It Shouldn't Be Like This: Rebuilding From The Wreckage

We all have those days where we find ourselves looking back on our lives and wondering why we had to go through the things that we did. I'm sure most of you have probably had the thought cross your mind that it shouldn't be like this and this isn't the way things should have turned out. Most of us even start asking why, why did these things happen to us and why did we have to go through this pain? There are moments where we wonder why we still go through the pain when we've broken the chains of the past and have begun to move on to a better life. The other night I found myself having one of those days where I began questioning things and thought to myself that my life shouldn't be like this and that I never should have had to go through the abuse that I did. Well, none of us should have ever had to experience the pain of abuse in our lives. People want us to remain positive all the time and tell us to be thankful that we survived it, but I think that it is okay to have those emotional breakdowns and have those moments where we let it all out. I admit, in private, when no one else is around, I have those days where I just let my emotions go.

For a long time, I never could really open up about what I had gone through. I guess a part of me didn't want to believe and accept the fact that yes, I had indeed been a victim of abuse in my childhood, my marriage, and even by my own peers. Being used to just keeping it all inside and never saying how I truly felt, I just shrugged everything off and pretended that nothing happened. Instead of standing up for myself, I took the verbal abuse from peers and I took the abuse from family. Not wanting to create more drama and make things harder on myself, I figured that it was easier to remain silent about it and never let those who were hurting me know what I was truly feeling on the inside. So for a very long time, I continue to live my life in silence even after I had taken back control of my life. I didn't want to deal with the stereotypes and labeling and I didn't want to put up with people feeling sorry for me for the things I had gone through. Not only that, but I had no idea how to convey those emotions locked up inside for years. Yes, people would ask me how I was doing and somehow I never knew how to answer that. A part of me wanted so badly to tell them what was going on and about the challenges I was facing. Yet another part of me warned against people not understanding about the pain and judging me for something they didn't know about. Yet, the more I kept silent, the more torn up inside I felt. The pain was eating away at my heart until I found myself just fading away and feeling that I only existed as I started to wonder for what reason and purpose I existed. In private, I would get mad and I would think to myself, okay, why am I still alive and why did I survive all this when I still continue to feel pain from the past and go through struggles each day. It got to the point where I couldn't see the point in going on in life. But I knew that in order to make this empty, lonely feeling go away that was keeping me isolated from the rest of the world, I had to take that step forward and begin one by one to confront the demons in my life that were haunting me.

That's when I decided to start with my family and tell them how I felt. I figured I had nothing to lose and walking on eggshells around them was something I no longer wanted to do. If it's one thing that I don't want to be in life it's being a puppet that everyone can control by pulling on the strings and moving me in the direction they want me to go in. I like to pride myself in being the type of person who always stands up for what I believe in even if it means I am standing alone. I've had people come to me and say, well you are so brave and courageous for speaking out and walking away from your family and they tell me that they still put up with things from theirs. My question is why do people continue to take being mistreated from peers and family? I don't care who it is, no one deserves to go through that kind of treatment. We all deserve to be treated with respect. No one is forcing you to stay; you are free to walk away at any time. The courage and bravery that people think I have, well the truth is, they too can have that courage and bravery if they really want to break free. I know that breaking free isn't the easiest thing to do. Since I told my family everything that has been bothering me and since I confronted them, it hasn't been easy because yes, they did decide to treat me as an outcast and turn it all around on me. At the same time, it was the best decision I could have ever made because not only did it lift this burden from my shoulders that was wearing me down, it also finally made me feel that I had complete control of my life and that I could finally move on. You see, in order to start really moving on, we have to learn to say goodbye and cut those ties that are holding us back from living the life we want to live.

There was a time in my life where I felt sorry for myself and I kept thinking that my life shouldn't be like this, that I shouldn't have had to go through all this. My attitude was one of feeling pity for myself. The more I had these little pity parties for myself, though, the more I remained stuck in one place. Everyone else was moving on and accomplishing things when here I was, consoling myself, licking my wounds, and running away from the very people and things I should have been confronting and challenging in my own life. Nothing in life can be solved unless we face it. It doesn't matter if we try to run away from our problems and our past because the truth is, it will always catch up with us. So we might as well just turn around and stare it straight in the face as we fight these battles because they are not going to go away on their own.

