Letter To Survivors and Victims

Dear Abuse Survivors and Victims,

I'm not sure where to start with this letter, but I just want to say that I know as survivors and victims we face so many trials everyday. We go through pain on a daily basis, often hiding the pain behind the smile we wear on our faces as we go about the day. Sometimes you wonder if anyone even cares what you have gone through and are going through. Looking around you, it seems that everyone else is so happy and content with their lives. While they are having all this success, you seem to be stuck in life. Envying them with their happiness, you begin to wonder if you will ever have happiness like they do. The scars that you bear you don't want anyone to see. You are afraid that if they see your vulnerable side, they will think differently of you and the last thing you want is ridicule and judgement thrown your way.

Some of you have tried to speak out and the result was nobody believed your story. Instead, they banned you and labeled you, saying that you lied about the abuse. The truth is they don't want to admit or own up to the fact that abuse does happen and that yes it is real. They'd rather ignore it. Some of us have been told that it is our fault that we were abused and that we set ourselves up for it. Please do not believe those lies. You were an innocent soul caught in the hands of a deadly trap with no way of escaping. You did not ask to be abused and certainly never deserved to go through it. People do not understand about the scars that are left behind and how we struggle with the nightmares from the past that stay with us forever. So it is easier for them to tell us to just forget it and move on with our lives. They want us to pretend nothing happened when it did. Just because they want to live in denial and allow ignorance to blind them does not mean that we have to remain silent and pretend nothing happened.

For those who have not been where we have, it is easy for them to tell us to just get over it for they are not the ones battling the insecurities and damage that is left over from the years of abuse that we suffered. Yes, we were lucky and fortunate to break free from it and get away from it all. However, that doesn't mean that we are entirely free from flashbacks and haunting memories left imprinted on our minds from the hell we endured. Because we've been told to hold our emotions in and because nobody wants to hear us out, we don't allow ourselves to feel. I know what it's like to keep everything inside. I've had friends turn away when I tried to tell them what I was going through and had been through. Over and over again, I heard to let it go and that all I ever talk about are those days. You're always stressed out is what they would say when I said I was having a bad day. So hiding it all inside, I turned to self infliction to release the emotional pain I felt for I thought that feeling physical pain was better then having emotional pain inside me.

You are allowed to feel and you are allowed to release your emotions and cry. Yes, cry. There is nothing wrong with crying to let your emotions out. For those people who tell you to keep it all inside, they are hurting you and not helping you. The more you hold your emotions inside, covering up the truth, the more it is going to hurt you and you'll eventually just break down. Many times I have broken down because I couldn't take the emotional pain anymore. I've been to the point where I wanted to end my life, where my hope seemed gone. I had to fight hard to make it out of the pit of depression. You do not always have to be strong by yourself. It's ok to let your guard down from time to time and take down those walls that you build up. Sometimes the walls that we build up keep good people out that really do care about us and want to help us out. I know it is so easy for us to feel insecure and not good enough for anyone.

As survivors and victims, it can be tough for us when it comes to relationships. Because we were never shown love, it is hard for us to accept love sometimes. A decent person can come along, one that we know won't hurt us and that we know loves us, but instead of staying with them, our first reaction is to run away. Why do we run away? We run away because we are scared. We are scared of hurting them, we are scared they will end up leaving us just like everyone else has. This is one issue I definitely struggle with. Both my father and my husband abandoned me and walked out of my life. To this day, I find it hard to open up to a guy when a guy likes me. Yeah, he can be the sweetest, best guy ever, but I will think to myself that I am not good enough for him and why in the world would he go for someone messed up like me? I figure since I'm so broken and damaged he won't be able to handle what I've been through. Yet, we are all broken and damaged from things we've been through in our lives. But because we've been hurt by those who should have loved us, protected us, cherished us we have trust issues and find it hard to open up to those who come along who want to be there for us. It's easier for us to just build up those walls and give up on love all together. I think with abuse survivors, we tend to not know how to accept love because we were not shown it. So we are always searching for a part of us that we feel is lost and we don't know how to take it when someone comes along who really does love us if that makes any sense whatsoever. Then we find ourselves entering and exiting different relationships all the time. We do want to be loved and we want to know what true love is like but yet at the same time a part of us is so afraid to accept it since those who hurt us before claimed that they loved us. Loving someone and trusting them, giving your heart to them is a risk, a big risk. That's why I always say to get to know the person first and watch for warning signs. I believe there is someone for everyone. It may take us awhile to find that one we can trust, but there are good people out there who will treat you right and love you for who you are. They won't want to change you and they won't just accept only parts of you. To them, you are beautiful the way you are and you're the one they want to be with no matter what. They'll have the patience and understanding to handle the pain of your past. They'll stay by you through it all and be there to support you and guide you through those dark times.

