Path To Healing

Many times I've been asked by survivors what to do to heal from the abuse and what the best way to heal is. When it comes to healing, we have to find out for ourselves what works best for us because we are all different and each of us went through different situations. So what works for one person may not necessarily work for someone else. However, I wanted to write down and share some of the steps that have helped me on my journey of healing and that have helped me to break the cycle of abuse in my life.


Walk Away From The Abusive Situation

The first step to breaking the cycle is to completely walk away from the abusive situation you are in for good. Now, I know that for some of us, we want to try and put things together the way they used to be before the abuse ever started. We think that if we continue to stay, things might get better. My mom never walked away from her abusive marriage because she was afraid of getting out there on her own and raising two kids on her own when she didn't really have anyone she could turn to and she only had a little bit of college and a highschool education to her name. So she stayed and she is to this day still married to my dad. Because she chose to stay, I had to endure the abuse from my dad and had to grow up faster than I ever wanted to. Needless to say, I did not have a very happy childhood. In my own marriage, I learned the hard way when every time I would walk away, he would come after me, telling me that he was going to change and it would never happen again. That is a line that abusers use a lot. They claim they will change and that this isn't them in the hopes that you will take them back and they will still have that control over you. Many times I took my husband back, thinking that surely things could go back the way they were and that the abuse wouldn't happen again. I was wrong. Each time I took him back, the violence grew worse and more intense. Yes, I tried to fight for the marriage, I tried to suggest counseling, but nothing worked. Sometimes you have to know when to walk away from a fight because you must look out for yourself first. Your safety comes first. I'm not saying that abusers can't change, but most of the time they won't change and get the help that they need. There's nothing you can do to change the person because a person has to change because they want to change. However, you do not need to stay in a situation where you are being put through abuse all the time and feeling emotional and physical pain everyday. Even if you are in a relationship where the person is verbally abusive, walk away. Some people question if they should walk away if they are not being physically abused but just going through verbal abuse. The answer is yes, you should still walk away. Abuse is abuse no matter what form it is. The thing about verbal abuse is that it can escalate into physical abuse later on. No matter what type of abuse it is, you need to leave the situation. Don't wait because if you continue to wait, it could be too late. Think about yourself and if you have children, think about them, too. They don't need to be around the violence either. Real love doesn't hurt. Abuse is not love. So no matter what lines the abuser tells you, don't believe it. I know that it can be dangerous to leave some situations, but there are places that can help and the Domestic Violence Hotline which is 1-800-799-7233 can give you guidance and direction about where to get help in your area.



Realize That It Isn't and Wasn't Your Fault

What you went through was never your fault. Never feel that you are to blame for the abuse that you suffered. You were an innocent victim who did nothing to deserve the pain that you were put through. Nobody asks to be abused. When we go through brainwashing from our abusers, it can be very hard to train ourselves out of the pattern of thinking that the abuse was all our fault. This is something that I struggled with for awhile. My parents often told me it was my fault as to why they were having marriage problems and they told me how much of a worthless failure I was. I never heard anything good about myself. It was only negative words that were thrown at me. It's taken me awhile to train myself out of thinking that it was my fault and that I did something wrong that my parents didn't want me. Even now, I find myself having those memories and finding myself slipping back into that old way of thinking. What helps me to block out the memories is to remind myself how much better I am doing now that I have walked away and to envision my life how I want it to be. No matter what anyone says, it was and is never your fault!


Learn To Love and Accept Yourself

This can be a tough one for us survivors. The abuse we went through left us feeling worthless and ugly. We carried shame and guilt for a long time that was not ours to carry. In our abusers' eyes, we were just someone that they could take their anger out on. They saw only the imperfections and flaws in us so to them we were not beautiful. Let me just say that you are a very beautiful person. You are worth so much and you are a precious jewel. I admit that this is one area that I struggle with the most. My husband and my parents never showed me any love. They pointed out my flaws all the time when I failed to meet their expectations. Trapped in silence, I felt ugly on the inside and I couldn't rid myself of the shame that I felt. Even now that I am away from the abusive situations, I sometimes mentally compare myself to others and think that I am not "normal" like they are or that I'm not as beautiful as they are because of my abusive past. "Normal" shouldn't exist though when it comes to people. I believe that we are all beautiful in our own way and that the beauty that really shines through is inner beauty. Inner beauty is what makes a person attractive in every single way. Don't compare yourself to others because the qualities that you possess cannot be found in anyone else. Whenever I start feeling that I'm not beautiful or that I'm not good enough, I look in the mirror and I say out loud everything I have achieved in my life. As I say it out loud the words seem to sink in more. Anytime you feel that you aren't good enough or that you aren't beautiful, write down your achievements or say them out loud even. This helps to remind us what we have going for us and helps us to see the good in ourselves that we sometimes overlook and miss. Be proud of who you are. The greatest achievement that you've all ready accomplished is walking away because that takes the most courage and strength.


