Emerging From The Darkness

Memories, little things that can be quite haunting at time. Although I love the Fall weather, it always brings with it bad memories of events that happened in my past. The abuse I went through usually took place during the Fall and the holiday season. Although people tell me not to worry about the memories and to just focus on other things and not let the memories consume me, it is not that easy. When you've gone through traumatic events in your life, there's no way that you are going to completely block it out for good. I try to focus on the good memories to block out the bad memories.

The holiday season is the toughest on me because well, I've never really had a great family holiday season, being that I am not close to my family. My memories of childhood holidays consist of times my parents would yell, my father throwing things and shattering dishes, my father threatening to leave my mom, arguing and a lot of fighting as well. It took the joy away from the holiday season. I admit that I am jealous of people who are close with their families and who are in loving relationships or marriages. Why? Well, it's not that I am jealous of the person; in fact, I'm happy that others can know this happiness in their own lives. However, as a girl who has always been the one thrown away all the time, cast to the side, and unwanted, I am jealous that they know what true love is and have those in their lives who care about them and love them so much. Not knowing what true love is and having never really heard the words I love you from anyone including my parents, I sometimes wonder what it must be like to know that love that comes from someone who really cares about you, cherishes you, and appreciates you for you.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been if I had never gone through the abuse. Maybe if my parents would have shown me love, I wouldn't have been left alone most of my life to figure things out on my own. Instead I had to fight my battles on my own and try to make it through life myself. If I wanted to get anywhere in life, it required me to fight to survive. Well, in a household turned battlefield, fighting to survive was vital if I hoped to get out alive. So many times I would dream of what my life would be like if I had freedom. At 15 years old, sitting on a bench overlooking Lake Michigan and being able to see a little bit of Chicago on the other side, I wondered what lay on the other side and what lay beyond the horizon. As it grew dark, I would reluctantly go home, knowing that there I faced being ignored and if I was noticed, it was when my parents would take their anger out on me.

The ironic thing is that I came from a religious home. When my family moved to Florida, both my parents worked for a Christian College. However, my parents controlled every aspect of my life, not allowing me to watch television or even listen to the radio because they believed that television and rock music were evil. They would often go through my things and if they saw something that they thought was bad, they would confiscate it and later burn it, claiming they were ridding our house of evil. Some of the things they considered to be evil included a Backstreet Boys poster I had, a Backstreet Boys cd a friend gave me (yes, back then I was a big Backstreet Boys fan), some teen celebrity magazine I had bought at a school book fair, and even a book on my family history that my grandfather had put together. They even took away my diary and threw it out after reading it as well as taking my binder filled with writings. I had no privacy whatsoever.

To the outside world, my parents were viewed as saints. Often people told me that I was very fortunate to have such good parents who cared about me. They wouldn't have said that had they known how life was behind the Linch family household walls. Even when my parents found out about my self infliction problem after a girl at the Christian school I attended went to the Principal about it and told him I was telling everyone I was going to commit suicide, my parents were not concerned about getting help for me. The only thing I heard from them was that their reputation was being ruined and destroyed as parents because of these pranks I was pulling to get attention. They blamed me for making them look bad as parents. Even when I moved out at 17, I still struggled with things in my life. The road I found myself on was one leading to a dead end.

I barely had anything to my name when I left to move back to Florida since at the time I was living in South Carolina with my parents. Some people from a church I used to attend agreed to take me in. But they soon got rid of me because the wife had problems with me and for some reason didn't really like me. The couple had a 2 year old son, a 3 year old son, and a newborn baby girl. The wife told me that having me there was like looking after another kid. So, the church and this was the same church that later threw my brother out because he was going to a public college and had his ears pierced and a few tattoos, paid for me to stay in a motel for 3 nights until my bus left for Dallas since my aunt and uncle agreed to let me stay with them. I found out later my parents had sent me money to buy snacks on the bus trip, but those people I stayed with stole that money and never gave it to me. I lived with my aunt and uncle for awhile before going back to Florida again.

I think that my life started hitting rock bottom starting in 2005. I lost respect for myself and ended up dating men I shouldn't have dated. I drank to try to drown out my depression and get my mind off things. The previous year, I had tried to OD and actually later on I would try it again, I could barely afford to pay my rent and went days without eating, and I honestly had no idea where my life was going. I would say that from 2005 to about 2007, yes it is that recent, that I really struggled in my life. I think it was during those two years of my life that I wanted to give up and was close to quitting and throwing my life away. I wanted to get rid of the painful memories but I found myself in an abusive marriage from April of 2006 to January of 2007. During those times, I starved myself and found myself in the hospital with kidney problems, I picked up my self infliction habit again, and I pretty much just wanted to die. I could not see light at the end of the tunnel with all the pain I was going through. I saw darkness and I soon found myself trapped in darkness.

