It Shouldn't Be Like This: Rebuilding From The Wreckage

We all have those days where we find ourselves looking back on our lives and wondering why we had to go through the things that we did. I'm sure most of you have probably had the thought cross your mind that it shouldn't be like this and this isn't the way things should have turned out. Most of us even start asking why, why did these things happen to us and why did we have to go through this pain? There are moments where we wonder why we still go through the pain when we've broken the chains of the past and have begun to move on to a better life. The other night I found myself having one of those days where I began questioning things and thought to myself that my life shouldn't be like this and that I never should have had to go through the abuse that I did. Well, none of us should have ever had to experience the pain of abuse in our lives. People want us to remain positive all the time and tell us to be thankful that we survived it, but I think that it is okay to have those emotional breakdowns and have those moments where we let it all out. I admit, in private, when no one else is around, I have those days where I just let my emotions go.

For a long time, I never could really open up about what I had gone through. I guess a part of me didn't want to believe and accept the fact that yes, I had indeed been a victim of abuse in my childhood, my marriage, and even by my own peers. Being used to just keeping it all inside and never saying how I truly felt, I just shrugged everything off and pretended that nothing happened. Instead of standing up for myself, I took the verbal abuse from peers and I took the abuse from family. Not wanting to create more drama and make things harder on myself, I figured that it was easier to remain silent about it and never let those who were hurting me know what I was truly feeling on the inside. So for a very long time, I continue to live my life in silence even after I had taken back control of my life. I didn't want to deal with the stereotypes and labeling and I didn't want to put up with people feeling sorry for me for the things I had gone through. Not only that, but I had no idea how to convey those emotions locked up inside for years. Yes, people would ask me how I was doing and somehow I never knew how to answer that. A part of me wanted so badly to tell them what was going on and about the challenges I was facing. Yet another part of me warned against people not understanding about the pain and judging me for something they didn't know about. Yet, the more I kept silent, the more torn up inside I felt. The pain was eating away at my heart until I found myself just fading away and feeling that I only existed as I started to wonder for what reason and purpose I existed. In private, I would get mad and I would think to myself, okay, why am I still alive and why did I survive all this when I still continue to feel pain from the past and go through struggles each day. It got to the point where I couldn't see the point in going on in life. But I knew that in order to make this empty, lonely feeling go away that was keeping me isolated from the rest of the world, I had to take that step forward and begin one by one to confront the demons in my life that were haunting me.

That's when I decided to start with my family and tell them how I felt. I figured I had nothing to lose and walking on eggshells around them was something I no longer wanted to do. If it's one thing that I don't want to be in life it's being a puppet that everyone can control by pulling on the strings and moving me in the direction they want me to go in. I like to pride myself in being the type of person who always stands up for what I believe in even if it means I am standing alone. I've had people come to me and say, well you are so brave and courageous for speaking out and walking away from your family and they tell me that they still put up with things from theirs. My question is why do people continue to take being mistreated from peers and family? I don't care who it is, no one deserves to go through that kind of treatment. We all deserve to be treated with respect. No one is forcing you to stay; you are free to walk away at any time. The courage and bravery that people think I have, well the truth is, they too can have that courage and bravery if they really want to break free. I know that breaking free isn't the easiest thing to do. Since I told my family everything that has been bothering me and since I confronted them, it hasn't been easy because yes, they did decide to treat me as an outcast and turn it all around on me. At the same time, it was the best decision I could have ever made because not only did it lift this burden from my shoulders that was wearing me down, it also finally made me feel that I had complete control of my life and that I could finally move on. You see, in order to start really moving on, we have to learn to say goodbye and cut those ties that are holding us back from living the life we want to live.

There was a time in my life where I felt sorry for myself and I kept thinking that my life shouldn't be like this, that I shouldn't have had to go through all this. My attitude was one of feeling pity for myself. The more I had these little pity parties for myself, though, the more I remained stuck in one place. Everyone else was moving on and accomplishing things when here I was, consoling myself, licking my wounds, and running away from the very people and things I should have been confronting and challenging in my own life. Nothing in life can be solved unless we face it. It doesn't matter if we try to run away from our problems and our past because the truth is, it will always catch up with us. So we might as well just turn around and stare it straight in the face as we fight these battles because they are not going to go away on their own.

We survivors sit here and we say we want to heal and we say we want to live a better life, but how come we continue to do nothing about it and just sit there and take the abuse? I only wished that the things I know now and the strength I have now to speak out and walk away I would have had when I was younger. I wish that I wouldn't have allowed my fear to keep me from escaping in my childhood and staying longer than I should have in my marriage. I don't believe any of us survivors are helpless. That strength is in each of us but if we really want to start rebuilding our lives, we have to stand firm and not let our fear stop us from moving on. I know that it's not always so simple to walk away from abusive situations we are in. Sometimes, it can be very dangerous, but I guess the question we have to ask ourselves is, do I want to stay in this situation where the violence can continue to grow worse and I could possibly lose my life, or do I want to take that chance to escape and do what I can, get the help that I need, and run away from it even if it means risking my life? Hey, if my life is on the line either way, then I choose to take the risk to leave. I knew I didn't want to be like the women in my family who have been abuse victims and have stayed because they were too afraid to get out their on their own and restart their lives. We have to make this decision for ourselves, though. I know people who left their situations and had nothing to their name when they did but that didn't stop them from rebuilding their life and living a life free from abuse.

My way of thinking changed from that of feeling sorry for myself and saying that my life shouldn't be like this because of what I went through to okay, my life shouldn't be like this wallowing in self pity when I can do something about it. I remember my friend's dad one time telling me that in order to live the life I want, I have to go out there and get it because it isn't going to be handed to me. That is so true. We can talk all we want about how we want to do this and how we want to do that, but what good does all that talk do if we are not willing to take the action necessary to make things happen in our own lives? I think it all comes down to how bad do we want it. If we want something so bad we should be willing to fight for it no matter what. My whole life I've had to fight for what I wanted. Unlike my brother, I have never had anything handed to me. I have had to work to get this far. We survivors definitely know not to take our lives for granted because we've each witnessed how in a moment our lives can change completely. I look at the year 2008 and I saw how my honorary dad passed away, how I had friends betray me, and how I had family turn their backs on me and judge me because I had the guts to confront them and say how I felt. I look back over my life and I see the little girl who was never shown love, who moved around a lot from place to place because no one wanted her, who got married to someone who threw her away like she was worthless, and who had to battle anxiety attacks and flashbacks while people told her she was bipolar and various other things. But you know what I also see when I look in that mirror? I see that same little girl now a grown woman who has risen above all that and who has had the determination to keep going in life despite the suicide attempts, despite the emotional neglect and abandonment, despite people telling her she couldn't make it and wouldn't amount to much, despite the self infliction habit now broken, despite a bleeding, broken heart torn into pieces, despite all that, this little girl became a woman who fought for her right to live an abuse free life. Why? Because I believe in myself and I believe in my dreams and goals and I made the promise to myself that I will not allow anything to hold me back from achieving what I'm meant to do in life.

