat. At the time, we only had his income to live on since I didn't have a job. So he knew I didn't have any money where I could buy food on my own and we didn't have a joint bank account either. The money was under his bank account. One night he threw out all the food and then ordered himself something to eat and sat there in front of me, eating his food while I had nothing to eat. Every time he would get upset he would find something to destroy or threaten to destroy. During one fight, he actually broke my computer. He picked up my computer and threw it on the floor, breaking it. Later, when I got another computer to replace it, he threatened to get rid of the TV and internet. When I thought back to my childhood, I remember the day that I moved out of my house and my father decided to take me off his insurance plan and cut me off from it even though I could have still been on it. He came out of the house and told me to give him my insurance card that I carried on me, telling me I no longer needed it. At the time, I was on medication, expensive medication that I needed but when my father took away that insurance card, I could no longer receive the medication because I couldn't afford it. Abusers take away things that their victims need, such as food, transportation, insurance, clothing, money, etc. and control it all so that the victim has to rely on them for everything. One of the things that I constantly heard when my husband would get mad at me was, "Well what have you given me and what have you done for me? I feed you, I give you money, I do this, I do that, but what have you done for me in return?" When I would hear that, it made me feel that I couldn't support myself on my own and I hated that feeling of having to depend on him for everything. When abusers control everything, they know it will be harder for the victim to leave because the victim will feel that they have absolutely nothing to their name and that they will panic and decide to stay since they are afraid to leave and not have anything to help them start over. That's how it was with my mom. She stayed because as a house wife, my dad controlled everything. She was afraid that she would have no way to support two kids on her own with only a high school education to her name.

Then there was the psychological abuse I endured. Now, the psychological abuse that I endured happened both in my childhood and in my marriage. This is also known as emotional abuse or as I know it, brainwashing. Abusers brainwash their victims by twisting around their words and making them believe that everything is their fault. By twisting everything to fit their perspective, the victim starts to question what is real and begin to wonder if they are even really being abused. Both my father and my husband were great at twisting things around and denying what they did to me and put me through. Instead, they would make it look as if I was delusional, warped, crazy, etc. I found myself having doubts about whether I really was in an abusive situation because of how much they turned things around on me. They kept me blinded to their lies so I couldn't see my way out or see the truth about what was going on. When I was younger, I had to go see psychologists because my dad told me that my behavior was creating problems in my parents' marriage. If I did something that made him mad, he made me repeat over and over again that I was a moral failure. I remember sitting down beside him on the couch and having to repeat it out loud,
"I'm a moral failure, I'm a moral failure." Because of that brainwashing, I would say that phrase out loud when I had arguments in my marriage. Even in the workplace when I made mistakes, that phrase went through my mind. Brainwashing is a very powerful tool that abusers use to their advantage to keep victims blinded to the truth and keep them trapped in the abusive situation. They know that if they can control their victim's thoughts and make them believe something that is not true, then they won't leave since they will begin to wonder what is real and what's not. Although I am a survivor now, I still battle with my thoughts because of all the brainwashing from my father and my husband. Both repeatedly told me how they didn't want me, how I was a mistake, how I was messed up and deserved to be locked up, and the list goes on. I've had to fight so hard to overcome those negative thoughts from the past that sometimes come back to taunt me.


Threats and blackmailing often take place in domestic violence situations. During my childhood, I often wanted to speak out and longed to tell someone what was going on at home. But my father kept me trapped in silence by threatening to tell the police that I cut myself and that I had suicidal tendencies back then. I was afraid of going to juvenile jail and being locked away in a psyche ward that I just remained silent and never told anyone. In my marriage, the threats came after every fight when I would run out of the house and tell my husband that I was going to go to the authorities and report him. His reply often was that he would tell them that I abused him since I did fight back and defend myself and that I would be the one to get in trouble. I didn't want to lose my job and I admit, for me what made it a difficult situation is that he was in the military and I worked on base too as a civilian. None of the neighbors ever reported anything to the police but I'm sure they heard how loud it got at our house and heard the door slam when I would run out of the house as fast as I could. What's kind of ironic is that the street I lived on in base housing was nicknamed Domestic Drive because according to one of the wives on base, that street was known for people reporting domestic disputes all the time. When I decided to try to get a lawyer, he threatened to use tapes he had of me where I was cutting myself and turn them over to the court to try to prove that I was mentally insane and that I was a danger to myself. Sad but true, he would tape me self inflicting and hurting myself without doing anything about it. One night he saw me come into the other room after another one of our violent fights and sitting there on the couch, eating food he had just ordered, he watched me cut myself and didn't seem to care. Then he recorded it on his phone. He even listened to me talking to my brother on the phone when I was outside on my cell and when he heard me tell my brother that I would get a lawyer, he threatened me some more. Even when I moved out and we separated, he threatened me in front of one of my friends who was helping me move out. So blackmail and threats are another way in which an abuser controls their victim and keeps them from speaking out. They use anything they can that they know about the victim as a threat to use it against them if they go forward and report the abuser. Abusers don't want to get in trouble so they figure if they blackmail their victims and threaten them, the victim will believe that they are the one who will get in trouble so they will keep silent since they don't want to be the ones to get in trouble.