Express Your Emotions and Feelings

It is good to express your emotions and feelings that you have kept locked up inside after being silent for so long. My way of expressing my emotions is to write. I found writing to be my source of therapy that has helped me the most. If you are comfortable enough and feel ready, you can confront your abusers. Although, if you are looking for them to own up to what they did wrong and admit to what they did, chances are you will be disappointed. Do not expect your abuser to admit to the abuse that they put you through. I know it's good to get closure on what we went through in our pasts, but don't hang around, wanting to get that closure by trying to get your abuser to own up to anything. If you do this, it will keep you stuck in the past and you will never be able to really help anyone or fully move on either. I did confront my abusers and on each occasion they denied what they did. I knew I couldn't wait around for them to see what they did to me or I would never get anywhere in my life and I wouldn't be able to move on in my healing process. Yes, it would be nice if they would own up to what they did to us, but the odds aren't that great in that area. The majority of the time, they are going to turn it all on us and say we are the ones lying about it. I had to learn to forgive my abusers in order to get peace of mind and get the closure I needed and I had to accept that they were never going to come around. Once I did that, I could go on to help others and reach out to victims and survivors. Unless we come to terms with our past, we will not really be effective in helping and reaching out to others. We must take care of ourselves first and get where we need to be first in our lives before we can even think about trying to really help anyone else. If we can't take care of ourselves and get the healing that we need, then how are we going to be able to help others heal when they look to us for guidance in life? We need to be at our full potential before we can do that. It is good to find something whether it be journaling, writing, painting, etc. where you can release all those emotions. The more that you hold those emotions and feelings inside, the more it tears you apart. So express the feelings and emotions that you have. Crying is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength. Tears are a good thing and it is more than okay to cry to let it out.



Keep An Open Mind and Positive Attitude When It Comes To Healing

I have had people tell me before that when it comes to getting help after going through abuse, it is impossible and can't be found. That attitude right there won't get you anywhere. Not everything you try to help yourself heal will work out. That's okay. Keep trying to find the method that works best for you. As far as help being impossible to get, as a survivor, healing is one step at a time, one day at a time. If we survivors really want to heal, we have to keep an open mind and not give up and say it's impossible. Otherwise, we've all ready admitted defeat in our minds. I've been through a lot of abuse in my life and I know that healing is a process that does not happen right away. We don't forget the things we went through. It's not impossible to get help because what works for one person may not work for another person but you keep trying until you do find something that helps. For me, it was writing. That's what has helped me and has also allowed me to help other survivors and victims out there. There are different ways to heal besides just going on medications or going to counseling. I usually tell people to find something that they like to do, such as playing a sport, playing a musical instrument, writing, journaling, talking to a close friend, basically I tell survivors to use a hobby or talent they have as a source of healing.
No, it isn't always easy to get help from other people when we ask for it because many times when I asked for help, no one listened to me. However, I have found that there are good people out there who do want to help and I am learning to not let barriers and walls keep them out but to keep an open mind when it comes to getting help and getting the healing that I need. It all comes down to how we view things and our attitude in life. If we say it's impossible, then most likely it will be because we've closed our minds off to the possibility of ever getting the help and healing that we need. I have heard so many testimonies of abuse that survivors have gone through, and each story is filled with so much pain from the horrible nightmares that they faced. But they didn't give up and they didn't say that it was impossible to get help. Instead, they kept on going, finding the best methods that would help them to heal. We limit ourselves when we say it's impossible and that it's never going to happen. I know that it isn't an easy process in healing from the abuse of the past. We survivors continue to heal throughout our lives because it doesn't just go away. It's what we do with our lives, though, that matters. It's what we do with the second chance we get to rebuild our lives that counts. But we can never fully move on from the past if we sit there and say that it's impossible. We have to believe in ourselves and what we are doing. That's when things start to fall into place. It does take time, but it isn't impossible.