Step by step, I am rebuilding my life after the wreckage. People may look at me and see someone who is broken and see the scars and flaws, but I know that in the wreckage, beauty has been found. Yes, I've had to pick up the pieces of my heart as I dig through that wreckage to find myself. That's just it, though. All these trials that I go through, all these obstacles I have had to overcome have helped me to discover who I really am and see what lies beneath the surface and what is really inside my heart. Back then, when I was that scared little girl, I didn't know who I was. Lost, alone, scared, I wondered where everyone was and why no one ever came to my rescue. Little did I know that those events were preparing me for my future; a future where I would become the one helping to save lives who are trapped in similar situations and whose voices have gone unheard. I am thankful for what I went through as crazy as it may sound because it helped me to see who I am and molded me into the person I am today. Sometimes we have to go through storms and have these negative things happen to us in order to discover how strong we really are. Sometimes, the negative must happen first in order to have the positive happen later on. You can't have the rainbow without first having the rain.

The trials that we go through are preparing us for our calling in life. They are preparing us and shaping us to become the warriors on life's battlefield who fight for others who are still lost and alone out there. If we survivors had not gone through the events that we did, then we wouldn't be able to relate and identify with other survivors and victims out there. This is why instead of thinking about how our lives could have been different had we not have gone through the abuse we did, we should picture how our lives can be now and what we can do to help prevent abuse in the lives of others and help them to live a life free from abuse, too. It shouldn't be like this when we can do something to stop it.

Easier Said Than Done

If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's when people will tell me to just "get over" my past. The other night I received an email from a lady who had stumbled upon my author profile. I don't know where she came across it, but for some reason she felt the need to send me a note to tell me to get over my past. In the note, she said that she had been through everything in her life and that she knew first hand how damaging abuse can be. Then she told me to forgive those who hurt me and that my profile read that I was a victim. She went on to tell me that I need to get over my past and that sometimes silence is the best. She had the nerve to tell me that others have it worse then me. The whole note really made me mad. First off, she doesn't know what I went through growing up. Secondly, I never act like I had it worse then anyone else. I do know that others have it far worse then I ever did. Thirdly, she obviously didn't really read my profile or she would have seen that I use my experiences to actually help survivors and victims heal from the things they went through and encourage them in life. I do not act like a victim. Trust me, I went through the victim role in my childhood and then later on in my marriage. However, I fought hard to get where I am today and maintain that survivor role. For her to just sit there and say that I am a victim and I need to get over the past and that others have it worse then me upset me alot.

So many times I hear people say "get over it" and say that others have or had it worse then I did. Well, when someone is going through abuse, whatever type of abuse it may be, they are not thinking about what others are going through. They are focused on the pain they feel at the time and the abuse they are suffering. The last thing on their mind is that someone else out there is going through something alot worse then they are. To that person going through the abuse, they feel that they have it worse then others. That's how it seems to them. In all honesty, you cannot compare the abuse you went through to the abuse someone else went through because it all affects us differently. Every form of abuse, whether it be mental, sexual, physical, emotional, etc, is damaging and leaves scars behind. I've talked to many victims and survivors of abuse and have heard so many different stories. Alot of them have gone through worse then I have. I'm not saying that what I went through wasn't bad and that it hasn't left its scars on me, but there are times when I am talking to a victim or survivor and hear their story and it makes me see that yes, I had it a little better then others. Then again, abuse is abuse and all of it is bad. No form of abuse is better then another. It all causes pain and damage.

People handle the things they went through in their own way. Everyone's situation is different and everyone has their own way of healing. Just because one person can get over what they went through at a fast rate does not mean that someone else can. I know that the best way for me to heal from my past is to talk about it. I kept things locked up inside for a long time since I never had anyone there for me to talk to about the abuse when I was growing up. Even when I went through the abuse in my marriage, I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. Instead, I tried to push everything to the side, thinking it would all get better and just go away. No matter what anyone says, I do not believe that silence is ever the best. I believe that silence can be your worse enemy. I lived my life in silence for so long. The silence only hurt me even more and caused me to have even more emotional pain. By keeping quiet about the things I went through, I was only hurting myself more. Silence does not accomplish anything. I use to pretend that nothing happened to me and that it would all get better so I kept my mouth shut. Yet, the silence tore me up inside. Silence traps you, making you feel more of a victim. I know it's not always easy to speak out about what you went through. It wasn't easy for me to start talking about the abuse I went through. It does take alot of courage, strength and determination to speak out. When you speak out, you do open yourself up to alot of criticism, misunderstanding, hate, cruelty, among other things. So you have to be mentally prepared to face all that when you choose to use your voice to speak out. The only way that you can help others and help stop the abuse is by speaking out. There are so many people out there that are hurting and feeling lost and alone, wanting to give up, because they feel no one understands. If only more people would start speaking out, then these others would know that they are not alone and we could save lives that have been torn mericlessly apart from the abuse they have gone through.

For a long time, I thought that I had finally reached a point in my life where I had moved on for good from my past. I thought I had finally overcome the anxiety attacks. I told myself that I would not allow another person to put me through the abuse my father put me through. The anxiety attacks and the self-infliction stopped for awhile. Then I got married and my husband's true colors shone through. A person's true colors eventually show no matter how hard they may try to hide it. Although I blamed myself for the divorce and for the marriage falling apart, I realize that it was not my fault. My husband has anger issues that he hasn't resolved. True, sometimes I was the one who started the fights, but instead of just walking away and leaving me alone when I got angry, he pushed me and made me even more angry to where I finally exploded. Then the violence would begin. I remember times that I would walk off and he'd follow me, putting me down still. He never tried to get me help or understand what I went through. As a result, my self-infliction problem started up again. I would close myself in the bathroom after every fight, feeling guilty for hurting him when he had hurt me. Many times it got to the point where I wanted to just end my life. Let me just say this, nobody, I don't care who they are, is worth being with if they drive you to the point that you hurt yourself and want to end your life. If you find yourself in that position, then get out immediately. I should have gone to the police and reported what was going on, but just like when I was younger, I was too afraid of what would happen to me and I feared being locked up. Last night, I talked to my mom on the phone about the divorce. I told her how my husband was violent and she told me that I should have gone to the police. She was like, Jenna, you don't need to be with someone who is violent. I was surprised that my mom said that because I know what she went through with my dad when I was growing up. I guess I know how my mom felt all those years.

I just wish that people would quit labeling abuse victims and survivors. It's so easy for someone who has not gone through abuse to tell us to just "get over it." If they went through abuse, though, they wouldn't be saying that. Then again, there are abuse survivors who will sit there and tell other survivors and victims to just get over it when they have experienced abuse. People need to put themselves in someone else's shoes and realize that everyone's situation is different. The pain that we feel is different from anyone else's. How people handle their pain and deal with their past and how long it takes for them to heal is different. So when people sit there and say "get over it," they need to try to put themselves in the other person's shoes and try to live one day in their life. I bet if someone did that and lived one day in the life of another person, they would understand better what that person is going through. Until you really get to know someone and find out about what they have experienced in their life, then I believe you have no right to tell them to "get over it." There are things that my friends have gone through that I haven't gone through in my life, but I don't sit there and tell them, hey you need to just forget about it and move on. I know that due to the scars left behind from abuse and how horrifying it is, you don't and can't just forget what you went through. True, you can try to block it out, but the reminders are always there. The key is to just keep on fighting in life to get where you want to be and realize that you have a future waiting for you that does not have to reflect the past. Life is not lived by dwelling on the past, but looking to the future. Often times, though, I find myself remembering all that happened to me.

