Emotional Abandonment and Neglect

The majority of the time when I write about my childhood, I mostly write only about the physical abuse and the brainwashing that I went through. But there was more to my childhood than that. When people think of child abuse, it's always the physical abuse that comes to mind. There are other factors that play into child abuse though such as abandonment and neglect. Just as domestic violence is not only about just physical abuse, child abuse is not only about the physical aspect either.

There was only a brief period in my childhood, the period before the abuse started, that my parents ever actually took an interest in what I did. It was the only time in my life where we didn't put on an act to look like this happy family in public because we were truly happy spending time together. Back then, my parents encouraged me to go for my dreams and there really wasn't much fighting that went on in the house. Sure, they had their little arguments here and there, but it was the only period where the arguments were minor and didn't escalate into violence. My dad had a good job and was happy with it, my mom was involved with the Parent Teacher Association at my elementary school and planned activities for my classroom, even holidays were a fun time. It was definitely a different time and a different place for my family. Those were the days that my father was truly proud of me for achievements and accomplishments. All too soon, though, that period of my life was over with and I had to grow up faster than I wanted.

Once the abuse started, things changed for the worse. The once happy family was now a miserable, hurting, heartbroken family. I honestly don't know what hurt me more, the physical abuse or the abandonment and neglect that followed it. My parents made it clear that they didn't want me around. After my mom fell into her deep depression, she just kind of faded away in my life. I don't even think my parents really noticed what went on when it came to who I hung out with at school or even cared about my grades and that they were slipping. They weren't concern about my self infliction problem and weren't even worried about me being gone for hours at a time and coming back home after dark which meant I was roaming the streets on my own after dark when I was 16. None of that mattered to them. When I was at home, I stayed in my room and made sure I was out of their way. They never asked me how things were going or how school was. They hardly spoke to me unless they were yelling at me and telling me how much they didn't want me and how they wanted to get rid of me or making me repeat things back to them like how much of a failure and disappointment I was to them. I felt the sting of rejection and I knew they didn't want me.

When the whole incident occurred where my father was falsely accused at work for sexually harassing a woman he worked with, my mother became this needy, insecure woman. If I thought that the neediness and insecurity had shown a little bit in her before, that was nothing compared to how she fell apart after that incident. She completely broke down and lost it. She stopped being a mom all together. She clung to my father more than ever and I wondered how he could even breathe with her smothering him like she did. She made sure I didn't go near him. It was really strange because they went from abusing one another to suddenly acting like newlyweds who were totally in love after that whole incident. It actually went back and forth, from hate to love from love to hate. People actually would make remarks to my brother when they went to his cross country meets that my parents looked like newlyweds with how loving they were towards each other. Eventually, though, they stopped going to our sporting events and we were actually left to take care of ourselves. They would tell us that they had no money to spend on us but yet my parents would always go out to eat and my mom would go out on shopping sprees, buying herself new clothes all the time. When I attended the private Christian school they wanted me to go to and I could only wear dresses or skirts there, my mom made me four dresses and I had to make them last.

For a time my parents did control my life, picking everything out from the college I attended to the guys they wanted me to date. Now, I had someone the other day read about how my parents picked out the college I attended and without knowing the whole story behind it, said well at least your parents had dreams for you to attend college and get your education. Obviously, they made an assumption based on one sentence without knowing the whole story. My mom pulled me out of the private Christian school and homeschooled me. My father had lost his job and was looking for a new job and my mother was working at the college that I later attended. I was only 16 years old and I taught myself actually. My mom didn't even really take the time to check my homework. She wrote out in a notebook my lesson plans but would tell me to double up on my work. She wanted me out of the house so bad that she had me finish my 10, 11, and 12 grade years of highschool in 6 months time. That is a lot of work to be doing at one time and the effect of cramming all that work was that my mind couldn't retain all that knowledge. When I made bad grades on a few of my tests, they let me study again and re do the tests, keeping the better score. My parents didn't help me with my work if I had questions. I had to just get through it on my own. I probably did about 10 hours of schoolwork a day and ended up graduating at 16. The reason why my parents chose the college they did for me is because they wanted me out of the house and since they didn't want to get in trouble for just throwing me out on the streets before I turned 18, they picked a Christian college for me to attend that they had worked at. I was only at that college for one semester because even though I was on the work study program I couldn't afford to keep going there. Now, if my parents really had this dream of me attending college and getting my education, they would have helped pay my tuition but they didn't. I went back home after that semester and of course, nothing had changed when it came to how I was treated. Once again, I was an invisible fly on the wall. I did work about 40 hours a week but they stole the money from me and I didn't see a dime of it.