Surround Yourself With Positive People

The people that we hang out with greatly effect our lives. It is important that when we survivors are healing that we surround ourselves with positive people. Having a close circle of friends that we can trust and count on, that we know won't judge us, and that we know will be there for us every step of the way is vital. When we are around good people who understand and can relate to what we've gone through, they help us to grow more in our journey of healing. If your friends are putting you down and making you feel bad or guilty about what you went through, they are not true friends. Our friends also have an influence on the way we act and perceive ourselves, too. I noticed that when I would hang around people who had no goals in life, who just wanted to gossip all the time, and start drama, I began to take after them and follow their bad habits. They began to pull me down with them. Once I began weeding out the bad ones, I was able to have a clear mind. When I cleaned out my "drama" closet, it left room for more positive people to come into my life. When I hung out with positive friends, I felt more alive and better about myself. No longer did I feel burdened down by the gossip and the drama. Choose friends that build you up; not ones that tear you down.


Envision The Life That You Want

It is possible to have a life free from abuse. Sure, we may have come from broken homes, but that shouldn't effect the life that we live today. The future never has to reflect the past. Life hands us a second chance so those opportunities we get to better ourselves we need to seize. Once those moments are gone, we cannot get them back. We are getting another chance to get the life that we've wanted and it's never too late. Those dreams and goals that you had that were torn away from you or that you put on hold, bring them out again and start chasing them as you begin to turn them into a reality. Dreams are so important to have because they give us something to strive for in life. Life shouldn't be lived by thinking about what could have been but picturing what can be and finding the courage within. We can't go back and change those chapters of our lives that have all ready been written. So instead of trying to reopen them, we should be working instead on writing new pages for a better sequel as we take chances in life that will help us to advance. Picture the life that you want. Don't just talk about what you want to do, though. Actually take the necessary action and steps to make those dreams come true and to achieve those goals you have. Once you talk it out, then get out there and go after what you want. Sometimes it is good to map things out first and chart our goals so that we have a plan to follow and don't find ourselves getting lost and overwhelmed along the way. When I knew that I wanted to create Rising Above Magazine, start Letters From Survivors, and write books, I thought about it first and came up with the plan first. Then I put it into action. Yes, you are going to have people tell you that you can't do it. I had people oppose me and tell me that I shouldn't go ahead with things. They told me so many excuses as to why they thought I couldn't achieve my dreams and goals. I'm glad I didn't listen to them. I remember when I was in 9th grade and I had started writing my experiences down. I had some of my teacher assistants read the poems and journal entries that I wrote to get their advice and input on it. I had one tell me to stick with writing things I knew and that I was covering things that I had no idea about. Good thing I didn't listen to him. Another time, I had a person tell me that if it weren't for her and others who had her same knowledge, I would have nothing to write about. However, I do write on what I know because I write about my life and my life has nothing to do with anyone else. So I will always have things to write on since it's based on my life experiences. Those people who discourage you from your dreams are usually not satisfied with how their own lives have turned out and most likely since they have not gone for their own dreams and goals, they don't want to see anyone else pass them up and go on to be happy in life. Ignore them, though, and continue to live your life for you.


Take A Chance On Letting People In

Trust doesn't come easy for us survivors. We were betrayed by the very people that we gave our trust to. They should have protected us and kept us safe from harm. Unfortunately, they were the ones that hurt us the most. Because of this, we are cautious and very guarded as we put up walls and barriers around our hearts. Sometimes those walls and barriers can keep some really good people out though. A friend of mine once told me that just because I've been hurt in my life before does not mean that the next person to come along will hurt me. Actually, my best friend told me that and it was exactly what I needed to hear. For a long time, I remained distant and guarded, afraid to let anyone near me. I was afraid to fall in love again because I have this habit of running away and coming up with excuses and reasons as to why a relationship with someone won't work out or why they shouldn't date me. It's insecurity issues from my previous marriage and even my childhood but I'm working on it. I even had a tough time letting friends in that were there to help me. Yeah, we don't want people to see our fragile sides because we think that they will judge us and hurt us. It isn't fair though to assume they are going to be like the ones who hurt us when we haven't even given them a chance. It is good to be careful when it comes to trusting and it's good to get to know a person first. However, we shouldn't dismiss them before getting to know them due to assumptions we make that they will hurt us. After my marriage fell apart, I said that I was giving up on dating and love all together. I wanted nothing to do with all that. But recently I've met someone special who has come into my life when I least expected it who likes me for me and sees me for who I am. It is a close friendship that we have but we are building trust and getting to know each other. If I had shut this person out and just assumed he was going to treat me like my ex, I would have missed out on having my best friend in my life. Just because we've been hurt before doesn't mean that someone won't come along who loves us for who we are and helps to put the pieces of our hearts together. So yes, sometimes it is worth taking those walls and barriers down in order to let others in. Otherwise, we will miss out on establishing close friendships and having good relationships.