We survivors sit here and we say we want to heal and we say we want to live a better life, but how come we continue to do nothing about it and just sit there and take the abuse? I only wished that the things I know now and the strength I have now to speak out and walk away I would have had when I was younger. I wish that I wouldn't have allowed my fear to keep me from escaping in my childhood and staying longer than I should have in my marriage. I don't believe any of us survivors are helpless. That strength is in each of us but if we really want to start rebuilding our lives, we have to stand firm and not let our fear stop us from moving on. I know that it's not always so simple to walk away from abusive situations we are in. Sometimes, it can be very dangerous, but I guess the question we have to ask ourselves is, do I want to stay in this situation where the violence can continue to grow worse and I could possibly lose my life, or do I want to take that chance to escape and do what I can, get the help that I need, and run away from it even if it means risking my life? Hey, if my life is on the line either way, then I choose to take the risk to leave. I knew I didn't want to be like the women in my family who have been abuse victims and have stayed because they were too afraid to get out their on their own and restart their lives. We have to make this decision for ourselves, though. I know people who left their situations and had nothing to their name when they did but that didn't stop them from rebuilding their life and living a life free from abuse.

My way of thinking changed from that of feeling sorry for myself and saying that my life shouldn't be like this because of what I went through to okay, my life shouldn't be like this wallowing in self pity when I can do something about it. I remember my friend's dad one time telling me that in order to live the life I want, I have to go out there and get it because it isn't going to be handed to me. That is so true. We can talk all we want about how we want to do this and how we want to do that, but what good does all that talk do if we are not willing to take the action necessary to make things happen in our own lives? I think it all comes down to how bad do we want it. If we want something so bad we should be willing to fight for it no matter what. My whole life I've had to fight for what I wanted. Unlike my brother, I have never had anything handed to me. I have had to work to get this far. We survivors definitely know not to take our lives for granted because we've each witnessed how in a moment our lives can change completely. I look at the year 2008 and I saw how my honorary dad passed away, how I had friends betray me, and how I had family turn their backs on me and judge me because I had the guts to confront them and say how I felt. I look back over my life and I see the little girl who was never shown love, who moved around a lot from place to place because no one wanted her, who got married to someone who threw her away like she was worthless, and who had to battle anxiety attacks and flashbacks while people told her she was bipolar and various other things. But you know what I also see when I look in that mirror? I see that same little girl now a grown woman who has risen above all that and who has had the determination to keep going in life despite the suicide attempts, despite the emotional neglect and abandonment, despite people telling her she couldn't make it and wouldn't amount to much, despite the self infliction habit now broken, despite a bleeding, broken heart torn into pieces, despite all that, this little girl became a woman who fought for her right to live an abuse free life. Why? Because I believe in myself and I believe in my dreams and goals and I made the promise to myself that I will not allow anything to hold me back from achieving what I'm meant to do in life.

Step by step, I am rebuilding my life after the wreckage. People may look at me and see someone who is broken and see the scars and flaws, but I know that in the wreckage, beauty has been found. Yes, I've had to pick up the pieces of my heart as I dig through that wreckage to find myself. That's just it, though. All these trials that I go through, all these obstacles I have had to overcome have helped me to discover who I really am and see what lies beneath the surface and what is really inside my heart. Back then, when I was that scared little girl, I didn't know who I was. Lost, alone, scared, I wondered where everyone was and why no one ever came to my rescue. Little did I know that those events were preparing me for my future; a future where I would become the one helping to save lives who are trapped in similar situations and whose voices have gone unheard. I am thankful for what I went through as crazy as it may sound because it helped me to see who I am and molded me into the person I am today. Sometimes we have to go through storms and have these negative things happen to us in order to discover how strong we really are. Sometimes, the negative must happen first in order to have the positive happen later on. You can't have the rainbow without first having the rain.

The trials that we go through are preparing us for our calling in life. They are preparing us and shaping us to become the warriors on life's battlefield who fight for others who are still lost and alone out there. If we survivors had not gone through the events that we did, then we wouldn't be able to relate and identify with other survivors and victims out there. This is why instead of thinking about how our lives could have been different had we not have gone through the abuse we did, we should picture how our lives can be now and what we can do to help prevent abuse in the lives of others and help them to live a life free from abuse, too. It shouldn't be like this when we can do something to stop it.