From Daughter To Mother

Well I wrote a letter to my dad and I thought that this time I would write one to my mom. It wasn't that easy for me to write it, but it did give me a chance to say things that I always wanted to say to her. I guess I wanted her to know that I understand what she went through back then and to tell her that I still love her and choose to remember her as the strong, beautiful, independent woman she once was before she fell apart and sunk into depression, becoming a shadow of herself when I was growing up. Now that I have been in an abusive marriage myself, I know what she went through all those years. I only wish I would have been there for her more. We hardly talk now and she is still married to my dad, raising two adopted kids. I guess what I learned from her is to not stay in an abusive marriage. I'm not going to repeat the family history.


Dear Mom,

I'm not sure where to begin with this letter. There are so many things I want to say to you but somehow putting it all into words is not easy. I want you to know that I understand now what you went through when Dad abused you. I never fully understood the pain you went through back then when I was just a kid, but now that I have been there where you were, I can feel the pain and relate to what you endured and suffered. For a long time I did blame you and I did kind of resent you for never leaving Dad. But time has made me grow into a stronger survivor and as I look back, I only wish that I would have been there for you more.

I know that you feared Dad and that he tore you down, breaking your spirit. I remember when you were such a strong woman who had her own opinions. You were happy and carefree. You were even my best friend at one time. Somehow, though, through the years, that all changed. I tried my best to protect you from Dad, often intervening so you wouldn't have to be the victim of yet another physical assault. I heard the way he talked to you, I saw the way he treated you. Those are things I'll never forget. You tried to raise me and Michael the best you could while putting up with the abuse he put you through. I know it couldn't have been easy for you to raise two kids in a broken, abusive household. For a long time, I was angry at you for not leaving Dad. I wanted you to leave him. I also don't understand how you could just watch him abuse me and not do anything about it when time after time I stood up for you and defended you against him. However, I've recently started to take a step back and from the outside begin to look on the inside.

With only a highschool education and very little college behind you, you were afraid to get out there on your own and be a single mom raising two kids on her own. The insecurities Dad caused you to have from the brainwashing he put you through made you think that you would never be able to get out there on your own and make it. You had no one to turn to and you hid the pain so well from the rest of the world. For awhile, you still managed to remain strong through it all but then the family fell apart after Dad was accused of sexual harassment at his workplace. Believing that he had cheated on you, you fell apart and I watched as your heart was shattered into a million pieces. Once a strong woman who could think on her own, you became a more like a shadow of your former self. You quit showing interest in what Michael and I did. Often you would lock yourself up in your room or bathroom for hours at a time. Behind the closed doors, I could hear you crying. I know that your heart was in pain and I only wish I would have told you how much I loved you. Then maybe you wouldn't have had to go through the depression and feel so alone. Yet, it hurt me when you isolated yourself from me. You wouldn't let me close enough to you to help you. You clung to Dad even more and wouldn't allow me or Michael to even go near him. Once a caring, loving mother, you became a mother who neglected her own children.

Dad controlled you even more but you turned the tables on him when you began to brainwash him. Hearing you two fight, I remember how you would tell him to hit you and try to start fights to get him to take his anger out on you. It got so bad between you two that Dad wanted to end his life. I'm not taking up for Dad or what he did to us but I wish you would have escaped and gotten out of there instead of hurting yourself and hurting him, too. When he threatened to divorce you all those times, you should have just let him go. Instead, you stayed out of fear and I also had to endure and suffer abuse since you didn't leave. I know that back then I didn't understand what you were going through or understand the pain that you felt. However, I married someone like Dad and entered an abusive marriage. I then began to see firsthand what you went through with Dad. My first marriage was a terrifying nightmare where I had to fight for my life. I went through emotional and physical abuse just as you had with Dad. I constantly lived in fear and thinking I couldn't do it on my own, I took him back every single time. But things only grew worse. Did you know that my one fear was becoming like you because I started to fall into deep depression?

