In Our Shoes

If there's one thing that really gets me upset is when people who haven't gone through abuse sit there and judge others who have gone through it. Then you have the people who will say that one type of abuse is worse then another type when they are all very damaging. Every type of abuse has its own damaging affects and leave alot of emotional scars. I just hate when people will say that someone deserved to go through abuse and did something to deserve it. Nobody deserves to go through abuse and no one should have to suffer through it. Yet so many times I hear people tell abuse victims and survivors that they deserved to go through it and stuff like that. They treat victims and survivors as outsiders just because they have never gone through it so they don't understand what it's like to endure it. I think that if they would stop and put themselves in our shoes for a day then they would truly understand and see for themselves what we go through on a daily basis. They would experience the flashbacks, the haunting memories, the anxiety attacks, the self-infliction, and all the other damaging after-affects of abuse.

Growing up, I went through abuse as a child. I saw my dad abuse my mom all the time. I never realized exactly how my mom felt or what she went through during all those abusive and violent arguments they had. Of course, I was just a kid at the time but I knew it wasn't right how my dad treated me and my mom. It did make me upset back then when he would mistreat her and she ended up going into depression and cried alot. I knew my dad drove her to that point. The abuse I went through, I thought I somehow deserved and that I had brought it upon myself. It didn't help that my parents brainwashed me and told me that I was a bad kid. I went through most of my childhood hating the girl I was. I felt so ugly and so worthless inside. After I moved out of my house, I told myself that I would never allow a man to hurt me and treat me the way my father treated my mother. I was not going to be a victim like she was. Even though my parents told me I'd marry someone abusive, I didn't believe them. I thought I would fall in love with a wonderful man, get married, and live happily ever after. How wrong I was.

I got married in April of 2006. I had known my husband for about 3 years before we got married. It's true that I failed to tell him about the self-infliction problem I had in the past although he did know about the anxiety attacks. I even had a few anxiety attacks before we got married. I had overcome the self-infliction and had stopped for quite awhile. Well, the arguments that took place in my marriage resulted in alot of violence. I do blame myself for starting them. My husband would say something that I didn't like or do something I didn't like and rather then talking in a calm manner, I would explode. However, I did get to the point that I would walk away so things wouldn't get worse. He would put me down and bring up stuff from my past. It would make me so mad and I would end up lashing out even more. He even followed me when I walked away and continued to put me down. I endured alot of verbal and emotional abuse from him. There were times in the marriage where he would choke me, throw things at me, close me in a closet,hit me in the face, twist my arm, among other things. Every time I would say I was going to the police, he would come after me, saying that this wasn't him, that it wouldn't happen again, and that he wouldn't hurt me again. So I would give in and give him another chance. After every fight I would feel guilty about what happened and blame myself for it, that I would lock myself into the bathroom and begin self-inflicting. Let me just say right now to all the women and men out there, that nobody is worth being with when they drive you to the point you want to end your life and you end up hurting yourself because they place all the blame on you and as a result you think it's all your fault. If you are in a relationship or marriage where that happens, then get out. Don't put yourself in that situation. He would just watch me self-inflict though and even taped it. He never tried to get me any help. Instead I was told I was a freak and should be locked up.

Right before he left for Iraq (he's in the Air Force), I found out that he had been talking to his first love for a long time during our marriage. They broke up in 2004 but he told me he still had feelings for her. He said they were meant to be together and that he wanted to get back with her. He knew how I felt about him talking to her. She wrote me a note saying she respected our marriage and was never going to act on her feelings. She had other guys interested in her yet she chose to go after my husband. Had she truly respected the marriage, she would have backed off and not baited him with her words. She told him that the other guys didn't compare to him because she still had feelings for him. I don't care what anyone says, I blame both of them for this. He gave in to her, and she tempted him. He also said he couldn't stand being with someone from an abusive past and even labeled abuse victims and survivors. Even now, being over there in Iraq, he will write me emails and try to turn this all on me. The other night, he sent me some songs that were depressing when I was in a bad mood and then he sent me this one song that I absolutley hate and he knows I hate that type of music. Well, his response was it's been awhile. Ok, he was married to me for 9 months before he went over there. You don't just forget that quickly what type of music your spouse likes and dislikes. Obviously he never paid that much attention to me because his first love was always on his mind. Well needless to say we are getting a divorce although he says that he doesn't want me to leave and he wants to be with me. Yet, he turned around in the same conversation and said that I don't trust him so I must not love him. Well, it's hard to trust someone who betrays it and walks out on you for someone else. I now know what my mother went through with my father and how she felt every single day. I'm not going to stay with someone who abuses me. I don't even know how he's going to be when he gets back. I do know that I am moving on with my life.

I know all too well how painful abuse is and how damaging the effects are. I still find myself thinking about things I went through as a child and I still think about what my husband put me through. I start thinking about those things and it makes me mad because I know it wasn't my fault and that I didnt deserve that kind of treatment. That is why I hate when people sit there and tell us victims and survivors that we deserved it. We never asked for it and we never did anything to deserve the abuse. Yet we are treated as outcasts because of what we went through. We are mocked, ridiculed, put down because of ignorant people who don't understand what it's like to go through abuse. I just wish they would take the time to put themselves in our shoes. They would then see firsthand what the pain is like. We are not freaks at all. We are human beings just like everyone else; the only difference is that we have been forced to grow up faster and deal with more things in our lives. We have had to fight even harder to get where we are today in our lives. But we are not inferior to the rest who haven't gone through it. We are just as special and beautiful as they are. People don't stop to think what it would be like if they were in the same situation. Instead, they walk away and shun that which they do not understand. Rather then trying to understand it and put themselves in the person's position and situation, they act like they are better and treat the others like they are nothing.

I haven't been through everything in life, but as an abuse survivor who has survived child abuse and domestic violence, I do understand how damaging it is and the pain it leaves behind along with the emotional scars. I'm always here to listen and I will not judge anyone or put anyone down because I know that no one deserves to suffer abuse. It is not and never was your fault. I try to put myself in other people's shoes so that I can better understand what they went through or are going through. When I put myself in their shoes and in their place, it helps me to be able to encourage them and be there for them, helping them to fight through it. If only people would take that time to understand and be there for others, maybe there wouldn't be so many people going through depression and wanting to end their lives because they feel no one understands or cares. They know that if it happened to them, they would want someone to be there for them and reach out a hand to them. To really help someone out, it helps to put yourself in their shoes. Maybe one day people will quit letting ignorance blind them and open their eyes to see how abuse tears innocent lives apart and shatters hearts. It is my dream and goal to help stop the abuse that goes on. I'm never going to quit fighting in life to stop the abuse. I am very passionate about the subject. I am not going to quit using my voice to speak out about the abuse I went through and how harmful abuse is. Once a fighter and survivor, always a fighter and survivor. Don't give up on the fight to stop the abuse. Standing strong together and coming together as victims and survivors to use our voices to share our stories, we can make a huge difference and put a stop to all this.