Letting Your Wings Heal and Learning To Fly Again

I find it sad whenever other survivors want to judge their fellow survivors and put them down for things they have been through. Of all people, our fellow survivors should understand what we have endured and suffered since they went through similar things in their own lives. Yet, some of them want to harshly criticize those survivors who take that step to speak out. Isn't it bad enough that we have those who haven't gone through abuse judging us all the time and putting us on trial? But then those who have been abused want to try to keep us silent. I've had survivors on here judge me and send me messages about how I dwell on the past too much and how I come across as depressing and that I need to get out there and date again and that I'm too young to be living this life, that I need to have fun in life.

Well, they don't know me and that is just their opinion on how they think I should live my life. I am happy with the life I am living. The problem is that people read what others write and they base their assumptions and opinions not on knowing the person in real life but rather what they read in their personal blogs. A blog is a place to write your feelings down; it's your own journal. I know that for many survivors, writing is good therapy for it allows you to release those feelings and emotions that you have kept locked inside for years. But some of these survivors go through and read the posts and decide they will try to tell others how to live their lives. Well, with all the criticism and discouragement, it makes it where the survivors who were going to speak out don't want to go forth anymore because of what they were told by their own fellow survivors, the very people who should be able to relate to them. When I read the note from this woman about how I should get out there and date, that all guys aren't jerks like my father and husband were, that I should be out there having fun, that I come across as depressing and dwell on my past too much, I just shrugged it off. At 23, I am living the life I want. I chose to speak out and chose to use my past to help others. I knew that's what I wanted to do back when I was a teenager. It's always been inside me, that fire, that desire to help my fellow survivors and reach out to survivors and victims all over. For this woman to sit there and say that I need to date again, well that's my own personal choice not to date. I don't need a man in my life right now to make me happy. There are more important things in my life right now then getting out there and trying to find my Prince Charming. Also, I know in my heart, that I am not in the right place in my life right now to be entering a relationship with anyone because I know that I need to heal some more. In order for a relationship to work out, I need to make sure that I am emotionally stable enough first. I don't feel that I'm in the right emotional place in my life right now to be dating. This lady doesn't know what is best for my life; I know what is best for me. Why would I rush into something when I'm not as prepared as I should be? That is only asking for things to fall apart and setting myself up for failure and another heartache.

The second thing that I don't like is when survivors tell other survivors, oh you need to be positive; your story is so depressing and you dwell on the past too much. Okay, that goes right along with "just get over it." The life of a survivor is not glamorous. Obviously with the abuse we have gone through and the experiences we have suffered and endured, every part of our life is not going to be beautiful. I know that my past sure isn't beautiful. However, it's okay to talk about what you have gone through. When these other survivors say things like that to us, they are actually hurting us and preventing us from sharing our feelings, or should I say trying to prevent us from doing that. With everything we have gone through and all that we have seen and felt, I think it is more than okay to express our emotions. Share your story, blog about it, talk about it; it is your right that you have earned. When people tell me that I am depressing, I ignore it. It's one thing if you go around wanting people to feel sorry for you and try to use your story to get pity. You should never use your story to get pity and get people to feel sorry for you. Personally, I would think that as a survivor, you'd take pride in the fact that you made it out of your situation and had the courage to leave. When you share your story and use your past to help others, make sure to do it in a way that people don't feel sorry for you but see the strength, beauty, and courage within you. I would rather have respect than sympathy and pity.

As far as being positive all the time, that is not possible. Sure, I tell people to look on the bright side of things and have a positive outlook in life, but I also know that isn't possible to maintain a positive energy and attitude all the time. People think that I am this positive person but let me tell you, I have those bad days too. I struggle with bouts of depression and I've gone through anxiety attacks and I've had bad memories come to mind that I didn't want to think about. As much as I try to focus on the good things in life, I know that it is okay if I have bad days. I even get angry thinking about how I was hurt in my life and the abuse I went through. It's okay to get angry and upset because we had a crime committed against us. We had our hearts broken, our lives shattered, our dreams torn apart from us, and we were forced to grow up faster than we ever wanted to. Just don't let your anger get out of control where you end up hurting others and taking your anger out on them. For those of us who have been abused, I think that the anger we feel towards our abusers is absolutely normal. I mean, they hurt us in so many ways and they stole a piece of our lives away from us. We can't get those years back that they took from us. We don't have to be like them though and we don't have to follow in their footsteps. Just because they took their anger out on us does not mean that we are going to do the same to the ones we love and care about. We have a chance to change our history and not be like the ones who hurt us.