When I would look in the mirror, it was you I saw staring back at me. But I learned from your mistakes and I left without looking back. I was determined not to repeat the cycle and stay a victim like you had. I guess if it was one lesson you taught me, it was to not stay in an abusive relationship or marriage. Honestly, I wish that you would have seen all the strength you had in you. Mom, you were and still are a beautiful person. I still remember the good times we had when I was younger, before the family fell apart. You were involved with my elementary school, you came up with creative ideas when you were on the PTA, you always threw the best birthday parties for me and Michael, you cheered for us at our basketball games and cross country and track meets, you took me shopping, you always made the holidays fun. Those are the times I try to think back on and remember instead of remembering you as a victim of domestic violence who fell apart under Dad's control. I remember you as being a woman full of compassion and love before you became the stranger I no longer recognized.

I know that you never really talked about what happened before I was born or when you were pregnant with me, but I want you to know that I've finally started to piece some things together about how bad it was. You never wanted to tell me that I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy when I was born and I found out when I found a journal in your dresser drawer when I was about 10, 11 years old. You always told me that I was a miracle baby because I beat the odds and learned to walk and talk when doctors said I would never do either. But you never really said how I developed cerebral palsy so only recently have I begun to really look into it. One of the factors given is abuse. Cerebral palsy can be caused during pregnancy when the mother is being abused emotionally and physically. I never realized it until recently that when you were pregnant with me and Dad abused you, it did effect me even though I wasn't yet born. I know I didn't tell you this, but awhile ago Dad did tell me that when you were pregnant with me, he picked you up and threw you out of the house one day when you two got into a fight. As I put together these missing pieces of my life puzzle, I begin to see that his abuse did far more damage than you wanted to tell me or let me know. It does make me sad that even to this day, you still cover for him and even when I told you about the abuse I was going through in my marriage, you didn't want to believe me and told me I had better not be making it up just to get my husband in trouble. It's as if you thought I was making up a lie and trying to retaliate. Of all people, you should know what abuse feels like since Dad abused you all the time. You should have been there to support me during that time. Now you're busy raising two new adopted kids of your own and it's as if I no longer exist, but then again, it's been like that for years now.

I want you to know that I do forgive you. I just wish that I would have had a good daughter/mother relationship with you and that the bond wouldn't have been broken. I wish we could have spent more time together and that I would have had a mother I could tell things to; a mother that I could confide in and go to. I guess I missed that part of my life though after you quit being a mom. Although I've tried to talk to you and get things right again, I can see that things will never be the same. You should know that I have gone on to become a writer and have watched some of my dreams and goals come true. You should know that the morals you taught me when I was younger I still carry with me and stick to. You should know that I help victims and survivors of abuse and now work to expose the truth about the dangers of abuse. I know there are other daughters out there that probably feel the same way I do and there are other women out there who have watched their mothers go through abuse as they went through it as well. But using the experiences I went through, I use it to help them and encourage them, to reach out to them and let them know they are not alone.

Mom, I just wish you knew that you deserved better in life and shouldn't have had to put up with the abuse Dad made you endure and suffer. He had no right to take his anger out on you and hurt you the way he did. It does break my heart to know that he hurt you in so many ways. It hurt me watching him hurt you too. I have cried tears over you in the past, thinking about those haunting memories. If you ever do decide to talk about what you went through, know that I'll be there to listen. You're not alone, either you know. If you would only let me close to you, I could help you. I just hope that Dad isn't still hurting you and that maybe things have gotten a little better in the marriage since you're now going on 29 years of marriage. In closing, I just want to say that Mom, I love you and I always will love you. Maybe one day you'll see that. But just know that my love for you will never change. I hope that one day we can repair that mother/daughter relationship. For now though, just know that I'm doing okay and that I took after you in your spirit and creativity. I love you, Mom and if I could give you a hug right now, I would. If I could go back in time and change it where you wouldn't have had to suffer all the abuse, I would go back and change it. But the past is the past and I can't go back and undo it. However, learning from the past has made me know what not to do in my own life. Where ever you are, I hope that you're okay and I'm sure you'll be a good mother to Stephen and Mikaila, your new adopted children. Just promise me that you won't let Dad hurt them like he hurt us and that if it gets too bad, this time you'll leave and just know, if you need anything, I'm always here for you.


With all my love,

Jenna