At one time my family did attend family counseling but that was a joke. Counseling doesn't work unless you have an open mind and you don't fight it but want to go. Even with the family counseling, nothing changed and things were just the same. Throughout my childhood, all I ever heard was how I wasn't good enough, how I was a mistake, how they didn't want me, etc. To this day, I have abandonment issues because of how my parents just stopped being there for me and walked out of my life. I have trust issues and other insecurities because of it. I know I didn't have the worst case of neglect and abandonment, but nonetheless, it left its effects on me by having parents who showed no interest in my life and quit being there. I guess you could say that in my case it was more emotional abandonment. To this day, I still fight the insecurities left behind. It's hard for me to let people close to me because I don't want to get hurt and I'm afraid they'll just walk out on me. My parents never said I love you to me so I have a hard time accepting love from others. It's hard for me to open up to people even and it's hard for me to take the hand that is reached out to me since I took care of myself and it was always me watching out for myself growing up. When someone says they'll be my family or that they are there for me whenever I need them, I kind of just shy away and don't know how to respond. It's nothing against those who want to help me; it's just that the only way of life I've ever known is one of being alone and on my own. I think for those of us who have been alone and on our own most of our lives, having only ourselves to depend on in order to survive, it's harder for us to ask for help when we need it and it's harder for us to know how to accept love from others since that is something that was missing in our lives.

It's hard to explain really, but for me I am still at that point in my life where I'm trying to find myself again and where I belong. Since none of my family has been honest with me about things, I am finding out answers on my own. A part of me is restless and still wandering around in life. I look around and see families that are happy together and see couples in love and I honestly can't relate to that. Sadly, as strong as I may appear to others, I don't know what real love and happiness are because I can't even remember the last time I truly felt them. I think that's probably part of the reason why I've been in relationships where the guys have gotten frustrated and upset with me and just left. It's probably because I can be distant at times and not really reciprocate love so they feel that I don't love them. Same with why some of my friendships haven't turned out, either. People think that I'm not there enough or that I'm pushing them away when they try to help. These are areas in my life that I am still working on. But I believe these issues stem from growing up in a broken home where I was emotionally abandoned and had to fight on my own to survive. I've gotten this far in my life on my own; I haven't had family to help me out along the way. But now that I'm pushing away the negative influences that I need to and those causing drama that only brings me down, I can begin to allow the positive ones in and learn how to ask for help and allow myself to be happy and to be loved if that even makes sense. I know that as a survivor, I am continuing to grow as I allow myself to heal more.

This is why I think it is so important that kids grow up in loving homes. A parent doesn't necessarily have to say anything to the kid for the kid to know and feel that they are unwanted. Kids can pick up on things and they aren't oblivious to what goes on around them. We're all familiar with the phrase, "Actions speak louder than words." Sometimes actions do speak louder than words. Body language and a person's actions say a lot about them. When parents neglect their kids and don't say I love you or tell them how much they're proud of them or care about them, they sense that rejection. At a young age, they may not understand why their parents don't want them and they'll blame themselves for it, thinking it's something they're doing wrong or that they are causing their parents problems. But they feel the pain and the sting of the parents rejecting them and pushing them away. Parents should love and cherish their kids. They should spend time with them and ask them how their day is going.

Don't push your children away. They're a special, priceless gift that should be treasured. Be there when they are little to wipe away their tears, to bandage those scraped up knees, to help them with their schoolwork, to tuck them in bed and read to them, etc. When they enter their teenage and adolescent years, continue to be there to support them in their dreams and goals. Take an interest in their lives. They still need you there and they still need guidance and direction even when they are grown up. You don't just stop being parents when your kids are grown and starting their own families. My parents stopped being parents long before I ever left home and I've seen how it effects me to this day. That's why I am so passionate about speaking out against child abuse. I don't want other kids to have to grow up in a home like I did where my parents didn't love me or care about me. To all the parents out there, always be there for your children and never stop being there for them. Sure, they're going to make mistakes in life and do things you may not agree with, but none of us are perfect. But still be there to help them back up when they fall. Don't just stop loving them. No kid should have to grow up alone and face things on their own. They shouldn't have to grow up so fast and have to learn to take care of themselves and fend for themselves at such a young age. Emotional abandonment and neglect hurts for a lifetime. Love your kids, be there for them, help them grow along the way, but don't abandon and neglect them. They need you no matter how old they are. Love, cherish, teach, guide, direct, encourage, help, and comfort- those are the things needed in a child's life. Otherwise, when they grow up, and if you weren't there for them, they may end up resenting you for it later on and when you finally come around to where you realize you were wrong and try to make things right, they may not be there for you anymore. So families, love each other and look after each other no matter where your life takes you. Hold onto each other because that's what will help you get through those tough times, knowing that you have a loving, caring family that supports you no matter what happens because you know they'll always be there.