Insecurities are a thing we constantly battle. Most of the time, I find it hard to talk about anything with even my closest friends. I look around and wonder if this is really my life. There are moments in our lives where we question what is real and we doubt ourselves. We think that this can't possibly be who we are and that we shouldn't be here. When we've been brainwashed by the abuse, it's hard for us to just block out all those cruel words we were told. I was told by my parents that I was worthless, delusional, ugly, a mistake, unwanted, a moral failure, you name it. Even to this day, I have to break out of that thinking mode. I know it's not true and that I have begun to rebuild my life. So whenever you start feeling that you aren't good enough, that you're not worth it, and you can't seem to find anything good about yourself, go to the mirror and look in it. Then as you stare at your reflection, say out loud all the good things about you, everything you've accomplished and achieved in your life that sets you apart from the rest of the world. I do this when I feel like that and it really helps to boost my self-esteem.

We are not just remains of the wreckage that we have been through. We are people too who have feelings and what we went through is very real. But I don't want any of you to give up in life. Yes, life is going to bring you some storms but in order to get to the rainbow, you must first battle the storm. You're going to have people try to bring you down, tell you lies that you deserved everything you went through, you'll have people come and go out of your life, you'll have those days where it seems you can't do anything right. You'll feel out of place and compare yourself to others. Don't compare yourself to others though. You'd be surprised how many people are out there that you pass by who have gone through abuse too. They won't say it out loud but inside they are hurting just like you. Those who walk out on you because of your past are not true friends so just forget them because they don't deserve you and it is their loss. Healing is a process which does take awhile. Allow yourself to heal in your own time. Live your life for you because nobody else can live it for you. Don't think that what you went through is less important then what anyone else went through. Abuse hurts no matter what type it is. Take life one step at a time, one day at a time.

Know that you are a strong person for having survived and lived through it. When you are ready and only when you are ready and feel it's the right time, then use your voice to speak out about what you've gone through. In my mind, you are all heroes because you are still standing after everything you've suffered and endured. You've made it this far and you have so much more out there waiting for you, so many endless opportunities waiting for you to seize them. Don't ever think it's too late to live the life you want to live. It is never too late to live the life you've always wanted to live. Life always offers us a second chance. Whether you realize it or not, you are a hero to others out there. They look at you and see you making it in life after all the hell you went through and it gives them faith and hope that they too can move on to a better life and survive. You see, your testimony gives others the courage and determination to keep fighting.

You are never alone in what you go through. There are so many others out there who can relate to you and who do understand. I lived in silence, afraid to speak out, thinking I was in it alone. For a long time, I was alone in what I went through. Today, though, I can say that I survived and I am finally getting to where I want to be in my life. I never gave up and because I haven't given up, new windows are opening for me when at one time I thought all doors had closed on me. I have fought a long hard battle to reach this point in my life. But it's worth it, every bit of it is worth it. I know I'm not perfect but that's okay because the people who are my real friends don't expect me to be perfect. I've learned from my past and those mistakes I vow never to make again. I've a future to live for and I've got goals and dreams to achieve. I will keep on believing in myself and all of you. Don't let your past hold you back from what you want to do in your life. This is a new day and you can have a new start. Just remember, you are beautiful in every way. Courage, determination, perseverance, beauty, strength runs deep within you. Be proud of the person you are today and don't think about the person you were back then because you've grown stronger and those days are gone. Those days are gone and you are not the same person you were. You are free from the past and free to be you and enjoy life. Follow your heart and choose the path which is right for you. It's ok to start out on one path and change paths to go on to something better.

You are one of a kind and your life lays ahead of you. Just keep being you and don't change for anyone else. In time, all the pieces will fall into place as you continue to rebuild your life. So continue on in this journey and make the most of what you have left. You're going to make it because I believe in you and have faith in you.


Standing Right There With You

Your Fellow Fighter and Survivor In This Fight,

Jenna Kandyce Linch