You just have to take all of it one day at a time. I take stuff one step at a time. Even though I do have emotional scars left on my heart and even though my heart has been shattered into pieces, I know that I am not destroyed. The other night a friend of mine told me that I was damaged goods because of all that I have been through. I dont like the term "damaged goods." I don't know, whenever someone tells me I'm damaged goods, it just makes me feel less signifcant and makes me feel that I will never be anything more then a victim when in my heart I know that I have survived so much and fought to get this far. I just think that "damaged goods" is labeling. True, we as abuse survivors and victims have been through alot in our lives, but the fact that we are still here standing strong means that we fought hard to overcome obstacles in our way. I know that I have a broken heart, but I don't really see myself as damaged. I see myself rather as someone who is healing and rising above in life to help others out and be a light in their life, giving them hope and faith again. I may be broken inside but I am not destroyed and I am not finished helping others. People who want to cause me drama and try to tell me what to do can bring it because I am not backing down to anyone or anything. If I backed down, I would be giving all those haters out there the victory over me and I choose to win in life, not lose. Although sometimes by losing you actually win in life. I lost a husband who didn't care about me or love me in this divorce, but I won because I am with someone who understands what I have been through and loves me for the woman I am and overlooks the scars to see the inner beauty. You know, if people would stop labeling and actually overlook the scars, they would see how beautiful the person truly is. Instead they let ignorance blind them to the real beauty inside others. Things they don't understand they are scared of and that is why they walk away.

Don't listen to others who tell you to just "get over it." You are the only one who knows what you went through and you know what is best for you to do in order to heal. Nobody else lived your life so how can they tell you to just get over it when they didn't go through the exact same thing you did? The only way they could say that to you is if they actually lived a day in your life. Our lives are all different. Just be who you are and continue to shine in life. It's always easier said then done when people haven't experienced what you have. So don't let them bring you down. Enjoy your life and make every moment count. All those haters out there who let ignorance blind them and who can't accept others who have gone through tough times, well they can just get over themselves. Keep fighting in life and keep on surviving. You've made it this far all ready so you know you will continue to go even further.

Emerging From The Darkness

Memories, little things that can be quite haunting at time. Although I love the Fall weather, it always brings with it bad memories of events that happened in my past. The abuse I went through usually took place during the Fall and the holiday season. Although people tell me not to worry about the memories and to just focus on other things and not let the memories consume me, it is not that easy. When you've gone through traumatic events in your life, there's no way that you are going to completely block it out for good. I try to focus on the good memories to block out the bad memories.

The holiday season is the toughest on me because well, I've never really had a great family holiday season, being that I am not close to my family. My memories of childhood holidays consist of times my parents would yell, my father throwing things and shattering dishes, my father threatening to leave my mom, arguing and a lot of fighting as well. It took the joy away from the holiday season. I admit that I am jealous of people who are close with their families and who are in loving relationships or marriages. Why? Well, it's not that I am jealous of the person; in fact, I'm happy that others can know this happiness in their own lives. However, as a girl who has always been the one thrown away all the time, cast to the side, and unwanted, I am jealous that they know what true love is and have those in their lives who care about them and love them so much. Not knowing what true love is and having never really heard the words I love you from anyone including my parents, I sometimes wonder what it must be like to know that love that comes from someone who really cares about you, cherishes you, and appreciates you for you.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been if I had never gone through the abuse. Maybe if my parents would have shown me love, I wouldn't have been left alone most of my life to figure things out on my own. Instead I had to fight my battles on my own and try to make it through life myself. If I wanted to get anywhere in life, it required me to fight to survive. Well, in a household turned battlefield, fighting to survive was vital if I hoped to get out alive. So many times I would dream of what my life would be like if I had freedom. At 15 years old, sitting on a bench overlooking Lake Michigan and being able to see a little bit of Chicago on the other side, I wondered what lay on the other side and what lay beyond the horizon. As it grew dark, I would reluctantly go home, knowing that there I faced being ignored and if I was noticed, it was when my parents would take their anger out on me.

The ironic thing is that I came from a religious home. When my family moved to Florida, both my parents worked for a Christian College. However, my parents controlled every aspect of my life, not allowing me to watch television or even listen to the radio because they believed that television and rock music were evil. They would often go through my things and if they saw something that they thought was bad, they would confiscate it and later burn it, claiming they were ridding our house of evil. Some of the things they considered to be evil included a Backstreet Boys poster I had, a Backstreet Boys cd a friend gave me (yes, back then I was a big Backstreet Boys fan), some teen celebrity magazine I had bought at a school book fair, and even a book on my family history that my grandfather had put together. They even took away my diary and threw it out after reading it as well as taking my binder filled with writings. I had no privacy whatsoever.

To the outside world, my parents were viewed as saints. Often people told me that I was very fortunate to have such good parents who cared about me. They wouldn't have said that had they known how life was behind the Linch family household walls. Even when my parents found out about my self infliction problem after a girl at the Christian school I attended went to the Principal about it and told him I was telling everyone I was going to commit suicide, my parents were not concerned about getting help for me. The only thing I heard from them was that their reputation was being ruined and destroyed as parents because of these pranks I was pulling to get attention. They blamed me for making them look bad as parents. Even when I moved out at 17, I still struggled with things in my life. The road I found myself on was one leading to a dead end.

I barely had anything to my name when I left to move back to Florida since at the time I was living in South Carolina with my parents. Some people from a church I used to attend agreed to take me in. But they soon got rid of me because the wife had problems with me and for some reason didn't really like me. The couple had a 2 year old son, a 3 year old son, and a newborn baby girl. The wife told me that having me there was like looking after another kid. So, the church and this was the same church that later threw my brother out because he was going to a public college and had his ears pierced and a few tattoos, paid for me to stay in a motel for 3 nights until my bus left for Dallas since my aunt and uncle agreed to let me stay with them. I found out later my parents had sent me money to buy snacks on the bus trip, but those people I stayed with stole that money and never gave it to me. I lived with my aunt and uncle for awhile before going back to Florida again.

I think that my life started hitting rock bottom starting in 2005. I lost respect for myself and ended up dating men I shouldn't have dated. I drank to try to drown out my depression and get my mind off things. The previous year, I had tried to OD and actually later on I would try it again, I could barely afford to pay my rent and went days without eating, and I honestly had no idea where my life was going. I would say that from 2005 to about 2007, yes it is that recent, that I really struggled in my life. I think it was during those two years of my life that I wanted to give up and was close to quitting and throwing my life away. I wanted to get rid of the painful memories but I found myself in an abusive marriage from April of 2006 to January of 2007. During those times, I starved myself and found myself in the hospital with kidney problems, I picked up my self infliction habit again, and I pretty much just wanted to die. I could not see light at the end of the tunnel with all the pain I was going through. I saw darkness and I soon found myself trapped in darkness.

My self infliction problem started getting out of hand. I would lock myself in the bathroom, turn off the lights, and sit there in the dark, not daring to open the door because I didn't want to face my husband. I was afraid of him like I had been afraid of my dad at one time. Trying to rid myself of the emotional pain, I would cut to feel physical pain. Despite what people may say about self inflictors not fully understanding why they self inflict, I knew exactly why I was doing it. I picked up the habit when I was 13 and it took me years to overcome it. But I knew that I was doing it to rid myself of the emotional pain I felt inside and I knew I was using it as a way to punish myself because my abusers led me to believe that I was hurting them and destroying them when they were the ones hurting me. So I was very much aware of why I was self inflicting. However, I started losing control and would black out in the bathroom after doing it. I had no one to help me and I was afraid to tell anyone about the self infliction because I knew how people viewed self inflictors, often judging them and labeling them as freaks. I suffered through it on my own. I found myself feeling numb inside and part of me wanted to die so the pain would go away, but another part of me wanted to live and find a way out.