Believe In Yourself and What You Are Doing

Always, always believe in yourself. Even if no one else believes in you or what you are doing, continue to believe in yourself and have faith in your abilities and how far you will go. I don't know how many times I've had people in my life tell me I wouldn't make it. When I was younger, I was bullied at school. Kids teased me, laughed at me, and made fun of me. My parents didn't have high hopes for me. My father told me constantly how he wasn't proud of me and had nothing to be proud of me for. Of course, my parents were against every dream I had. When I began speaking out and sharing my story, I had people send me hate messages. I've learned to use those negative messages though as my motivation to keep on going and prove people wrong. I wonder what those who told me I would never amount to much would think now if they saw everything I am doing with my life. When other people tell you that you can't do anything, tell them that you can and then set out to prove them wrong. We survivors are underdogs. We are not expected to make it far. But you know what, we can beat the odds and we all ready have beat the odds against us because we've risen above the ashes of our past. Let them say what they want about us, but as long as we believe in ourselves and what we are doing, then there is nothing that we can't achieve. Use the negativity as stepping stones to reach success in your life. Let those discouraging remarks be the fuel that lights that fire in you and sparks that determination in you that will show them who you really are and what you are capable of doing. Never stop believing in yourself. Their mistake is underestimating us and the strength that we have within us.


Refuse To Repeat The History Of Your Past

In my family history, there is a lot of abuse and violence. I have watched my own brother become like the abusive men in my family. I saw how my mom never left my dad but endured and suffered the abuse day after day after day. I didn't want to be like her and didn't want to make the same mistake that she made when she chose to stay rather than walk away. I chose to walk away and break the cycle of abuse in my life so that I wouldn't repeat my family history. We don't have to repeat the history of our past or repeat our family's history. Don't put up with family that abuses you even after you've broken the cycle. You don't have to be like your abusers because you are not them. They didn't change or get help for issues they went through, but we can get help and we make a change in our own lives. We have an opportunity to raise our children in abuse free homes and give them the life that we didn't have when we were younger. The mistakes that our abusers made we can learn from. We know what not to be like since we know how much it hurt to go through the abuse. Now when we start our own families, we can teach our kids about the dangers of abuse and they can teach their kids and their kids can teach their kids and so forth so we are starting a new generation within our families that is abuse free. Cutting ties and saying goodbye is the best way to break the cycle and move on so that we don't repeat the history of the past.


Share Your Story With Others

When you feel that you are ready, speak out and share your story with other victims and survivors. For those survivors who are ready to speak out, be a voice for those who remain without a voice. It is okay if you are not ready to share your story with the world. We're all at different healing stages in our lives. I've had people delete me and have nothing to do with me because they said that using the word Survivor was not good and that I was being negative by using that word. There is nothing wrong with the word Survivor. How else are we to describe ourselves? Even for people who have not gone through abuse, they are still survivors because to make it through life we all have to fight to survive. Life is all about survival. Some survivors block it out and want to deny what they have gone through. The truth is you are never going to completely block it completely out. People can try to run away from their past and pretend that nothing ever happened but you cannot run away from the truth that is a part of you. You may think that no one wants to hear your story or that it's not important because it seems that others have gone through worse. However, this is not about comparing battle scars or stories because everyone one of us has had it bad. Your story is just as important as anyone else's. As far as thinking no one wants to hear it, you'd be surprised how many there are out there who draw hope and inspiration just from hearing about what you have gone through. Your story lets them know they are not alone. It gives them something to hold onto, it gives them the hope they need to keep hanging on. They look at you as a hero and a role model because they see what you have survived and know that they too can make it and have a new life. You are paving the way for them to speak out when you speak out and share your story. So don't be afraid to speak out when you are ready to. Your story of survival is helping to save lives that are still trapped in silence. You're giving them courage to break the cycle of abuse in their life and to shatter their own silence. Yes, your story may not seem important to you, but let me tell you, in the eyes of so many victims and survivors out there, it is very important and is a lifesaver.


Healing is a step by step process that we must take one day at a time. These are just some of the steps that have helped me on my journey as I allow myself to heal. Along this road, I know I will keep learning more and as I continue to learn more, I will continue to share what knowledge I have with others so that they too can get to that point in their own life where their wings are repaired and they can take flight as they reach out to others. When we share our experiences with each other, we are able to work together to save those who are lost and alone and we are able to fight side by side on the battlefield of life to rescue them.