Beyond The Surface: Understanding The Feelings of a Survivor

"Just because you were hurt by one person doesn't mean the next one is going to hurt you." This advice given to me by my best friend today echoes in my mind as I sit here thinking about my life and the barriers I often put up that keep people out. If it's one thing that I struggle with it is letting people close to me and letting my guard down when it comes to those who really do want to help me in life. I refer to this as the defense mechanism that we survivors often have after being hurt by people in the past. As I read this simple piece of advice given to me, it makes me realize that for a long time now I have been allowing fear to hold me back from taking chances to love again and to establish close friendships. For those of you who know someone who has been abused, whether you are their friend, parent, spouse, significant other, or just someone who cares about what they go through, it can be very frustrating to find yourself being shut out by them because they won't let you near them due to the defense mechanism that has been put into place.

This defense mechanism is nothing personal against you, though. One of the biggest battles in a survivor's life is learning to trust again and letting our guard down around people. The only life we have known is that of being hurt over and over again by those that we thought were there to protect us and keep us safe from harm. We gave them our heart and they took it and broke it into pieces by hurting us when they betrayed our trust. This is something that takes awhile for us to learn how to overcome in our lives when we start to heal. On the surface, we appear to be strong and we don't often show those emotions and feelings that are behind that smile of ours. Afraid to show people the fragile side of us and not wanting them to see the broken parts of us, we only show certain sides of us as we let people think that we are okay and nothing is wrong. Sometimes it is hard for us to go to people for help and let them help us because we are so used to doing things on our own and taking care of ourselves since some of us deal with abandonment issues from those who just walked out on us and never gave us a chance in life.

I'm just now beginning to see that I am doing the exact same thing to people in my life who want to be there for me. My fear has led me to believe that the next person is going to hurt me and of course, that is also my insecurity from the past whispering in my ear. I've always been the type that thought I could just handle everything on my own. People in my past have made the comment that when they tried to get close to me and tried to be there for me, I just pushed them away and not knowing what else to do or how to help me, they walked away. It is true that I have felt alone in my life for all these years, but the defense mechanism that I have up is causing me to isolate myself from those who want to be there for me. Instead, I find myself lapsing into that old bad habit of mine which is comparing them to those from my past who hurt me deeply. This isn't fair or right for me to do that, though, because there are those who don't want to hurt me and really care about me. For us survivors who have never really known what love is, been shown love in our lives, or even had anyone want to be there for us, we get scared when someone comes along who is different, sincere, kind, and not like the others. Yes, we do want that love and happiness, but there's that nagging fear in our minds that reminds us of the past and how everyone else left us behind and abandoned us as we had to struggle to find our own way in life.


For me the insecurities stem from the abuse that my father and my husband put me through. Neither one wanted me and when both left my life, I felt that I was just this worthless piece of trash that they decided to throw away. I embarked on my journey of healing as a survivor when I was 17 and left home for good. That journey of healing though had a major setback when I entered an abusive marriage when I was just 20 years old. The brainwashing that I was put through, the psychological abuse, the public humiliation, the verbal abuse, all of it has left scars on my heart that I often try to conceal from the outside world. There was a point in my life, right after my husband left, that I shut my heart down and gave up on love and happiness. It was easier for me to put the defense barriers up so that no one could hurt me again. Even now, I'm not sure how to ask for help from others since most of my life I have been let down and I have had to face battles on my own as I fought off those haunting demons of my past. I guess you could say that when it comes to my life, I have always been the superhero saving others and have never had anyone there to save me. Yes, I will admit it, I do need saving in my own life. But since I am so used to playing the role of being the one to help others, I forget to focus on myself and take care of my own needs. But we survivors are like that. We get so caught up in helping others, making sure that they don't go through what we went through, that we put our own selves on hold and we forget to take care of ourselves and make sure we get the care that we need. Then when others point that out, we don't want to hear it.

I admit, I don't always like to hear things about my personal life from others. Sometimes, I over react and take things the wrong way because I remember something from the past and I think that the person is judging me or criticizing me. I have had people tell me that I am too defensive and that I worry too much about what others say about me. I've also heard that I don't take advice from others that well when they are trying to help me. Now, there is a difference between helping someone and just pointing out their flaws as you make them feel bad about themselves, treating them as if they know nothing and making them feel inferior. I don't believe that you should make someone feel inferior or that they haven't done much in their lives; I don't believe in comparing stories, and I don't believe in putting people down either and making them feel that you are interrogating them or forcing things on them. I will own up to the fact that I don't always read things the right way and I do get defensive sometimes when people are trying to help me in a constructive manner. This comes from my past as well when my father and husband used to interrogate me all the time and put me on trial for everything. If I didn't answer right away, they'd get mad at me, often making me feel stupid. So many times I heard how I was delusional and needed to get help. It is for this reason that I get defensive sometimes when others tell me that I should get counseling or get help or take medications or anything like that. When I was younger, I was forced to go see psychologists because I was made to believe that everything was my fault. All the blame got placed on me and even when I tried to meet their expectations, they reminded me of how much I fell short of them. I think that for those of us who have gone through that treatment from our abusers, it is quite normal for us to have that defense mechanism immediately come into play when others try to give us advice and constructive criticism. Our first reaction is that they are trying to tell us how to live our lives and they are trying to point out everything that is wrong with us. Instead of really thinking about what they are telling us, we lash out. It's nothing personal against the person that is trying to help us though. It's just that we've been picked and prodded at so many times from our abusers that we just automatically lash out without meaning to. I am working on learning to see things from another person's perspective, put myself in their place, and try to break down what they are really saying so that I understand what they are really telling me instead of lashing out and attacking them.