The darkness completely engulfed me and I watched my life spiraling out of control. I was scared and looking in the mirror, I no longer really knew who I was anymore. I felt myself slipping off the edge of life . Just as my mom had gone through severe depression when I was growing up, I started sinking into severe depression. When I was a kid, I used to cry myself to sleep at night. Well, once again, I cried myself to sleep at night. I hated the person I was becoming. I yearned for a way out from all of this. I knew if I continued to stay on this path, I would eventually completely destroy myself. I didn't want to hurt myself and I knew I didn't want to really die. When my husband and I separated, I began to find myself again. I began to rebuild what was left of my life and the shattered pieces of my heart. I knew that if I wanted to survive, I was going to still have to fight. I would have to battle these bad memories that came to mind and I would have to make positive changes in my life.

So that is exactly what I did. Finding the strength deep within me, I used that strength to pull myself out of the darkness. I started making positive changes in my life by starting with cleaning out my drama closet. Anyone who only brought me down in life and served as a negative influence, I dismissed from my life. I surrounded myself with positive people who encouraged me in my journey rather than just tear me down. I looked on the bright side of life and thought about all the things I had going for me. I continued to write and put out more books. I did what I could to take my mind off those urges that were calling my name. I gave up drinking for good since it made me someone I didn't want to be. I made the decision to stay single so I could focus on my work, my dreams, and my goals. Instead of comparing myself to others and feeling jealous that they had close family ties and good marriages and relationships, I concentrated on the friends in my life who do love me and are there for me and I counted the blessings in my life. I learned to love myself again and appreciate myself. When I started Rising Above, I found something that made me feel alive and something I could devote my time to so I wouldn't think about the past. Using Rising Above to help other survivors and victims actually has helped me as well. When I read the stories submitted by other survivors, it inspires me to keep going and to keep fighting in life. I know that I can't just give up and I don't want to return to that darkness that once held me prisoner and sentenced me to silence.

I've learned not to take my life for granted. I've learned to appreciate the good things in my life and not dwell on the bad. I've learned to make the most of my life and to take those chances and risks. I've learned to get rid of negative influences and fake friends who only want to take advantage of me. I've learned to take life one day at a time, one step at a time when it comes to healing. I've learned that I'm not alone in what I go through because I do have friends who care about me. I've also learned not to make people a priority who only make me an option and to not worry about the people from the past who walked out and didn't stay to make it to my present and future. I don't want to trade in my life because I have finally found my way back to the light. People may try to bring me down, they may say things about me, but as long as I know who I am and believe in myself and what I am doing, then I won't find myself back on that road leading to a dead end. I did overcome my self infliction problem. For the self inflictors out there, don't ever think that you can't overcome it. I think it is a myth when people say self inflictors have a disease that they can't be cured from and that they will never get over this habit. If alcoholics can overcome their drinking problems, if drug addicts can break their habit and stop taking drugs, then why can't self inflictors break their habit as well? What I'm saying is that if you want to stop and take the steps to break the habit, you can do it. It is not impossible. Nothing is impossible when you believe in yourself. I know that addictions are hard to break. But I also know that it is possible. Just don't get mad at yourself if you slip up. That does not make you a bad person. When I started to break my cutting habit, I did have those times where I slipped up after going so long without doing it. So don't be hard on yourself if you do slip up. A habit is something that you are not going to break right away; it takes time and hard work to overcome it but as long as you are willing to do what you can and get the help that you need to overcome it, you will gain victory in your life.

Your life may start out rough and you may find yourself in tough situations. Don't give up though. Focus on your dreams and goals, follow your heart and let it guide you to your destination and calling, and make the most of your life because if it's another thing I have learned it's that it's never too late to get that life that we've always wanted. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. You've all ready come a long way in your life and you are a survivor in life. I know that some people do not like the term survivor. Some people think that they have not survived anything. But I believe that living in itself and making it day to day is surviving. So therefore, I think that we are all survivors in life since we've all experienced things and we've all seen things. At some point in our lives, we've all had to overcome obstacles that were in our way. So we are all survivors of life. Don't lose focus on your dreams and goals. My life didn't start out great, but I kept fighting to survive and now here I am, making the most out of what I have. I have no regrets and I can honestly say that my life is worth it. Find that light in your life and hold onto those good memories for they will help you on your way to healing and discovering your calling and destination.

Changing My Reflection

Usually, when I talk about the abuse I went through, I don't really talk that much about my mother. It's always about the abuse my dad put me through or the abuse that I suffered in my marriage. Yes, the abuse they both put me through did effect me, but seeing my mom get abused and what she went through greatly effected me as well. When kids see violence going on in their home, they are effected by it whether they are getting abused or not.

There were a few years in my childhood where things were all right and there was peace in the home. My memory only takes me back so far; I don't exactly remember everything that happened in my family when I was a little kid. Most of the memories I have center around the time that I started going through the abuse which was when I was 11 years old. But at one point, the family did seem to be happy and there wasn't any abuse.

My mom use to be a lot like me. She was a very strong woman who had her own opinions, who was involved in her kids' lives, who was very creative, and very loving and caring. We were close during a brief period of my childhood. I can still remember the shopping trips we'd go on, the trips we'd take, how she was involved with my school and planned activities and field trips for my class, how she would keep score at my basketball games and be there to cheer me on. Honestly, I like to hang onto those memories of my mom before I saw her totally change and watched her sink into depression. I like to think of my mom as that beautiful, caring person that she use to be. Even though our relationship changed and fell apart, at one time my mom was my best friend.

I'm not sure exactly when my father started abusing her. I know that there were problems between them before they ever got married. Often, I would hear my parents fight and hear my dad say how he was going to look for another place to live. Talk about divorce was something common to hear in my family. I remember one time my mom telling me and my brother that we would have to choose who we were going to live with. But it never happened. Instead, she chose to stay with my dad. The only time that she actually thought about really leaving him for good was the day that he slapped me across the face for the first time. She took me and my brother and we went for a drive. Stopping at a grocery store, she called a friend of hers from a payphone. I thought that we were going to go over there, but we didn't. After hanging up with her friend, she drove back home. I really wish she would have had the strength to leave him.

I never really understood why my mom stayed with my dad. As time went on, though, I began to see why she chose to stay. The brainwashing my father used on her broke her spirit down. I saw how he treated her, from breaking things in front of her to taking her by the arm and throwing her down on the bed. Those are images I cannot forget. Because he destroyed her self-esteem, she was too insecure. She didn't leave because well she didn't have a college education and she had very few friends, so I believe she stayed due to her fear of being alone to raise two kids on her own. Since she was so use to the abuse from my father, she thought she couldn't get any better and that she didn't deserve anything better. So I lived my childhood being a victim to his abuse. She never intervened when my dad abused me either even though time and time again I intervened for her.

When I was 13, my mom really started sinking into depression. At the place my father worked, there was some lady he had been casually flirting with and who he was trying to help get over a divorce. Now, to this day, I do not know the whole truth about what happened between him and her. I will never know the real truth, I'm sure. It's probably best that way, too. From the story my father told me and my brother, he did flirt with her and she started liking him. However, my father was not about to cheat on my mother so he never had any kind of intimate relationship with this woman. Apparently, it made her mad that she couldn't have him so she went to Human Resources and claimed he was sexually harassing her. My dad was fired from his job. They didn't listen to his side of the story and the papers that he signed said that me and my brother could not go back and sue the company for firing him or sue the lady who lied about him. Oh, trust me, if I could find her, I would sue her. Then again, all the money in the world couldn't fix the damage that she caused my family.

