Easier Said Than Done

If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's when people will tell me to just "get over" my past. The other night I received an email from a lady who had stumbled upon my author profile. I don't know where she came across it, but for some reason she felt the need to send me a note to tell me to get over my past. In the note, she said that she had been through everything in her life and that she knew first hand how damaging abuse can be. Then she told me to forgive those who hurt me and that my profile read that I was a victim. She went on to tell me that I need to get over my past and that sometimes silence is the best. She had the nerve to tell me that others have it worse then me. The whole note really made me mad. First off, she doesn't know what I went through growing up. Secondly, I never act like I had it worse then anyone else. I do know that others have it far worse then I ever did. Thirdly, she obviously didn't really read my profile or she would have seen that I use my experiences to actually help survivors and victims heal from the things they went through and encourage them in life. I do not act like a victim. Trust me, I went through the victim role in my childhood and then later on in my marriage. However, I fought hard to get where I am today and maintain that survivor role. For her to just sit there and say that I am a victim and I need to get over the past and that others have it worse then me upset me alot.

So many times I hear people say "get over it" and say that others have or had it worse then I did. Well, when someone is going through abuse, whatever type of abuse it may be, they are not thinking about what others are going through. They are focused on the pain they feel at the time and the abuse they are suffering. The last thing on their mind is that someone else out there is going through something alot worse then they are. To that person going through the abuse, they feel that they have it worse then others. That's how it seems to them. In all honesty, you cannot compare the abuse you went through to the abuse someone else went through because it all affects us differently. Every form of abuse, whether it be mental, sexual, physical, emotional, etc, is damaging and leaves scars behind. I've talked to many victims and survivors of abuse and have heard so many different stories. Alot of them have gone through worse then I have. I'm not saying that what I went through wasn't bad and that it hasn't left its scars on me, but there are times when I am talking to a victim or survivor and hear their story and it makes me see that yes, I had it a little better then others. Then again, abuse is abuse and all of it is bad. No form of abuse is better then another. It all causes pain and damage.

People handle the things they went through in their own way. Everyone's situation is different and everyone has their own way of healing. Just because one person can get over what they went through at a fast rate does not mean that someone else can. I know that the best way for me to heal from my past is to talk about it. I kept things locked up inside for a long time since I never had anyone there for me to talk to about the abuse when I was growing up. Even when I went through the abuse in my marriage, I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. Instead, I tried to push everything to the side, thinking it would all get better and just go away. No matter what anyone says, I do not believe that silence is ever the best. I believe that silence can be your worse enemy. I lived my life in silence for so long. The silence only hurt me even more and caused me to have even more emotional pain. By keeping quiet about the things I went through, I was only hurting myself more. Silence does not accomplish anything. I use to pretend that nothing happened to me and that it would all get better so I kept my mouth shut. Yet, the silence tore me up inside. Silence traps you, making you feel more of a victim. I know it's not always easy to speak out about what you went through. It wasn't easy for me to start talking about the abuse I went through. It does take alot of courage, strength and determination to speak out. When you speak out, you do open yourself up to alot of criticism, misunderstanding, hate, cruelty, among other things. So you have to be mentally prepared to face all that when you choose to use your voice to speak out. The only way that you can help others and help stop the abuse is by speaking out. There are so many people out there that are hurting and feeling lost and alone, wanting to give up, because they feel no one understands. If only more people would start speaking out, then these others would know that they are not alone and we could save lives that have been torn mericlessly apart from the abuse they have gone through.