I'm the type of person who does like to help others and try to help them heal. There have been relationships that I've been in where I gave up because the other person wouldn't allow me to be there for them and help me out. But it was something else that my best friend said to me that made me see yet another thing in my own life. He is the type that likes to help others and be there for them and he said that people shut him out and he never gets that chance to be there for them because someone hurt them before which had nothing to do with him but they shut him out because of that. Admittedly, I've kind of done the same thing to him without meaning to. When he said that to me, it opened my eyes to see that the same way that the friends from the past shut me out and wouldn't let me close enough to help them get through the tough times in their lives, I have been treating others the same way. I don't want to treat people that way. This is where I can identify with those of you who are trying to help someone but they just seem to keep pushing you away no matter how much you are there for them. I've been in that position before so I know what it's like. Believe me, I know how frustrating it can be to see someone you care about hurting and not being able to do anything about it because they won't let you in. You start feeling helpless as you watch them going through the pain and more than anything, you just want to tell them that it's going to be okay and you want to go back and erase all that pain that people from before have caused them. But the barriers they put up around their hearts prevent you from doing so. They may not mean to shut you out, either. But the memories rewind themselves in their minds and they are afraid of getting hurt again.

That's another thing I am learning to deal with. I always seem to have trouble letting my guard down around people. Out of bad habit yet again, I think okay, what do they want from me, what's their motive, are they going to hurt me too? Once again, those insecurities from the past rare their ugly heads and whisper into my ear not to trust the person or let them close to me; that it will be another mistake if I do so. When those insecurities pop up like that and remind us of all those who have hurt us, we end up pushing people away and put up an emotional blockade around our hearts. I'll come out and say this, right now, there is someone in my life that I like. Yes, it does scare me to take a chance on the friendship and see where it leads to because I am not used to anyone really seeing me for me and wanting to be there. This person means a lot to me and he's different and not like the others in my life, but the thing that keeps getting in my way is fear. It is my own fear from the past that is holding me back from taking this chance to possibly be with someone that treats me well and appreciates me for me and sees the worth in me that I don't see. I don't even know for sure if this friend has the same feelings for me, but yes I do like him. Today my insecurities got in the way and I think I let my pride get in the way because I tried to push him away without meaning to. He was trying to help me deal with things in my life and I shut him out because I found myself having those feelings of fear again. This is a note to those who are dating a survivor or who like a survivor but have never gone through abuse in their own lives. When it comes to dating a survivor, there will be times that we may put those defenses up and we may start feeling that we are not good enough and that this is too good to be true. The reason is that we have not been shown love in our lives before and a part of us is afraid and a part of us wants to run away from it because running away is something we've known when it comes to dating and comes to someone good coming into our life. It has nothing to do with you. We just still have those fragile parts that are still healing and we are afraid to show you that side because we don't want to get hurt and we don't want you to leave. We really do want you to stay but we're not sure how to always let you know our real feelings and emotions that we are dealing with so we have a hard time opening up sometimes. But if you truly love the person, be patient, show them that you care, and let them know everyday how much you love them and that you are not going to leave. Show them that you are not going to leave but that you are there to walk beside them and fight those haunting demons off. If the person is worth it to you, stay. Stay even if they put those walls up, stay and break through those walls. You know the best way to break through those walls is to keep showing them what real love is as you prove that you are not like the person who hurt them before. When they see that, they'll start opening up more but it does take time and patience.


Yes, we survivors have so many emotions and feelings that we often hide. Really, though, none of us want to be alone in life. We all want to be happy and be loved. We all want to know that there is someone out there who cares about us. It's just that we don't always know how to come and say it or even show it. It takes someone compassionate, caring, understanding, loving, etc. to look beyond the surface to really understand those feelings and emotions that we hide away. It takes someone who can hear our hearts' silent cry and is willing to answer it. To those helping survivors to heal, keep on being there for them. Don't walk away because then that makes you like the ones that have hurt them previously. No matter how long it takes, stay right there beside them, take their hand, and walk down that road of life with them as you help mend their broken hearts and repair their damaged wings for flight again. For my fellow survivors who struggle with trusting and who struggle with letting people close, please don't keep isolating yourselves from others because you think that the next person is going to hurt you. It's like my best friend said, just because one person has hurt you before doesn't mean the next one is going to hurt you. Don't let fear hold you back from establishing close friendships and being in a healthy relationship with someone wonderful. Fear keeps us from knowing what our lives can really be like. So take chances and don't be afraid to let people help you. We all need someone in life to be there for us. It takes courage though to open our hearts and let love in again. However, it is worth it. Just like we don't want to be judged for what we have been through or have people compare their stories to us, we shouldn't assume things about others and we shouldn't compare them to those who have hurt us. We need to give them a chance first to see how they truly are as we get to know them for who they are.