Because of that incident, my mom sank into depression and was never the same again. She believed my father had cheated on her. I watched my mom just fade away, becoming a shadow of the person that she once was. She completely withdrew from me and my brother's lives, never interested in what was going on. I would tell her I was going to my friend's house or going to the movies with them, and she would say okay. She wasn't even aware that my grades at school were dropping. All I remember during that time was my mom locking herself up in the bathroom or bedroom. She refused to come out and stayed locked up for hours at a time. I could always hear her crying, too. Looking back, I wish I would have been there more for her, to tell her how much I loved her and cared about her.

Since she didn't believe my father, the tables turned in the family and she began to try to brainwash my father. Behind closed doors, she made him repeat things over and over again about how there were no other women in his life and how she was the only one. She did not want him going to the mall because she thought he was looking at other women. When driving through cities on vacations, she would tell my father to close his eyes when she spotted a billboard that she thought very inappropriate. I was not allowed near my dad. If I even ventured to go into his office at home to see him, she told me to leave him alone, that I would only be distracting him. One time, she got upset when she came home from work and saw me sitting on my dad's lap. She admitted to me once when I was younger that she was jealous of the relationship I had with my dad since at one time, I was close to my dad and was Daddy's Little Girl. She never had a close relationship with her father because my grandfather had an affair and divorced my grandmother when my mom was very little. My grandfather never spent time with my mom, either. When she'd go visit him, he would ignore her and her stepmom was the one who spent time with her. Her stepmom didn't even care that much for kids.

My mom drove my dad to the point he wanted to end his life. She would start fights with him and I would hear her tell him things such as "Hit me." She egged him on. My mom even went as far to lie to him about me and my brother and get us into trouble. It's as if she enjoyed lying about us just to see us get in trouble. She started buying herself clothes but didn't even bother to take care of me and my brother. We had to take care of ourselves because my parents went out to eat all the time and went places all the time, leaving us behind. So yes, there was neglect in my family as well.

The one thing I was always afraid of was being like my mom. I saw how she stayed with my father and saw how she sank into depression and I didn't want to be like that. My mom use to tell me that I would marry someone exactly like my father. Everytime she told me that, my response was always then I just won't get married. However, I did get married to a guy exactly like my father. It was during my marriage that I went through the same things my mom went through. I entered some pretty dark times in my marriage where I felt myself on the edge of life. I stood on the edge of life, looking down, considering taking the fall and giving up because of what he put me through.

Just like my mom, I locked myself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out. I started suffering anxiety attacks, began self inflicting again, and blacked out a few times in the bathroom to find myself waking up 3 hours later and wondering why in the world I was laying in the middle of the bathroom floor with a piece of glass beside me and seeing the cuts on my shoulders. At this time in my life, I felt very isolated from the rest of the world. I felt very alone and very afraid. It's as if I lost complete control of my life. When I walked away from arguments, my ex husband followed me and yelled at me. He knew the impact and effect his words had on me. Sadly, our fights we had were the only time he paid me any attention. His words made me mad and I lashed back out. I felt like a caged up animal that had nowhere to go but kept getting poked at so that I finally lashed out to defend myself. That is how I felt. It's like he got pleasure from seeing me hurt myself. He watched me tape myself cutting and would sit on the couch, not moving, just watched me as I lost control of my life. To him it was just a game. Several times, I foolishly took him back, believing his lies when he said this wasn't him and that he never meant to hurt me. He would say how much he hated his life, how he couldn't do anything right, and make me feel sorry for him so that I stayed. I now know that was just a trick of his he used so that I wouldn't tell anyone what was going on because he didn't want to get into any trouble. He listened to a conversation I had with my brother on the phone once, when I was sitting outside, and heard me tell my brother I was going to get a lawyer. I walked into the house and he confronted me about it. He threatened to turn over all the tapes he had where I cut myself and got mad at him. He even threatened me in front of one of my friends the day that I took all my things and went to stay with her.

I learned to hate the mirror. When I looked in the mirror, I would see my mom staring back at me. I saw someone ugly and worthless when I looked into that mirror I began to see that by staying with him, I was becoming just like my mom. She chose to stay with her abuser, but I was not going to make the same mistakes that she made. Instead, I was determined to learn from her mistakes and not repeat them. I hated the reflection I saw staring back because it showed me an image of the scared little girl I use to be who did not have the strength to just leave and get out. It showed me a reflection of a woman who was destined to be just like her mom if she did not find the strength and courage to break away.

That's when I found the strength and courage in me to change my reflection in the mirror. I decided that I was not going to be like my mom. It was not going to be like mother, like daughter with me. I figured that if I had the courage and strength at 17 to move out of my house when I didn't even have a set plan, then I could find that same strength and courage to leave my marriage and leave behind an abusive spouse who didn't even deserve me. I certainly didn't deserve to be emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by him all the time. He liked to use every excuse in the book about why we were getting divorced. You will never him say that it's because of the abuse he put me through. Of course not. Why would he own up to that? They never do. Instead, they make excuses and try to blame the victim who becomes a survivor when they leave. He even told his friends that he was getting a divorce because it just didn't work out. Well, I'm not going to sit here and lie about the reason for the divorce. The reason for it is because he abused me. I refuse to deny the truth and cover it up. It was not because we got married too young or anything like that.

Now that I am venturing out on my own, I have found the positive and beautiful that came out of all of this. The beautiful and positive is that I am finally seeing my dreams come true. Before, I never did anything I wanted to do. I never ventured out to make my dreams become reality. Now that I am free to pursue my dreams, I have a third book coming out in October, I started a magazine for victims and survivors that I always wanted to start, and I have a fun internet radio show that I enjoy doing where I have the chance to talk to other survivors out there who are making a difference. Although I still go through hard times, I'm starting to love life again and I'm beginning to love myself as well.

What do I see now when I look in the mirror? Well, it's not the reflection of a broken down, scared girl anymore. It is a reflection of a survivor who is healing, of a fighter who has fought my way to get this far, the face of a warrior on life's battlefield who is too stubborn and strong willed to allow anything to stop me from achieving my dreams. I see a reflection of someone who has learned from the past but now uses it to help others. The woman looking back at me through the glass is one who is strong, beautiful, and courageous; one who believes in herself and what she is doing. That is the reflection that I now see when I look into that mirror.

I know that I don't have to be like my mom. I just want to be me. No matter what life throws my way, I know I am not alone and never will be alone. I've chosen the path that is best for me in life and I will continue to pave the way for other survivors and I will continue to serve as a voice for those who have gone unheard. This is my time to make a difference, and my time to step up to reach out to those still trapped in silence. Leaving was the best thing I could have done for myself. Do I regret walking away for good? Absolutely not! I made the right choice and because I made that choice, I have the freedom to enjoy life and live it to the fullest.

Beyond The Surface: Understanding The Feelings of a Survivor

"Just because you were hurt by one person doesn't mean the next one is going to hurt you." This advice given to me by my best friend today echoes in my mind as I sit here thinking about my life and the barriers I often put up that keep people out. If it's one thing that I struggle with it is letting people close to me and letting my guard down when it comes to those who really do want to help me in life. I refer to this as the defense mechanism that we survivors often have after being hurt by people in the past. As I read this simple piece of advice given to me, it makes me realize that for a long time now I have been allowing fear to hold me back from taking chances to love again and to establish close friendships. For those of you who know someone who has been abused, whether you are their friend, parent, spouse, significant other, or just someone who cares about what they go through, it can be very frustrating to find yourself being shut out by them because they won't let you near them due to the defense mechanism that has been put into place.

