Being A Voice For Others

If I thought that being a victim of abuse was tough enough with all the struggles I faced and feeling trapped and alone, I never imagined that speaking out would bring it's own difficulties as well. Not that I regret breaking my silence and sharing my story with others because I don't. When I was younger, it was always my dream to one day be a writer and share my experiences with those who have gone through abuse and haven't had a chance to be heard. I've been told that I do not sugarcoat things when I write which is true. I tend to be straightforward and honest when it comes to exposing the truth and shedding light on the truth about the effects of abuse. I don't believe in sugarcoating things or saying what other people want to hear because honestly, what good does that do? Sugarcoating things gets nowhere when spreading awareness. I believe in order for people to understand and see the dangers of abuse and how damaging it is, then we have to be straightforward and blunt when sharing our stories. Otherwise, the truth will always be covered up and people will never see through society's lies and attempts to cover up the truth about abuse.

As a friend of mine recently said, when it comes to abuse, there is a certain stigma that comes with it. I used to wonder why so many survivors had a hard time sharing their story and speaking out about their experiences. But the more I talk to other survivors, I know why they hesitate to speak out. It is true that when people hear the word "abuse" or if they know that you are an abuse survivor, they begin to form their own opinions and assumptions about what you went through, even though they were never there. People start feeling sorry for you because of what you went through or they shun you for it, putting in their two cents without really listening to what you have to say. When it comes to my story, I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want people to be happy for me that I survived the abuse and have lived to tell about it so I can help other victims and survivors out there. As far as people judging me and misunderstanding things I say, well, we must remember that when speaking out and writing our stories, there will be those who only see what they want to see and pick out pieces of our stories that they want to focus on and point out things because I guess it makes them feel better and gives them this sense of knowing all when they put in their two cents without really reading what you have to say or hearing what you have to say. Yes, I have had people hear my story or read it and only focus on one thing in the entire story. They are so keen on telling me I should do this or I should do that so they miss the whole message and point to what I am sharing.

I have been told over and over again that when I speak out and share my experiences, I am explaining myself to others and that I shouldn't have to explain myself to anyone. When sharing our stories, I don't believe or even see it as we survivors are explaining ourselves to anyone. Let's just say we were explaining ourselves. That's one of the effects left from abuse. For some of us survivors, we have this habit of attempting to explain ourselves because for one we were never heard when we were going through the abuse and two, we had to explain ourselves to our abusers to cover up things in the hopes that we would not go through another beating or more abuse. When I was growing up, I used to lie about things when my father would interrogate me because I thought it was better to hide things and cover it up instead of having to deal with his anger being taken out on me. I lied to protect myself from being abused further. So the whole explaining ourselves thing is quite normal and natural to do because of what we went through and how we had to watch out for ourselves and figure out ways to stop the abuse from coming again, even if it was just for a short while. Yet when people say that I shouldn't have to explain myself, I don't see it that I'm explaining myself. I live a life free from abuse, I know that I am a grown woman and can live the life that I want, but I share my story to show others what I have gone through and to help others know they are not alone in what they face. If people see that as explaining myself then clearly they are missing out on the message I am sending out.

You see, people need to stop fixating on certain things about a person's past life. It is in the past and because we didn't have a chance to speak out before, now that we have shattered our silence, we have a lot to say. There is nothing wrong with releasing your emotions and feelings and getting them out there. Although we survived the abuse, that doesn't mean that things are all better and it's all glimmer and glam from now on. Far from it. Being a survivor still requires us to still face challenges and obstacles in our own lives. Though the past is over and done with, the memories are far from being over with. We will always carry those memories and we'll never forget what we went through since that part of our lives is our history and our history is forever part of us. However, the way we deal with how we heal is up to us and no one can tell us how to heal. No one can tell us what is right or wrong when it comes to healing because there is no right and no wrong way to heal. It's our personal choice what we do to begin to allow ourselves to heal from the past. But no one can make that decision for us.

Time and time again, I've heard people say well you need to speak out or you need to forgive or you need to move on. There are various phrases I've heard survivors tell each other and I too have been told these things. However, the choices to speak out and forgive takes time and a person must do those things in their own time when it's right for them to do so. Forgiveness is not something that is easy to do when you've been put through so much hell from someone that you trusted, someone that should have protected you from harm, someone who should have been there to love and cherish you. When they betray your trust by hurting you and abusing you, you're not going to necessarily be ready to forgive them right away or at all for that matter. Forgiveness is a personal choice and people should not preach at others to forgive, forgive and forgive. I have a problem with those survivors who force their opinions on others like that. It's one thing to offer advice and encourage a fellow survivor but it's another thing to force your views and opinions down their throat where you come across as condemning and judging them. The more that you try to force your views on someone, the more you will drive them away. We must remember that while the experiences we went through are similar, our situations were all different and thus the way we heal will be different too. No one lives exactly the same life as someone else. There may be similarities in stories and what people have gone through, but the memories that people carry with them are not the same at all for all our stories are different since none of us are the same.