When these other people, those who have not been through abuse and those who have, tell us that we are depressing and shouldn't be focusing on our past so much, I think that they are just not ready to read about the pain we have been through. I will admit that when I read other survivors' stories, it can be tough for me sometimes because having a compassionate heart and knowing what it's like to go through abuse, it hurts to think about these innocent lives being hurt in cruel ways. At the same time though, it gives me more respect for the survivor because I see the courage, the determination and the strength they have in them for leaving and getting out of there. I see how they have overcome those obstacles in their lives and how they have risen above it. I see how they are reaching out to others, trying to help them out. Survivors are some of the most beautiful people I know. Most of them have hearts filled with compassion for others who are going through abuse or who went through it. Because they went through it, they have this desire to help others and to comfort them. We don't want others to go through the same things we did because we've seen how it affected us and all the grief and pain it caused us. So we set out to protect others from going through the abuse. I think it's just in the nature of a survivor to feel that way. We don't want to see others hurt like we did.

We all heal at different rates. For some, the healing starts to come earlier and sooner in their lives. For others, it may take a little bit longer. Regardless, though, survivors should not be judging each other, tearing each other down, and destroying one another. I've had people tell me that we shouldn't even use the term "survivor" to identify ourselves. They claim that we are not survivors of anything. If we are not survivors of anything, than what are we? We're not victims because we've broken the chains of our past. We are survivors because we survived abuse. Sadly, not everyone makes it out alive. This is the definition of survive according to the dictionary:

survive |sərˈvīv|
verb [ intrans. ]
continue to live or exist, esp. in spite of danger or hardship : against all odds the child survived.
• [ trans. ] continue to live or exist in spite of (an accident or ordeal) : he has survived several assassination attempts.
• [ trans. ] remain alive after the death of (a particular person) : he was survived by his wife and six children | [as adj. ] ( surviving) there were no surviving relatives.
• [ intrans. ] manage to keep going in difficult circumstances : she had to work day and night and survive on two hours sleep.


Therefore, we are survivors in life. We continued to live even after we went through the abuse. We are proof of that because we are still standing here today. We're still living our lives but we're allowing ourselves to heal from the pain so that we can move on and get a better life for ourselves. We've managed to keep going despite the hard times we experienced. I think that some still live in denial over the things that they have gone through. I think there are those who really don't want to own up to it and try to push it all aside, thinking it will just go away. Maybe it's because they don't want others to think less of them or they don't want to be judged. Maybe it's because they don't want to think about it and they just want it to go away. I was one of those who for a time in my life tried to block everything out and ignore the pain. I tried to deny what happened to me, but in the end, when I tried to run away from my problems, they only caught up with me. Your past is never going to go away. There will always be those memories that stick with you. You can never deny the truth about what you have gone through and where you have been in your life. The only way to overcome it is to take the right steps to begin to heal and get help. I also think that some people don't want to read other survivors' stories because they may not be ready for that yet and it could trigger them. They may not be at that point in their lives where they can handle reading what others have been through. Hey, it's not easy to read about someone else's pain because when you can relate to the person, you feel those memories come back and it's as if you feel the pain too since you can identify with what they have gone through. So some people may just not be ready for it. Then others may just be jealous that you are further along in your healing then they are in theirs. They may wish that they were as far along as you are in your journey when they see that you are able to speak out and break your silence. They probably wish they were at that point in their lives.

The thing is, that no matter what the reason is, there is never a good reason to tear someone else down and discourage them from speaking out and sharing their stories, or releasing their emotions and feelings through writing. We shouldn't be jealous of one another because we are all survivors who can identify with each other and relate to one another. No, every aspect of our lives are not going to be beautiful. We're not always going to be positive; we are going to have bad days. What really counts though is that we are getting out there, trying to make a difference and sharing our stories, not to get others to feel sorry for us, but to show them that they too can overcome the pain in their lives and that they too can rise above those ashes of their past. Just because one survivor is a little bit further along in their healing than another survivor is, it does not make that person more important or even better. We can't worry about what others say or think about us. We must focus on our own lives and where we are at in our own lives. Yes, we can learn from others who have been there and we can most certainly encourage each other as we continue to heal. We should never make other survivors feel inferior though or make them feel that they have to remain silent about what they have gone through. We've been trapped in silence long enough.

Let your wings heal. It takes time for your wings to heal. As you continue to advance in your healing, then test your wings to see how far you are able to fly. You don't want to rush anything in your healing; if you try to take on too much at one time, you'll find yourself crashing. Learn to fly again but learn at your own rate and don't try to race other survivors because it isn't about who can fly the fastest or the furthest in life. It's about you being able to get to that point in your life where you can fly again and where you can find yourself soaring high as you put distance between your past and your future. The choices that you make in your life are decisions that no one else can make for you. You have to make the ones that are right for you since you are the only one who knows what is best for you and what you can handle in your life. You may be thinking, is it worth it, getting out there and putting yourself out there when you speak out and share your story? I've thought the same thing before and in my heart, I know the answer. For me, it is worth it. It is worth it because I know that even though there are those who try to discourage me from reaching my dreams and gaining my full potential, there are more out there that I am able to help by talking about my past. To me it is worth it to get out there and share my story because I don't care about those who don't like me or who want to bring me down; I only care about those whose lives I am helping to save and am making a difference in by telling my story. Knowing that I can reach others with my story makes it all worth it. Let your wings heal and then when you are ready prepare for flight and fly high to find your destination in life.