This defense mechanism is nothing personal against you, though. One of the biggest battles in a survivor's life is learning to trust again and letting our guard down around people. The only life we have known is that of being hurt over and over again by those that we thought were there to protect us and keep us safe from harm. We gave them our heart and they took it and broke it into pieces by hurting us when they betrayed our trust. This is something that takes awhile for us to learn how to overcome in our lives when we start to heal. On the surface, we appear to be strong and we don't often show those emotions and feelings that are behind that smile of ours. Afraid to show people the fragile side of us and not wanting them to see the broken parts of us, we only show certain sides of us as we let people think that we are okay and nothing is wrong. Sometimes it is hard for us to go to people for help and let them help us because we are so used to doing things on our own and taking care of ourselves since some of us deal with abandonment issues from those who just walked out on us and never gave us a chance in life.

I'm just now beginning to see that I am doing the exact same thing to people in my life who want to be there for me. My fear has led me to believe that the next person is going to hurt me and of course, that is also my insecurity from the past whispering in my ear. I've always been the type that thought I could just handle everything on my own. People in my past have made the comment that when they tried to get close to me and tried to be there for me, I just pushed them away and not knowing what else to do or how to help me, they walked away. It is true that I have felt alone in my life for all these years, but the defense mechanism that I have up is causing me to isolate myself from those who want to be there for me. Instead, I find myself lapsing into that old bad habit of mine which is comparing them to those from my past who hurt me deeply. This isn't fair or right for me to do that, though, because there are those who don't want to hurt me and really care about me. For us survivors who have never really known what love is, been shown love in our lives, or even had anyone want to be there for us, we get scared when someone comes along who is different, sincere, kind, and not like the others. Yes, we do want that love and happiness, but there's that nagging fear in our minds that reminds us of the past and how everyone else left us behind and abandoned us as we had to struggle to find our own way in life.


For me the insecurities stem from the abuse that my father and my husband put me through. Neither one wanted me and when both left my life, I felt that I was just this worthless piece of trash that they decided to throw away. I embarked on my journey of healing as a survivor when I was 17 and left home for good. That journey of healing though had a major setback when I entered an abusive marriage when I was just 20 years old. The brainwashing that I was put through, the psychological abuse, the public humiliation, the verbal abuse, all of it has left scars on my heart that I often try to conceal from the outside world. There was a point in my life, right after my husband left, that I shut my heart down and gave up on love and happiness. It was easier for me to put the defense barriers up so that no one could hurt me again. Even now, I'm not sure how to ask for help from others since most of my life I have been let down and I have had to face battles on my own as I fought off those haunting demons of my past. I guess you could say that when it comes to my life, I have always been the superhero saving others and have never had anyone there to save me. Yes, I will admit it, I do need saving in my own life. But since I am so used to playing the role of being the one to help others, I forget to focus on myself and take care of my own needs. But we survivors are like that. We get so caught up in helping others, making sure that they don't go through what we went through, that we put our own selves on hold and we forget to take care of ourselves and make sure we get the care that we need. Then when others point that out, we don't want to hear it.

I admit, I don't always like to hear things about my personal life from others. Sometimes, I over react and take things the wrong way because I remember something from the past and I think that the person is judging me or criticizing me. I have had people tell me that I am too defensive and that I worry too much about what others say about me. I've also heard that I don't take advice from others that well when they are trying to help me. Now, there is a difference between helping someone and just pointing out their flaws as you make them feel bad about themselves, treating them as if they know nothing and making them feel inferior. I don't believe that you should make someone feel inferior or that they haven't done much in their lives; I don't believe in comparing stories, and I don't believe in putting people down either and making them feel that you are interrogating them or forcing things on them. I will own up to the fact that I don't always read things the right way and I do get defensive sometimes when people are trying to help me in a constructive manner. This comes from my past as well when my father and husband used to interrogate me all the time and put me on trial for everything. If I didn't answer right away, they'd get mad at me, often making me feel stupid. So many times I heard how I was delusional and needed to get help. It is for this reason that I get defensive sometimes when others tell me that I should get counseling or get help or take medications or anything like that. When I was younger, I was forced to go see psychologists because I was made to believe that everything was my fault. All the blame got placed on me and even when I tried to meet their expectations, they reminded me of how much I fell short of them. I think that for those of us who have gone through that treatment from our abusers, it is quite normal for us to have that defense mechanism immediately come into play when others try to give us advice and constructive criticism. Our first reaction is that they are trying to tell us how to live our lives and they are trying to point out everything that is wrong with us. Instead of really thinking about what they are telling us, we lash out. It's nothing personal against the person that is trying to help us though. It's just that we've been picked and prodded at so many times from our abusers that we just automatically lash out without meaning to. I am working on learning to see things from another person's perspective, put myself in their place, and try to break down what they are really saying so that I understand what they are really telling me instead of lashing out and attacking them.


I'm the type of person who does like to help others and try to help them heal. There have been relationships that I've been in where I gave up because the other person wouldn't allow me to be there for them and help me out. But it was something else that my best friend said to me that made me see yet another thing in my own life. He is the type that likes to help others and be there for them and he said that people shut him out and he never gets that chance to be there for them because someone hurt them before which had nothing to do with him but they shut him out because of that. Admittedly, I've kind of done the same thing to him without meaning to. When he said that to me, it opened my eyes to see that the same way that the friends from the past shut me out and wouldn't let me close enough to help them get through the tough times in their lives, I have been treating others the same way. I don't want to treat people that way. This is where I can identify with those of you who are trying to help someone but they just seem to keep pushing you away no matter how much you are there for them. I've been in that position before so I know what it's like. Believe me, I know how frustrating it can be to see someone you care about hurting and not being able to do anything about it because they won't let you in. You start feeling helpless as you watch them going through the pain and more than anything, you just want to tell them that it's going to be okay and you want to go back and erase all that pain that people from before have caused them. But the barriers they put up around their hearts prevent you from doing so. They may not mean to shut you out, either. But the memories rewind themselves in their minds and they are afraid of getting hurt again.

That's another thing I am learning to deal with. I always seem to have trouble letting my guard down around people. Out of bad habit yet again, I think okay, what do they want from me, what's their motive, are they going to hurt me too? Once again, those insecurities from the past rare their ugly heads and whisper into my ear not to trust the person or let them close to me; that it will be another mistake if I do so. When those insecurities pop up like that and remind us of all those who have hurt us, we end up pushing people away and put up an emotional blockade around our hearts. I'll come out and say this, right now, there is someone in my life that I like. Yes, it does scare me to take a chance on the friendship and see where it leads to because I am not used to anyone really seeing me for me and wanting to be there. This person means a lot to me and he's different and not like the others in my life, but the thing that keeps getting in my way is fear. It is my own fear from the past that is holding me back from taking this chance to possibly be with someone that treats me well and appreciates me for me and sees the worth in me that I don't see. I don't even know for sure if this friend has the same feelings for me, but yes I do like him. Today my insecurities got in the way and I think I let my pride get in the way because I tried to push him away without meaning to. He was trying to help me deal with things in my life and I shut him out because I found myself having those feelings of fear again. This is a note to those who are dating a survivor or who like a survivor but have never gone through abuse in their own lives. When it comes to dating a survivor, there will be times that we may put those defenses up and we may start feeling that we are not good enough and that this is too good to be true. The reason is that we have not been shown love in our lives before and a part of us is afraid and a part of us wants to run away from it because running away is something we've known when it comes to dating and comes to someone good coming into our life. It has nothing to do with you. We just still have those fragile parts that are still healing and we are afraid to show you that side because we don't want to get hurt and we don't want you to leave. We really do want you to stay but we're not sure how to always let you know our real feelings and emotions that we are dealing with so we have a hard time opening up sometimes. But if you truly love the person, be patient, show them that you care, and let them know everyday how much you love them and that you are not going to leave. Show them that you are not going to leave but that you are there to walk beside them and fight those haunting demons off. If the person is worth it to you, stay. Stay even if they put those walls up, stay and break through those walls. You know the best way to break through those walls is to keep showing them what real love is as you prove that you are not like the person who hurt them before. When they see that, they'll start opening up more but it does take time and patience.