Then there's the verbal abuse. Words can hurt and cut deeply, causing people to feel worthless. Verbal abuse shatters a person's self esteem into so many pieces. Before I got married, I self inflicted but for a period of time I had stopped the habit. After I got married, I picked up the habit again because of the verbal abuse I was going through as well. During each fight I heard how it was my fault, how I wasn't good enough, how I couldn't measure up, how there was something wrong with me, that he didn't love me or want me, etc. Just as I had done when I was a little girl, I locked myself in the bathroom and began hurting myself to try to rid myself of the emotional pain. I tried to walk away to prevent fights from breaking out but each time, he followed me and taunted me. Those times reminded me of what went on between my parents. My dad often made my mom feel worthless and broke her spirit down because of things he said to her. Both my parents verbally abused me, letting me know they wished they could get rid of me if they could and that they didn't want me. They were never proud of me for anything either. My dad informed me he had nothing to be proud of me for. I love you were words I never heard. Even in my marriage, I felt that I was unloved and unwanted with all the verbal abuse. The reflection I saw of myself was of a victim who was broken down into so many pieces. I didn't think I was good enough for anyone and I didn't think I was good enough in anything I did either. I only saw broken pieces of my heart and soul that I didn't know how to put back together. Verbal abuse is also very damaging and it does cause a person to doubt themselves and feel inadequate, unloved, and unwanted in life. Instead of seeing themselves as the beautiful person they are and seeing someone who has so much value to them, they see themselves as a mistake. I can't even begin to count all the times that I just wanted to end my life and give it all up because of the pain I felt from the verbal abuse. Thankfully, today, I see myself as the beautiful survivor that I am and know that I do have worth to me though it's taken me awhile to see it. I'm fortunate to have people in my life who help me see the good qualities that I have in myself.

A person does not have to hit you to hurt you. These are only some of the other factors that contribute to abusive situations. Abuse is not just someone hitting you. It does go beyond that. If any of these traits are in the person you are dating or are married to, then you need to get out of that relationship. I know that society often makes people feel that they aren't worth anything if they don't have a special someone in their lives. Society makes it seem that you must have that special someone in your life or you won't be happy and complete. This pertains to not just women but men also. Just like the things I have covered in this blog pertain to not only women but men too because men can be victims of abuse just like women can. Don't stay in a relationship where you are being hurt everyday. You deserve better than that. I know there will be times that the person comes back and begs you to stay and says they will change. I took my husband back so many times and gave him so many chances and it only turned more violent. I remember one time when he came back from his first deployment and he said he had time to think about it when he was over there and he wanted to stay married to me. As much as I wanted to believe him and as much as I loved him and wanted it to work out, I knew I couldn't stay and get back together. It's good that I didn't because as time went on I saw that he really hadn't changed that much. I looked at the scars on my body from the self infliction I had put myself through due to the emotional and verbal abuse he made me endure, and those memories of all the violence came back. Those memories helped me know I was making the right decision by leaving. So when the person comes to you asking for another chance, you have to remain strong and stand your ground. Remember all the times that person hurt you and ask yourself, is this what I really want? Is this the kind of relationship I really want to be in? Is it worth getting hurt all the time and worth hurting all the time?

I know that people talk about how they have found the right ones in their lives and I know that people want to find love and happiness in this world. However, don't go back to someone abusive or stay with them because you think that you won't have another chance at love. It is better to remain single and be alone then to enter a relationship that is unhealthy and harmful. Let other people talk about their wonderful relationships all they want, but don't let it get you down and make you feel that you should have someone right now. I have been single for awhile now and I love it. I can focus on me and the healing I need to do. Sure people tell me how they have someone wonderful in their lives and sure, they tell me not to give up on love and that I'll find someone. But you know what, there is more to life than dating. Some of the people in history who have made an impact on society were and are single. You see, you can make yourself happy without having someone in your life to make you happy. I'm happy with who I am and the life I am living. I don't need a man in my life to make me feel complete. If you want to stay single, there's nothing wrong with it. Better to wait to date than just go out and try to force something to work out or happen because when you force it, that's when it falls apart and you find yourself getting hurt again. Being single is a gift. It doesn't mean that I don't believe in real, true love because I do but it just means that I choose to wait for it to happen on its own. Because when you wait for it to happen on its own, then it's something that is precious and beautiful and definitely worth waiting for. Love comes to us when we're not looking for it and when we least expect it. There is no shame in being single. Sometimes being single is the smart decision to make before rushing into another relationship right away. You do have to give yourself time to heal. I know that right now, where I'm at in life, I wouldn't be able to give all my heart and all my love to someone. Just wait for love to happen on its own and in its own time. You don't need to be with a person who makes you feel guilty all the time, who hurts you, who tears you down, who has no respect for you and doesn't treat you right. Always remember you are someone beautiful and special who deserves to be cherished, loved, treasured and protected from harm so don't settle for anything less than that.