My self infliction problem started getting out of hand. I would lock myself in the bathroom, turn off the lights, and sit there in the dark, not daring to open the door because I didn't want to face my husband. I was afraid of him like I had been afraid of my dad at one time. Trying to rid myself of the emotional pain, I would cut to feel physical pain. Despite what people may say about self inflictors not fully understanding why they self inflict, I knew exactly why I was doing it. I picked up the habit when I was 13 and it took me years to overcome it. But I knew that I was doing it to rid myself of the emotional pain I felt inside and I knew I was using it as a way to punish myself because my abusers led me to believe that I was hurting them and destroying them when they were the ones hurting me. So I was very much aware of why I was self inflicting. However, I started losing control and would black out in the bathroom after doing it. I had no one to help me and I was afraid to tell anyone about the self infliction because I knew how people viewed self inflictors, often judging them and labeling them as freaks. I suffered through it on my own. I found myself feeling numb inside and part of me wanted to die so the pain would go away, but another part of me wanted to live and find a way out.

The darkness completely engulfed me and I watched my life spiraling out of control. I was scared and looking in the mirror, I no longer really knew who I was anymore. I felt myself slipping off the edge of life . Just as my mom had gone through severe depression when I was growing up, I started sinking into severe depression. When I was a kid, I used to cry myself to sleep at night. Well, once again, I cried myself to sleep at night. I hated the person I was becoming. I yearned for a way out from all of this. I knew if I continued to stay on this path, I would eventually completely destroy myself. I didn't want to hurt myself and I knew I didn't want to really die. When my husband and I separated, I began to find myself again. I began to rebuild what was left of my life and the shattered pieces of my heart. I knew that if I wanted to survive, I was going to still have to fight. I would have to battle these bad memories that came to mind and I would have to make positive changes in my life.

So that is exactly what I did. Finding the strength deep within me, I used that strength to pull myself out of the darkness. I started making positive changes in my life by starting with cleaning out my drama closet. Anyone who only brought me down in life and served as a negative influence, I dismissed from my life. I surrounded myself with positive people who encouraged me in my journey rather than just tear me down. I looked on the bright side of life and thought about all the things I had going for me. I continued to write and put out more books. I did what I could to take my mind off those urges that were calling my name. I gave up drinking for good since it made me someone I didn't want to be. I made the decision to stay single so I could focus on my work, my dreams, and my goals. Instead of comparing myself to others and feeling jealous that they had close family ties and good marriages and relationships, I concentrated on the friends in my life who do love me and are there for me and I counted the blessings in my life. I learned to love myself again and appreciate myself. When I started Rising Above, I found something that made me feel alive and something I could devote my time to so I wouldn't think about the past. Using Rising Above to help other survivors and victims actually has helped me as well. When I read the stories submitted by other survivors, it inspires me to keep going and to keep fighting in life. I know that I can't just give up and I don't want to return to that darkness that once held me prisoner and sentenced me to silence.

I've learned not to take my life for granted. I've learned to appreciate the good things in my life and not dwell on the bad. I've learned to make the most of my life and to take those chances and risks. I've learned to get rid of negative influences and fake friends who only want to take advantage of me. I've learned to take life one day at a time, one step at a time when it comes to healing. I've learned that I'm not alone in what I go through because I do have friends who care about me. I've also learned not to make people a priority who only make me an option and to not worry about the people from the past who walked out and didn't stay to make it to my present and future. I don't want to trade in my life because I have finally found my way back to the light. People may try to bring me down, they may say things about me, but as long as I know who I am and believe in myself and what I am doing, then I won't find myself back on that road leading to a dead end. I did overcome my self infliction problem. For the self inflictors out there, don't ever think that you can't overcome it. I think it is a myth when people say self inflictors have a disease that they can't be cured from and that they will never get over this habit. If alcoholics can overcome their drinking problems, if drug addicts can break their habit and stop taking drugs, then why can't self inflictors break their habit as well? What I'm saying is that if you want to stop and take the steps to break the habit, you can do it. It is not impossible. Nothing is impossible when you believe in yourself. I know that addictions are hard to break. But I also know that it is possible. Just don't get mad at yourself if you slip up. That does not make you a bad person. When I started to break my cutting habit, I did have those times where I slipped up after going so long without doing it. So don't be hard on yourself if you do slip up. A habit is something that you are not going to break right away; it takes time and hard work to overcome it but as long as you are willing to do what you can and get the help that you need to overcome it, you will gain victory in your life.

Your life may start out rough and you may find yourself in tough situations. Don't give up though. Focus on your dreams and goals, follow your heart and let it guide you to your destination and calling, and make the most of your life because if it's another thing I have learned it's that it's never too late to get that life that we've always wanted. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. You've all ready come a long way in your life and you are a survivor in life. I know that some people do not like the term survivor. Some people think that they have not survived anything. But I believe that living in itself and making it day to day is surviving. So therefore, I think that we are all survivors in life since we've all experienced things and we've all seen things. At some point in our lives, we've all had to overcome obstacles that were in our way. So we are all survivors of life. Don't lose focus on your dreams and goals. My life didn't start out great, but I kept fighting to survive and now here I am, making the most out of what I have. I have no regrets and I can honestly say that my life is worth it. Find that light in your life and hold onto those good memories for they will help you on your way to healing and discovering your calling and destination.