When choosing to be a voice for others, you need to make sure you are ready to do so. I can tell you firsthand that since speaking out, I have been judged quite a few times and torn into for my beliefs. I don't expect people to agree with me on what I write as it is based on personal opinions and beliefs. No one should tear someone else down when they are sharing their story. I think sometimes people forget that we are all working towards the same goal which is making a difference and change in this world and putting a stop to abuse. If people continue to make it a competition instead of working together, then so many lives will continue to be trapped in silence and shattered. Why? Because people are too busy judging each other, competing with each other and fighting with one another when they should be out there fighting side by side to help those in need. To save a life and to make a difference, it starts with listening without judging. I was told before that some things are better left unsaid and that it's better to be quiet about things; otherwise, things get twisted around with all the information someone puts out there. You know, I disagree with that and I'll tell you why I disagree with it. People choose on their own to twist facts around. They take the information that they read and they make the decision to turn it around. It isn't about too much information being put out there at once. It's about how someone reads something and how they choose to absorb it and take it in. People view things differently but when it comes to spreading rumors and taking things out of context, well people do that on their own because they don't read the whole thing or hear the whole story and only fixate on certain points and pieces of it. Some have nothing better to do than seek out the flaws and imperfections in someone else's story and attempt to build themselves up by saying what they do or even telling the person, well be like so and so and do what they do. Oh no, you have no right to tell someone else to be like someone else! Just because so and so handled it a certain way does not mean that another person will handle it the same way. I don't tell people how to live their lives or even what to do when it comes to healing because I'm in no position to tell them what is best for them. They have to make the decision for themselves and choose the methods of healing that are best for them on their own because they are the only ones who know themselves and what they need in life. I can offer suggestions and share what I've done. However, the things that work for me won't necessarily work for someone else. What works for someone else may not work for me. That is why we cannot sit there and tell people how to live their lives. We should be focusing on our own lives and doing what we can to help others, without being judgmental and without forcing our views down other people's throats.

Not everyone is ready to speak out and share their story with the world. That is fine and it doesn't make you less of a person or weak or anything like that. It just means that you have not reached that point yet in your life where you are comfortable with telling your story to everyone. We're all at different stages in our lives but how far someone has made it in their healing journey should never be used as a comparison in order to act superior to those who are not quite as far as you are. For those of us who are ready to speak out, I will say it takes courage to make the decision to be a voice for others. You are going to open yourself to so much judgment and criticism from the outside world and even from other survivors. You are putting yourself out there so make sure you are prepared to handle the new challenges that are thrown your way. One thing I have had to learn is not to take things so personally and not take them so much to heart either. The best way to deal with accusations or assumptions thrown at you is to really look at what the person is saying. I have found that sometimes people lash out because they are hurting and it's the only way they know how to try to get help. They don't always mean to lash out or attack so instead of just replying back right away and saying something back, try to look at where they are coming from. Take a step back and look on the inside. I've had to read things two times, three times, etc. to really understand what someone is saying to me. Remember, people are still hurting and grieving over what they went through and lashing out is one way that people cry out for help.

Also when speaking out and being a voice for others, it takes a heart filled with compassion and understanding. I admit that sometimes it's not always easy for me to deal with people's anger being directed towards me. People want me to have all the answers when I don't and they expect me to always reply back to them right away. So you will have to deal with working under pressure because trust me, you're going to get people coming to you, wanting you to have answers to solve their problems and you'll have to be able to handle it and be patient. Don't feel bad that you don't have all the answers. No one holds all the answers to everything in life. You have to balance your time in dealing with things in your own personal life and in helping others in their time of need. But don't put your life on hold because it is important that you take care of you first. If you have to take a break and take a step back it is okay. It takes courage to speak out and stand up for what you believe in when you have others trying to bring you down, putting in their two cents, misunderstanding things you say, demanding your time and attention, twisting facts around on you, judging and condemning you, telling you how you should live your life, acting superior and trying to make you feel inferior with the work they are doing, competing with you in helping others, and these are just a few things to expect when speaking out and being a voice for others.

I deal with these things all the time but you know what, the work I do I would never trade in for anything else in the world. It does take courage to share your story and let your voice be heard in a world where abuse is ignored by society and ignorance blinds people to the truth. The truth can never be exposed though if we remain silent. Silence is not always a good thing. Silence can hurt us even more. What this world needs is people who have that courage and are not afraid to step up and stand up for the truth. Like it or not, we are all in this together so we should be helping one another out and working together. "United we stand, divided we fall." We need to be willing to unite together to make a change for the better and reach out to those lost. We need to unite together to speak out and serve as a voice for those who have gone unheard so that others may see the truth about what goes on in the lives of abuse victims and survivors; so they can see the battles we have to fight daily. One person can speak out and be heard, but the voices of many speaking out together provide even more strength. We know what it's like to have lived in silence and never been heard. Now is our time to speak out and speak on behalf of all survivors and victims out there so we can get for them the justice they deserve to have. Together our voices can come together, becoming one really loud voice that nobody can fail to hear. Being a voice for others is a decision that takes courage, but I believe that as survivors we all have that strength and courage inside us all ready. So let's use that courage and strength to rescue those in darkness and prevent more lives from being shattered apart by abuse.