Yes, we survivors have so many emotions and feelings that we often hide. Really, though, none of us want to be alone in life. We all want to be happy and be loved. We all want to know that there is someone out there who cares about us. It's just that we don't always know how to come and say it or even show it. It takes someone compassionate, caring, understanding, loving, etc. to look beyond the surface to really understand those feelings and emotions that we hide away. It takes someone who can hear our hearts' silent cry and is willing to answer it. To those helping survivors to heal, keep on being there for them. Don't walk away because then that makes you like the ones that have hurt them previously. No matter how long it takes, stay right there beside them, take their hand, and walk down that road of life with them as you help mend their broken hearts and repair their damaged wings for flight again. For my fellow survivors who struggle with trusting and who struggle with letting people close, please don't keep isolating yourselves from others because you think that the next person is going to hurt you. It's like my best friend said, just because one person has hurt you before doesn't mean the next one is going to hurt you. Don't let fear hold you back from establishing close friendships and being in a healthy relationship with someone wonderful. Fear keeps us from knowing what our lives can really be like. So take chances and don't be afraid to let people help you. We all need someone in life to be there for us. It takes courage though to open our hearts and let love in again. However, it is worth it. Just like we don't want to be judged for what we have been through or have people compare their stories to us, we shouldn't assume things about others and we shouldn't compare them to those who have hurt us. We need to give them a chance first to see how they truly are as we get to know them for who they are.

Character-That Which Defines You and Sets You Apart

If it's one thing that I believe makes us stand out from everyone else it is our character. Our character defines who we are. In a world where society ignores certain issues, tells us how to live and act, tries to control what we do, and puts pressure on us to be a certain way it is important that we maintain our strong character and stand up for what we believe in. Too many people follow the crowd because they yearn for acceptance. They are quick to just trade in their beliefs to be popular and to be liked by everyone else. Instead of standing out, they blend in with everyone else because they choose to become just like the rest of the world.

But why be like the rest of the world? Why do what they want us to do? We should have the strength to take control of our own lives and not let anyone else dictate how we live or tell us what we can or cannot do. I have always been the type of person who has stood up for what I believe in, not caring what others say or think about me. Speaking out about abuse and the damage it causes, putting myself out there and sharing my story, and following my heart by being passionate about an issue that goes ignored by society sometimes makes me enemies. I have had people tell me that I should not just put my life story out there like I do. I've had people tell me not to write, that I'm not emotionally stable enough to help others. I've had people say that I make everything up and that I still play the role of a victim. However, I disregard what they say because I know the truth about what happened in my own life. They were not there so how can they tell me what happened in my past when they weren't the ones present when everything happened? Instead, I take all those negative things people say about me, all the discouraging remarks they make towards me, and I use them as my inspiration and motivation to keep doing the work that I do.

I'm not the type of person to just sit there and say nothing. There are some people who expect others to walk around on eggshells and hide the truth about things. I wasn't raised that way though. I was not raised or brought up to just walk on eggshells and I refuse to walk on eggshells around anyone either. Walking on eggshells and being cautious about what we say is not living. Change cannot happen in this world if we are always tiptoeing around issues that need to be brought to attention. How can we expect things to get better and how can we expect to see things change if we do not speak up and stand up for what we believe in? No, standing up for what you believe in is not always going to make you popular. You may very well find yourself standing alone. But I believe it is better to stand alone then to follow the crowd and remain silent while we watch lives being shattered apart. It is worth the risk to speak out and stand up to those who oppose us. If we just run away from our fears all the time, then we will never accomplish or achieve anything and we will just lose battles in our lives. We cannot allow fear to hold us back from doing what we were meant to do.

I remember when I was younger, I use to be so afraid of my father. Often, I would hide from him and not go around him. I was very careful about what I said or did around him because I never knew what would set him off. So I felt helpless and trapped, feeling there was nothing I could do to get out of my situation. All that changed though when I found the courage to stand up to my father. True, my father did not appreciate that I stood up to him, but I knew that if I did not stand up to him, I would always live my life feeling miserable, helpless, and trapped. I had to take that chance and take that step to stand up to him to show him that I was not going to let him continue to hurt my mom or hurt me. I found the strength that had been in me the whole time when I finally stood up to my dad. We will never know what true courage is and we will never know what we can do if we just stand there and do nothing.

People will say they believe in something, that they stand for something, but yet they don't take action to put their dreams in motion. They don't do anything to start a change or make a difference. We need to be able to back up our words and show something for it if we're going to sit there and claim that we are about something or that we believe in something. I've never been about popularity or being noticed. I speak out and stand up for what I believe in because I want to make a difference in this world, I want to see a change, and I want to help save innocent lives from being shattered apart from the abuse that goes on. Any time we take the lead, step up, and begin to make a change then we must expect that we will have those out there who are against us. However, if we listen to them and allow them to bring us down with their words, we let them have the victory in our lives. I don't know about you, but I want to have the victory in my own life and I don't want someone else having control over any part of my life especially when I have fought long and hard to get this far in my journey. I was a victim in my own life for way too long, I was trapped in silence for way too long, and I never want to play the victim role again.

One of my heroes in life is Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I wish I could have met that brave, courageous leader. The reason why he is my hero and inspiration in life is because he never backed down in what he believed. He went through so much oppression by standing up for what he believed in. Dr. King, though, had passion and he believed in what he was doing. He followed his heart and set out to make a change in this world. He paved the way, leaving his footprints for later generations to follow. He took risks and chances but he wasn't afraid to take them. Dr. King was definitely a man who had strong character. Even today, his teachings and his legacy live on. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is definitely an inspiration to me because when I look at all that he achieved and all that he did, it just motivates me even more to get out there and make a change and a difference in the world around me. One day, when my life is over, I want to be remembered as a person who was not afraid to stand up for what I believed in and who had the determination and courage to follow my heart and have the passion and fire to make a difference in the lives of others. Honestly, I would rather be known for my character instead of my reputation. I can't remember where I read it or heard it, but I heard one time that character is more important than reputation because unlike reputation, character cannot be ruined or destroyed.

People can set out to ruin my reputation and say whatever they want about me. However, it is my character that defines me, not my reputation. My character is what sets me apart from the rest. It is what makes me who I am. I'm not one to give up on my dreams just because others say I can't achieve them. Go ahead, tell me I can't because I will show you that I most certainly can. When I hear someone tell me "I can't" it just fuels the fire and gives me that drive to show them that I can.