For a long time, I thought that I had finally reached a point in my life where I had moved on for good from my past. I thought I had finally overcome the anxiety attacks. I told myself that I would not allow another person to put me through the abuse my father put me through. The anxiety attacks and the self-infliction stopped for awhile. Then I got married and my husband's true colors shone through. A person's true colors eventually show no matter how hard they may try to hide it. Although I blamed myself for the divorce and for the marriage falling apart, I realize that it was not my fault. My husband has anger issues that he hasn't resolved. True, sometimes I was the one who started the fights, but instead of just walking away and leaving me alone when I got angry, he pushed me and made me even more angry to where I finally exploded. Then the violence would begin. I remember times that I would walk off and he'd follow me, putting me down still. He never tried to get me help or understand what I went through. As a result, my self-infliction problem started up again. I would close myself in the bathroom after every fight, feeling guilty for hurting him when he had hurt me. Many times it got to the point where I wanted to just end my life. Let me just say this, nobody, I don't care who they are, is worth being with if they drive you to the point that you hurt yourself and want to end your life. If you find yourself in that position, then get out immediately. I should have gone to the police and reported what was going on, but just like when I was younger, I was too afraid of what would happen to me and I feared being locked up. Last night, I talked to my mom on the phone about the divorce. I told her how my husband was violent and she told me that I should have gone to the police. She was like, Jenna, you don't need to be with someone who is violent. I was surprised that my mom said that because I know what she went through with my dad when I was growing up. I guess I know how my mom felt all those years.

I just wish that people would quit labeling abuse victims and survivors. It's so easy for someone who has not gone through abuse to tell us to just "get over it." If they went through abuse, though, they wouldn't be saying that. Then again, there are abuse survivors who will sit there and tell other survivors and victims to just get over it when they have experienced abuse. People need to put themselves in someone else's shoes and realize that everyone's situation is different. The pain that we feel is different from anyone else's. How people handle their pain and deal with their past and how long it takes for them to heal is different. So when people sit there and say "get over it," they need to try to put themselves in the other person's shoes and try to live one day in their life. I bet if someone did that and lived one day in the life of another person, they would understand better what that person is going through. Until you really get to know someone and find out about what they have experienced in their life, then I believe you have no right to tell them to "get over it." There are things that my friends have gone through that I haven't gone through in my life, but I don't sit there and tell them, hey you need to just forget about it and move on. I know that due to the scars left behind from abuse and how horrifying it is, you don't and can't just forget what you went through. True, you can try to block it out, but the reminders are always there. The key is to just keep on fighting in life to get where you want to be and realize that you have a future waiting for you that does not have to reflect the past. Life is not lived by dwelling on the past, but looking to the future. Often times, though, I find myself remembering all that happened to me.

You just have to take all of it one day at a time. I take stuff one step at a time. Even though I do have emotional scars left on my heart and even though my heart has been shattered into pieces, I know that I am not destroyed. The other night a friend of mine told me that I was damaged goods because of all that I have been through. I dont like the term "damaged goods." I don't know, whenever someone tells me I'm damaged goods, it just makes me feel less signifcant and makes me feel that I will never be anything more then a victim when in my heart I know that I have survived so much and fought to get this far. I just think that "damaged goods" is labeling. True, we as abuse survivors and victims have been through alot in our lives, but the fact that we are still here standing strong means that we fought hard to overcome obstacles in our way. I know that I have a broken heart, but I don't really see myself as damaged. I see myself rather as someone who is healing and rising above in life to help others out and be a light in their life, giving them hope and faith again. I may be broken inside but I am not destroyed and I am not finished helping others. People who want to cause me drama and try to tell me what to do can bring it because I am not backing down to anyone or anything. If I backed down, I would be giving all those haters out there the victory over me and I choose to win in life, not lose. Although sometimes by losing you actually win in life. I lost a husband who didn't care about me or love me in this divorce, but I won because I am with someone who understands what I have been through and loves me for the woman I am and overlooks the scars to see the inner beauty. You know, if people would stop labeling and actually overlook the scars, they would see how beautiful the person truly is. Instead they let ignorance blind them to the real beauty inside others. Things they don't understand they are scared of and that is why they walk away.

Don't listen to others who tell you to just "get over it." You are the only one who knows what you went through and you know what is best for you to do in order to heal. Nobody else lived your life so how can they tell you to just get over it when they didn't go through the exact same thing you did? The only way they could say that to you is if they actually lived a day in your life. Our lives are all different. Just be who you are and continue to shine in life. It's always easier said then done when people haven't experienced what you have. So don't let them bring you down. Enjoy your life and make every moment count. All those haters out there who let ignorance blind them and who can't accept others who have gone through tough times, well they can just get over themselves. Keep fighting in life and keep on surviving. You've made it this far all ready so you know you will continue to go even further.