Character is what sets you apart and defines you. Don't get caught up in being accepted by the in crowd and doing what they want you to do. Life is like a game of chess where you must decide your next move but don't let someone else control you as if you are nothing more then a pawn. Take control of your own life. Stand up for what you believe in even if it means making sacrifices and standing alone. I'd rather stand alone than just give into everyone else and abandon my beliefs, my dreams, and my goals. The time is now for us to make a change and a difference in this world. Why wait to go after what we want when we can start now? Don't just say that you believe in something or stand for something; back your words up and take action to start making a difference and change in this world. The more we wait, the more time we waste. I'll leave you with a quote on character that I came across to give you something to think about and to me, it's one of the best quotes on character that I have heard,

"True character is not shown through doing what others expect and want. True character is shown by standing up for what you believe in, no matter how unpopular it may be."

-Jay Goldman
Co-Founder, Never Quit-


Something to think about. Would you rather be known by your reputation and do whatever everyone else wants you to do, or would you rather be known for your character and as someone who has the courage, determination and strength to take a stand even if it means standing alone?

History Doesn't Have To Repeat Itself

Recently I have been going through some of my books that I have and I came across a book that my grandfather gave me about the history of the Linch side of the family. The Linch side of the family is my father's side. My grandfather loves to research our family history and their roots. He's really into genealogy. When I came across the Linch Family History book the other day, I decided that I would skim through it. Needless to say, I ended up reading it because it caught my interest. I noticed a pattern in the history of my family.

The history of the Linch side is kind of dark. I've always known that there were problems on that side of the family but I never knew just how violent and bad things were on that side. As I read about my ancestors, I found out that some of them committed suicide, one actually killed his own baby because he thought the child was demon possessed, my great grandfather committed murder and then killed himself instead of being arrested, my great grandmother went missing in the late 1940's but it doesn't say what happened to her or if she was ever found, my great uncle was murdered because he had an affair with someone else's wife, and the list goes on. I even remember when I went to my grandmother's funeral back in 2005, one of my great uncles talked about a family feud that has been going on in the Linch family in which relatives of mine on that side shot at each other. So you could say that there is a history of violence that runs in my family. I also noted a history of abuse as well.

That got me thinking about what I do know about my dad's background. My father grew up in a broken home. He saw the abuse that went on between his own parents. One of the stories he use to tell me was how one day his parents got into a fight and my grandmother picked up a knife and threw it at my grandfather's foot. My grandfather then turned around and decked her hard across the face. I don't know much about my grandmother and unfortunately I never got to meet her; she passed away in 2005 from diabetes. I know that she did go through some pretty rough times in her life though. My grandfather never spent time with my dad at all. It's interesting to see the pattern in my family. My grandfather was an orphan after his father killed himself and his mother went missing, leaving behind her 3 kids. My grandfather didn't spend time with my father at all and they don't even get along to this day. Then my dad never spent much time with me and put me through abuse. So it's like there's a cycle in my family that keeps being passed down from generation to generation.

If you look at my mom's side of the family, her dad left her mom after he had an affair with a nurse; he was a doctor. He never spent time with my mom at all when she went to visit him. It was her stepmom who would spend time with her. I know that my grandmother would pick on my mom all the time for her weight and my mom and her sister fought a lot. In fact, it was my aunt who was my grandmother's favorite and this later reflected when it came to the grandchildren. My grandparents would have pictures up of my cousins and they would go to all their events and hardly ever go to anything that involved me and my brother. I always noticed the favoritism; I always felt it. My mom in a way treated me exactly how her own mother treated her. She would get onto me for my weight all the time. She would say negative things about me too. She never played favorites though between me and my brother. Well, sometimes she did. There were times she'd tell me I should be more like my brother and say he was the better kid. So the way she was treated was the way she treated me. She was even jealous of the relationship I had with my father. She wouldn't allow me to go near him and got mad if she saw me talking to him or anything. She admitted to me one time that she was jealous of me because she was never close to her dad and at one time I use to be close to my dad. But my mom helped ruin that father/daughter relationship for me.

Then, I grew up and married someone like my father. Before getting married, I went through a period where I didn't respect myself and would just date a lot of guys. I started drinking to try to get rid of my problems. My life was going downhill. Then I managed to get back on the right track and quit drinking and quit dating around. However, I married someone like my father who abused me and put me through hell. That's when I finally realized how my mom felt all those years that my dad abused her. The scary thing is that during those times he would abuse me, I became angry and violent. A side of me came out that I never wanted to see, that I never wanted to come out. I battled with self infliction once again; a habit I developed at the age of 13 but had broken it for awhile. I started losing control of my life and although I went through abuse in my marriage, I will admit that because he drove me to the point I wanted to end my life, because he would keep making me angry when I would try to walk away, a violent side did come out where I did fight back. It's a side of me that I am determined is never going to come back because I am not a violent person by nature. But he brought out that dark side of me with everything he put me through.

If it's one thing that I determined, it was that I was going to break the cycle and not repeat the family history. I didn't want to be like my mom and stay with my abuser. I didn't want to be this angry, violent person who just wanted to die all the time because of the emotional pain I felt inside. I battled dark days, reliving painful memories of the past. I knew that I had to get out so I would not end up destroying my own life. Just because my family has a history of being violent, does not mean that I have to continue that pattern. I knew I had a choice to make. I could either continue that pattern passed down from previous generations, or I could stand up for myself and take my life back, breaking that cycle for good. I took my life back and I am breaking that cycle. One day, if I have the opportunity to be a mom and have a family of my own, I know that I am not going to be like my mom and I am not going to put my children through abuse. I honestly don't know how anyone can hurt a child. Children are precious gifts, angels sent from above. How anyone could dare hurt a child and traumatize them, I just don't understand. That is why I decided to dedicate my life to reaching out to victims and survivors of domestic violence and child abuse. I don't want to see any more innocent lives shattered from the nightmares of abuse.

For those of us who have gone through abuse in our lives, it is so easy to be bitter and hate the world because of what we went through. It's easy to let hate fill our hearts. I admire those survivors who have gone through so much in their lives and have not allowed the hate and bitterness to take over in their lives. Instead, they fight for those who have gone and are going through abuse, making a difference and saving lives. There was a time where I was bitter and I hated the world. I had to learn to love myself again and learn to forgive those who had hurt me before I could move on and be completely free to begin healing from the wounds of the past. I don't hate those who hurt me, but I do hate what they did to me. I guess you could say I don't hate the person, but I hate the actions. I am not close to my family at all and they haven't exactly been there for me through the years. I don't want to be like them. I give with all I have to give and I love with all I have to love because I have one of those compassionate, caring hearts. That doesn't mean though that I have to tolerate or put up with the way my family treats me. I made the choice to walk away for good so that I could live for me and so they could no longer hurt me.

You don't have to repeat your family history. You do not have to become like the people who hurt you. History doesn't have to repeat itself because you can decide to make a change. You can choose to break that cycle and tell yourself that the way you were treated is not the way that you will treat your own family and your own kids. We know how it felt to go through that pain, to suffer those traumatizing events, to bear the scars from it. Since we know how it felt, we know that we could never do that to our own kids and families. We have future generations to protect here. So it's time for us to make a change and take a stand. I refuse to repeat my family's history. Instead, I want to write new chapters and start a new history in my family. Don't repeat the history of the past; instead, rewrite your history. You can stop the past history from repeating itself. Our children are our future so let's protect them from harm. Let's start a new chapter in the family history, a better history without abuse, that our future generations can pass down to their kids and grandkids and great grandkids, etc.